“O, you people, gather round heya! I say! Gather round, gather round!
“That’s right, don’t be shy; Boss Lard ain’t gonna hypnotize you or put you unner his spell or sell you snake oil! No! Boss Lard knooooows he dealin’ with good people; good, hard-workin’ smart people; smart ‘cause life had taught ‘em a thing or two.
“That’s right! Like recognizin’ a good deal when they sees one – that’s whut! That’s right, that’s right, now, don’t be shy, gather round, gather round. Boss Lard want to tell you all how you can be saved, ‘cause Boss Lard, he know maybe just a little more, that’s right, there ain’t much that passes you up for knowledge oncet you done saved the world from nuclear disaster as a secret adviser to Lyndon B. Johnson!
“Oh, but Boss Lard ain’t a gonna get into no history – that’s just a little something I tells my people so they knows he sincere and wouldn’t have no inclination – that’s in-cli-na-tion, to fool no one no how.
“That’s right, because Boss Lard, you see, he want to do you good – whut?! This heya newspaper –”
“Hey, Lard!”
“Who said that?!”
“I said, hey, Lard, boy! How ‘bout those thar danged damned fuckin’ – you fus tellin’ us about making 50 percent mo’ revenue and then a-makin’ 75 percent mo’ revenue. Hey, you old, witherin’ mound of lyin’ grease fat in suspenders, which uh da two is it?”
“Now, hol’ on now! This heya paper’s a revered institution! Thaz why weze gots to keeps on keepsin’ on, writin’ the record fo’ the record of the great anals of history! Iz da ony serious – and I say serious, that is – paper a it kind ina counry! It records what people of conscience would say but don’t have the voice to say it, so it say it for them. It be a historical footnote as a witness to the truth.”
“Yeah, sure it is, pops. And what is the truth?”
“Now, you just hol’ on thar now, you just –”
“Hey, wrinkled old suspender man! Wha’ ‘bout those thar editorial services you danged newspaper company offert to clients? Ain’t that unconscionable-like and a mighty unethical conflict uh the interest – seein’ as how yo damned editors read secret contract documents and then edits them and then they knows inside in-fo-ma-tion ‘bout those compnies, and what’s to stop them from using that in-fo-ma-tion in their news articles or using what they learns from the secret contracts they editin’ as a hook and start asking those clients questions they otherwise wouldna known about – badgerin’ them-like. It ain’t right!”
“Now, hold on thar, lil’ pup. We at the Kyiv Poster signs contracts with clients hodin’ what they calls non-disclosure and confidentiality clauses! Halelujah! Praise be the Lord!”
“No, you don’ts! And what’s with that danged goatee? You thinks you a creative artist or somethin’? You thinks it make you handsome and attractive-like in you ol’ age? Ha, ha, haaaaa!!!”
And we does, too! Now listen heya, O, all you peoples! Now –”
“Fuck you!”
Filed by Jack Step, February 14, 2013