… featuring Boss Lard and Welsh Losser
Is this shameless self-promotion through abuse of office? Did the public believe Boss Lard’s PR firm paid market price for the Kyiv Poster ad while he’s CEO there, just because he said so? Is this what our essence as moral agents on Earth is being reduced to? Where will it end?!?
Dear Kyiv Unedited:
I’m an amateur PR critic for some reason residing at this juncture in my life in Kyiv, Ukraine. Be that as it may, this is what I think of the fucking full-page ad in the Kyiv Poster featuring the Boss Lard Group PR firm:
Ooo, ooooo, look, it’s Welsh Losser! Eyes bulging walled through steamed-up glasses. Gut too big to button suit jacket, ID tag hanging over severely outdated paisley tie. Holding a cocktail (yes, we really want to see a picture of that – yes, yes, yes…), half-soused, lips protruding clamped out of disgusting saliva-bubbled trap – going nyug, nyug, nyaooo – sticking it all into the camera eye, his fat ball head, donning the goatee that says ‘artiste’ – yes, yes, of course, intrepid fireplug installed next to five homely Blohard PR agency broads, and, ooohh, look, amongst them Boss Lard, also of the artiste goatee, leaning forward between their shoulders, confidence is an understatement, this is pure self-knowledge, apex self-realized, the word ‘doubt’ not in the vocabulary, smirking serene, sticking his old man’s neck into the shot. “I’m the real brains behind this PR coup,” is what he’s saying.
Ooooooo… and then we get all of this advice, which must be relevant to the entire message of this full-page ad – don’t waste your money on paid news stories – gee, what’s the difference between a real news story and a fake one, gosh, I don’t know, I’ll wait until the Boss Lard PR agency tells me – in a self-promoting ad in the Kyiv Poster – disguised as a news story.
Below that, Boss Lard Blohard PR Group paid for this ad – it really did, oh, yes, oh, yes, giving the Kyiv Poster a price that was competitive on the market, but beating out the competitors for this space, but that has nothing to do with Boss Bo Lard being the director of this PR firm and CEO of the Kyiv Poster at the same time, nor do we see this, as exemplified by this full-page Boss Lard Group ad in the Kyiv Poster, as some kind of conflict of interest – nooooo…
Oh, ooooohh, ooooo… and then there’s flack advice – we really need it, yes, oh, yes, we really need to know (as this absolutely proves just how great and effective and talented a PR firm the Blohard Boss Bo Lard Group is) – that the PR head has to be in the midst of other companies’ power. A PR director should have a direct say in the major policy decisions of the company that hired him. Yeah, yeah, that’s what PR firms are for – to make the major decisions for other companies – that makes sense, yeah, that really, really makes sense, yeah, yeah, yeah… and then we’re told that, like, beware, because “there are many waiting to curry favor with bosses,” and, gee, I wonder where Bo Lard got that from… not his direct experience, by any chance, with… Welsh Losser?!? – no, nooooo… and then, and then, and then, and then, the ad says, a PR director’s credibility is in direct proportion to his ability to convince the CEO of a company to take his advice!
And how does that play out if you are Bo Lard, the director of your own PR firm, also working as Bo Lard, CEO of the Kyiv Poster, in which your PR firm has stuck a full-page ad?!? Did Bo Lard, the PR firm director, tell Bo Lard, the Kyiv Poster CEO, what to do, and did Bo Lard listen? No, I think Bo Lard is a tough and independent-minded player on the Ukrainian news media market, and while he might take Bo Lard’s PR advice into consideration, any decision he makes regarding the Kyiv Poster is ultimately his own.
And by the way, why aren’t any other PR agencies putting their ads into this paper?
Thanks for publishing my letter. That’s all I have to say – for now.
Amateur PR Critic
Filed by Jack Step, May 16, 2013