From their start June 21, 2015 with Frame No. 261 (for some reason) to their end with Frame No. 340 January 6, 2017 (for no reason)
SECTION X (FIRST GENERAL NOTICE)
Test – Aye, Test, Indeed
For it is of the utmost necessity to write famous people – and here’s why…
Log Line: All-time mostly American losers remain in a fucked-up country, thinking it the perfect place to subject others to their egos, suddenly believing they are in a position to achieve their delusions, in the process doing a great deal of harm…
We have tried to put you in the midst of this place, and what it’s like, and what it feels like to be here. And believe me, what we’ve attempted to write about and satire doesn’t even come close to the absurdity which is the reality of Kyiv… Kyiv Commix… and, to our shame, it doesn’t come close to the outlandishness and outrages committed here in real life by the depicted characters… For they are always outpacing us, outdistancing us, and outdoing us, and we have only ever striven to keep up. If we have written ever so slightly ahead of them, they have consistently managed not only to catch up and fulfill our prophecies, but to do them one – or even two – better.
Oh, if only you were here… But as you’re not, we’ve done as much of the hard work as we have been capable of for you.
Referring to the log line
No, there are no superheroes, profiles in courage, heroes, or even antiheroes, but rather freaks of nature, myriad faces of evil, with the requisite degrees and gradations thereof, and even guessed-at in kind. But mostly, there are – losers!
Yes, that’s right – losers!!! With a Big L.
And not Losers in the good way, where we cheer and root them on, but despicable Losers – harmful liars (I’ve gone through all this before throughout this grand opus known as Kyiv Unedited, with adjective lists so extensive, they begin to repeat within the body of a mass excoriation and denouncement – although that may be my limited vocabulary at work (or not, as the case may be – yuck, yuck…) – and it’s STILL never enough), sneaks, culprits, guilty parties, j’accuse. Charlatans, creeps, freaks, two-bit con artists, two-faced backstabbing double-crossers, underhanded phonies, writhing, slinking, wriggling, squirming worms, weasels, rats, moles, slithering sidewinding slime, and ass-raped raccoons. Cowards. Insinuating bootlickers. Deceivers, hosers, fraudsters, scam runners, second-rate mountebanks and pseudo shammers. Backpedaling double-dealers. Four-flushing sophists, dissimulating malingerers, lip-service mongers, equivocators, prevaricators, backsliders, attitudinizing dissemblers, opportunistic connivers, cheating pettifoggers, truth mockers, lying posers, false witnesses and fabricators, perjurers, maligners, vicious and malicious bums, bad news, louses, toads, finks, parasitic loafers, lowlifes, street trash, scamps, gutterscum, and drunks. Malefactors, insidious miscreants, deformed monstrosities, degenerates (well, okay, granted – that’s easy to say about anyone), depraved misleaders, reptiles, rotting fabulists and falsifying skunks. Poisonous pretenders. Talentless yet pride-puffed and vainglorious curs.
Thus, here, they think they can get away with it – get away with it all and remain unscathed – but, yea, fellow travelers on this great and amazing Kyiv Commix journey, how wrong they are. For like a hypnotic beast, Kyiv, with its strange feel and way about it, has slowly lured them into its paralyzing confidence and deadly embrace, suspending them in identity as well as time.
But we’ve caught them out, and intend to make a killing on exposing their delusions. They never would have made it in America. And they haven’t made it here, either (Kyiv, of all places. Ukraine. Give me a break). But they think they have – and that’s what bugs us. It’s something we simply will not tolerate or allow. We have called them out, pointed the finger at them, indicted, sentenced and condemned them. For in The Kyiv Commix, they are all guilty – guilty as charged…
But for famous people in America, whom I write to whenever I get up the guts and figure out what I want to say, fingers trembling nervously astride the keyboard, all of this is probably not good enough for animation, video games, comic books, graphic novels, or films, let alone plain publication, as well as all-around Kyiv Commix brand exploitation: action figures – Welsh Losser, Josh Davies, The Ferret, and from another dimension, The Hunched Cornish, and that’s just for starters – T-shirts, coffee mugs, beach towels, swimwear, black leather touring gloves, bed sheets, sexy chick underwear, taking youth for their money and vanity, apparel and accessories designs, fashion statements – oh, the endless permutations.
Sports equipment, fundraisers, charities, noble causes.
Greeting cards.
Well… maybe. Maybe you’re right – New York, Hollywood, Great Lands of the Imagination.
But why don’t you just read the stories within and decide for yourself…
SL, June 21, 2015
STORY NOTICE, June 21, 2015 (FRAME 261)
In re: Welsh Losser and his brother, Welsh Losser
There is a new piece up in the section Frameworks + Anti-Commix about Welsh Losser’s brother, Welsh Losser, putting Welsh Losser through the ringer regarding his alleged credentials, if you’d like to read it. It is a harrowing experience.
Thank you
STORY NOTICE, June 27, 2015 (FRAME 262)
In re: Welsh Losser, The Ferret, some others, and The Case of the Man-eating Clown
There is a new piece up in the section Frameworks + Anti-Commix about how Welsh Losser and The Ferret are sitting in a hipster café in Kyiv’s trendy Podil district, when a surprise guest – or host, as the case may be – suddenly makes an appearance, only to be followed by this man-eating… oh, well… you’ll have to read it to believe it, otherwise, it would be like me practically retelling the whole story to you here, for which this is not the space. Indeed, I’m not quite sure what this space is – like a damn homepage posting board for announcements, or something. Well, in any case, we’ll see what it turns out to be with time, as these, well, posts, announcements, or whatever the hell, slowly accumulate, quite possibly to your amused annoyance and good-natured disgust.
Uuuuummm… as I was saying, a few more of your favorite characters pop up in this rough screenplay draft to round out the action, aaaaannnd, if I do say so myself, this frame is even more harrowing than the last one.
If you’d like to read it.
Thank you
STORY NOTICE, August 12, 2015 (FRAME 263)
Welsh Losser Drives Arch Nemesis Anti Olifko through Hudson County, New Jersey, Episode 1
In the Frameworks + Anti-Commix section of this website.
If, a month-and-a-half ago, I was calling Welsh Losser’s encounters with his visiting brother, Welsh Losser, harrowing, I misspoke. Those frames – in the Frameworks + Anti-Commix section of this website – are kindergarten days compared with what happens in Hudson County, New Jersey; truly, truly…
Harrowing!!!
What you are about to read, if you so choose to do, is in its own league. And, unlike the failure of the man-eating clown back here in quaint little Kyiv, what is about to happen in Hudson County, New Jersey is every minute of it true.
Well, the man-eating clown was perhaps pretty harrowing, but that was sort of a fantasy.
Hollywood rejected the screenplay because it wasn’t correctly formatted. I acted like the thing was so great, to hell with the formatting, because I was going to shove it down their throats and they were going to take it, baby, yeah, take it!
They were going to recognize my greatness – I was going to make them recognize my greatness; they had no choice but to recognize my greatness – and format it themselves, if that was so damn primary.
But it didn’t work out that way. So I said, ‘Fuck those assholes!’ I even wrote letters to that effect. But then, after I thought about it, I had a change of heart. A funny feeling tells me, though, it’s a little late.
Who knows – maybe I can still change the situation.
For the proper formatting of scripts truly is important to them; and that’s the whole point – that you’re supposed to do it yourself, not them. It’s not like they’re coming to you asking favor, but it’s kind of, well, the opposite.
You can’t just throw a bunch of shit at them and say, ‘Here, you fucking format it. And while you’re at it, recognize my greatness!’
Turns out, it doesn’t work that way. And that’s what I did, isn’t it? I’m even almost ashamed.
So I won’t say they were stronger than me, but they proved themselves a formidable match to my strength.
Damn – I should have taken those Internet screenwriting lessons more seriously and given Hollywood its due. After all, they were there before me.
Feeling remorse, I apologized to everyone there, including Clint Eastwood, just to be safe, but no one ever got back to me and said – ‘Hey, it’s all right, buddy, we all make mistakes…’ or something like that.
Boy, do I feel humbled. Lesson learned: I guess that Hollywood’s a pretty tough place.
Thank you
STORY NOTICE, August 21, 2015 (THIS FRAME NOT IN TEXT! SEE COMMIX APOCRYPHA!!! ABOVE!!! Ap 1/KC 367)
Shorter by more than half, an abridged version of “Losher Drives Alifka” is now in the offing – in the FRAMEWORKS + ANTI-COMMIX section of this website
More specifically, Episodes 1-3 have been significantly shortened, with Episode 4 following uncut, as it is pure action, which is the point of this exercise – to tell the story as almost pure action, without all the background description.
Why do this? Is this just a cheap way of adding bulk to the volume without really doing any work?
Do not be as unto the little children, with their silly questions that can never be answered, but rather, as smart grownups, read this abridged version of a truly great Anti-Commix adventure, and enjoy it in its hardly diminished abundance, though minus the extra profusion of the original.
And yes, it is just a cheap way to add bulk to the volume without really doing any work. Thank you for that aggressive follow-up question. Just because I am the brilliance in the gleaming does not mean you should not ask a question of that nature every so often. I am almost always ready to put my profundity aside for the sake of clarifying the materials’ reason for being for the sometimes perplexed reader, dear as you are to me.
For why is a spun tale called a yarn?
SL
Response from a Reader: Hey, SL – ‘brilliant’… ‘gleaming’… ‘profundity’…??? Yeah, right. Give me a fucking break. What do your initials stand for, anyway – Slow Loser?! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Or maybe Stupid Lamebrain?!
Response to Reader: Smart Lad…
Response from Reader: Yeah, right!
Response to Reader: Thaz right…
Response from Reader: You think you’re going to have the last word – you’re never going to win!
POST URGENT TO SECTION X, September 21, 2015
What the Kyiv Unedited website has and doesn’t have
Or, ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS THE TEXT!!!
References to Wikipedia entries are dated to date noted in this post and may have changed or disappeared by the time you read this
References to KU and its physical structure may be unverifiable and irrelevant if, by the time you read this, the site no longer exists
The KU website is a fictional webserial and a sort of long-form webcomic (comics speech bubbles stretched out into literature) that, due to a combination of laziness, ignorance and, above all, fear, provides no features made possible by formats available to Internet media not available to traditional print publication [see Wikipedia entry for Novel – Live novel – Web fiction] to enhance, facilitate, or otherwise promote author-reader interaction.
ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS THE TEXT!!!
Read it, that’s all. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. If you think it’s good, read it. Why bring in and create complexity when it’s all so simple?
Next up (almost): How DC Comics’ Batman universe gains a toehold in the KU Commix universe, and gets that toe chopped off.
You won’t want to miss it.
Stay tuned, KU Commix fans…
Response from a Reader: Hey, if you don’t do all those things to Kyiv Unedited you say are missing on the website, social network interactivity, added integrating features, etc., you’re never going to succeed…
Response to Reader: Yeah, right…
Response from Reader: Yeah, that’s right!
Response to Reader: Uh-huh…
Response from Reader: Hey, do you really think you’re going to have the last –
Response to Reader: Yes, I do, because, as you can see, I’m cutting you off without even letting you finish, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Thank you. Thank you one and all! Goodnight!!!
STORY NOTICE, September 28, 2015 (FRAME 267)
Part 1 of “The Transmigration of Bad Souls”… now playing in FRAMEWORKS + ANTI-COMMIX…
In this next anti-frame, we find John Smith back in the storytelling as he captures the next Pulaski Skyway scene, following the sinking of the ‘71 Cadillac Eldorado carrying Welsh Losser and Anti Olifko in the Passaic River. We remain uneasy, not having all the answers: How long has John Smith been there, and why? Did he come in through the portal?
And how is it he is precisely there, hovering omnisciently, I take it, somewhere very near, and possibly above, Newark, at that very moment, taking it all down, to capture this very story and enter it permanently into the files, for the record?
Since there are no answers, these questions lead nowhere – they are worthless.
Thus, we may never know. You must now go to the FRAMEWORKS + ANTI-COMMIX section of this website to find out whatever may be gleaned from your own insight and understanding of what lies therein.
For what we do learn is that the great American writer and octogenarian, Philip Roth, has somehow managed to get into the story.
Why is Philip Roth in the story? Does he serve a purpose? Why is he there? What is the meaning of this story? Should we seek a trope via which to interpret it, or simply take it at face value?
STORY NOTICE, October 11, 2015 (FRAME 268)
Just now, in FRAMEWORKS + ANTI-COMMIX, Part 2 of “The Transmigration of Bad Souls”
Being the continuation from Part 1, and the part before Parts 3, 4, and 5, currently pursued.
But no sign yet of Wallace Wayne, Bruce Wayne’s older half-brother, and strongly rumored to be The Pale Dragon, Dark Lord and Counselor over Antipolex, New Jersey – mainly because Kyiv Commix, with its by-now famous imprint, DC Commix, which stands for Dysfunctional Commix, in a gesture of honorable compassion toward DC Comics (Detective Comics) of Burbank, California, who claim to own the Batman story, is trying to avoid, for their sake… well… their downfall, for missing this one central and momentous piece of the Wayne Saga puzzle – and it’s no wonder that for decades they could never get the story entirely right – which, in these next several and subsequent Parts, is about to be revealed by The Damned Fool to his vast-mounded vixens Toma Bed Lamb and Tamo Shatterd.
Adieu – till then, from then, for now,
Response from a Reader: Yeah, it’s pretty obvious you can’t make it on your own, so now you’re trying to parasite yourself off one of the greatest comics stories ever told – Batman.
Response to Reader: Yeah, that’s pretty much the case.
Response from Reader: They’re going to sue your ass and then you’ll never be known – except as Mud… You’re going to be washed up in that town, a ghost walking the wet broken asphalt of L.A., one seedy gin joint to another, losing weight, dying, no one to help you, no one to give you comfort, aid, shelter, saying you had it coming, you deserved it, a loser, a has-been, broke, broken, and all alone…
Response to Reader: No, because when they serve me with the paper, I’m then going to turn time back to before their lawyers drafted it and serve them with my paper first, thereby becoming the one suing, and not sued…
Response from Reader: I didn’t think of that… Sorry.
NOTICE TO SECTION X, November 11, 2015
Wallace Wayne and the Depredations of Fan Fiction
Kyiv Commix’x Wallace Wayne and Potential IP Crime against DC Comics, Burbank, CA
All references to Wikipedia entries are dated to the date noted in this post. By the time you read this, those entries may have changed or altogether disappeared
INSIDE THIS VERY LINK you will find a pretty comprehensive explication of Kyiv Commix’x Wallace Wayne versus the real Batman Universe of DC Comics, Burbank, California.
Herein, serious legal issues of intellectual property are addressed – and largely ignored…What does the existence of The Bastard Wallace Wayne, The Pale Dragon and older half-brother of The Batman Bruce Wayne, mean for the future of comics and the war for supremacy between the by-now famous and ascendant imprint of Kyiv Commix, Dysfunctional (DC) Commix, of Kyiv, Ukraine, and the embattled and shaky Detective (DC) Comics of Burbank, California, USA, which claims to own The Batman Universe…???
OPEN AND FIND OUT – right here on the HOME PAGE…
It so happens that the ‘Novel’ entry in Wikipedia, which contains the link to ‘Live novel’, which opens a page titled ‘Web fiction’, which contains a short section called ‘Fan fiction’, which through a ‘Main article’ link of the same name opens to a greatly expanded version of itself, which contains a section, ‘Legality’, which through a ‘Main article’ link, ‘Legal issues with fan fiction’, opens to a greatly expanded version of itself, provides a great deal of useful information regarding the main issues involved when a strange entity authors an unsanctioned work based on an original fictional universe created by a known entity protected by intellectual property laws, without clarifying just how such situations are ultimately resolved, one way or the other, the entry appearing to suggest by default, amid its own hodgepodge muddle of disparate, desultory, and cacophonous confusion, that nothing about this kind of thing is at present definitively settled, except, perhaps, on a case by case basis, with a great deal, it seems, strongly depending on the feelings of the violated party. By all this, I mean no disparagement of Wikipedia, and I will be the first to characterize everything I have just said as my strongly held opinion based on nothing more than my inability to grasp what they said – because, maybe, I’m stupid – and no shame there. I mean, we all have to start from somewhere!
Be all that as it may or may not, what I’ve done speaks for itself. At the least, via a cunningly small and fast in-and-out incursion, I’ve trespassed against some part of the DC Comics’ Batman Universe. And while that is undoubtedly true, generally speaking, I feel I am relatively safe from both prosecution and persecution as long as I remain in the shadows without trying to cash in on my illegal discovery, the perpetrated deed becoming actionable in the court of intellectual property theft the moment I attempt to sell the thing I’ve made. It’s all about the money; it always is – and what’s wrong with that? I mean, there needs to be some point (does there not?), some common denominator that everyone will unquestionably agree upon from which to start, and I can’t think of a better one out there than that.
Now, Wallace Wayne is the bastard son of Thomas Wayne and an expensive courtesan, Fay Fells (my character), from a torrid love affair the two had had in an upscale bordello disguised as a high-class hotel in New York City (the presumptive Gotham) when Thomas was very young, thus making Wallace the illegitimate older half-brother of The Batman Bruce Wayne, the latter being the legitimate son of the marriage between Thomas and Martha, nee Kane. Even though Thomas brings Wallace into the family before and upon his marriage to Martha, Wallace remains illegitimate because the couple never adopts him. This is largely because Martha can never forgive Thomas, not so much for his earlier relationship with a whore, which she dismisses as a rite-of-passage tryst, as for that “tryst” resulting in a son. Not allowing the adoption of Wallace is her revenge, unfounded and irrational though it is. In this story (my story, in which a Thomas Wayne, Jr. does not figure), Bruce was Martha’s firstfruit, but not Thomas’s.
But Wallace Wayne rises from The Kyiv Commix Universe, and not the Universe of DC Comics, Burbank, California.
Yet, Wallace Wayne would not be possible without the decades-old Batman Universe which precedes him.
Wallace Wayne is thus irrefutably the product of two Universes – Kyiv Commix and DC Comics. He is half permission and half no permission; half made up and, in a sense, half taken (or deduced, or extracted, or extrapolated, or newly created out of old, sed quoque ex nihilo et sui generis).
I don’t want to try to somehow argue abstractions like “fair use” and “transformative value” among a bunch of other legalistic gobbledygook. The act and its result are what they are, plain and simple and clear on their face, and indeed I say this in the spirit of transparency.
Keeping this in mind, nevertheless, the story of Wallace Wayne was told in but one Commix frame (vignette, episode, serial installment) of the entire Kyiv Commix Universe as revealed on this website, Kyiv Unedited. That would be Part 5 (out of six parts) of the framework, “The Transmigration of Bad Souls”. If this goes no further, that’s all the world will ever know of Wallace Wayne. I couldn’t help it – the story had to be told.
What’s more, since I don’t legally have access to the Batman Universe, it was with great presumption that I attributed qualities and behaviors to at least three of the characters in that Universe in my story – namely, Thomas Wayne, Martha Wayne, and Bruce Wayne – reflecting a personal interpretation, which the people with power over the Batman Universe may find inaccurate, inappropriate, or disagreeable, but mostly, simply because that universe legally belongs to them. They get to decide, and not me or any other nutcase, amateur, fan, hobbyist, obsessionist, stalker, crackpot and outsider, even if they, and I, mean well by our actions.
Speaking for myself, I do find Wallace Wayne raising interesting questions, such as is it possible that he might have had a hand in the assassination of his parents while sparing his little brother Bruce, for whom Wallace had had a strong love and affection?
Further questions he raises:
Did Martha work with orphans out of a feeling of guilt for her ultimate treatment of Wallace – that is, refusing to adopt him despite having developed a motherly love toward him?
And while Thomas Wayne was known for his rakish playboy tendencies, is imagining for him a passionate relationship in his youth with Fay Fells, resulting in a son, fair?
What is more painful – to, all in one day lose everything that you thought you were and that you thought you had (identity, possessions, history, lineage, name), while finding out you have a rare, incurable and physically deforming skin disease, or to all at once lose both your parents in front of your eyes? Which is the more traumatic experience, the more devastating?
And what can possibly grow out of all this in the future?
Also, is the story of Wallace Wayne well told, is it convincing, is it compelling? If yes, then these factors would also play in his favor, increasing his right to exist.
And finally, is Wallace Wayne himself a strong character?
But without any commercial value, Wallace Wayne will remain a one-off for Kyiv Commix – his entire story told in “The Transmigration of Bad Souls – Part 5” in Kyiv Unedited. And that’s all.
However, should it be revealed that there IS commercial value, well then, that’s another story – one that doesn’t necessarily bode well for me. Nyugits nyaaaooow…
SL, November 11, 2015
NOTICE NOTICE, November 12, 2015
Name Change to Major Section of This Website
The section Frameworks + Anti-Commix has just been changed to New Commix & Frameworks.
However, all references to “Anti-Commix” in all earlier Notices, and anywhere else on this website, will remain unchanged.
The materials have stayed the same, only the name has changed.
STORY NOTICE, November 13, 2015 (FRAME 274)
Doll House Café
Now playing in the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section of Kyiv Unedited…
“Doll House Café”: After dawn till way past dark, at a Kyiv Commix location near you…
STORY NOTICE, November 15, 2015 (FRAME 275)
The Trouble with Ferrets
In the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section now!
Half off on Vermin Domiciles at ZOO YOU in Podil if you present a lost copy from the Kyiv Poster archive
STORY NOTICE, November 29, 2015 (FRAME 276)
Saint Stephan on Trial
Now playing in New Commix & Frameworks…
What’s Saint Stephan on trial for? For writing?… for encouraging the true, fact-based picture of Welsh Losser to emerge from that writing?… for being murdered and then for being alive?!?… What do they want from him?!?
I don’t know if you’ll find out if you read “Saint Stephan on Trial,” now playing in the New Commix & Frameworks section of the Kyiv Unedited website…
STORY NOTICE, December 1, 2015 (FRAME 277)
Back in Remand
Now playing in New Commix & Frameworks – at a Kyiv Unedited portal near you!!!
There’s no knowing what this means. Who are these writers? What’s Saint Stephan doing in jail? Who’s that in the cell next to him? Is he in the cell with Step (that would probably be Jack Step, I assume), or is he talking to Step, who’s outside the cell? Or is Step merely in this guy’s head, but physically, he’s not there at all? And who’s the singing coming from? And are we to believe it’s coming from the cell next to the cell next to Stephan’s? And is Stephan hearing all of this, or are we simply being told that all of this is happening by Commix Writer 42M??? How does Commix Writer 42M know all this??? Are we to believe this writer???
STORY NOTICE, December 4, 2015 (FRAME 278)
The Trouble with Ferrets… Again
Yeah. Just posted in the New Commix & Frameworks section of this here website…
Now, in New Commix & Frameworks, the Kyiv Poster newsroom suffers a sudden plague of fixed-line telephonic harassment from outside, with The Ferret seemingly the main reason for the attack, although as we continue to read, that decreasingly appears to be the case. Thus, many questions remain, like who really is the caller, or callers, and what does/do he/they really want? Each time, how is it possible for the caller to get so much malicious innuendo in, without stammering, stuttering, hemming and hawing, tripping over his words, and so forth, but rather by delivering a long seamless harangue before the party on the Kyiv Poster end of the line finally hangs up? And returning to The Ferret, if he truly does work for the Kyiv Poster, why play this game like he’s not there? Is it because he’s ashamed of being there yet he needs the money? After years of bragging about how he was going to be the Kyiv Poster’s journalism consultant (a profession, by the way, that doesn’t exist), and then denying it, a star writer for a major London-based broadsheet, and then denying it, the chief correspondent in Moscow for yet another major U.S.-based broadsheet, and then denying it, and the irrepressible, incorrigible, provocative, instigating, sharp-as-a-tack host of a Ukrainian-Russian-English-languages radio talk show about Ukraine, and then denying it, in addition to having foregone a promising career as a medical doctor, professional hockey player, a Latinist, and chess master, and then denying it, among many other claims made and then equally denied, is The Ferret now hiding in the Kyiv Poster because he doesn’t want all the people he’s ever told these things to look at his fucking Ferret face when they see him and silently condemn him with that look with the fact that he is not only a liar, but a complete out-and-out failure – even in his lying? That the only thing he’s got left after all these years of said lying is the bankrupt Kyiv Poster, to which he’s crawled back with his rat tail between his puny little rat legs and the drinking in the downtown basement bar, which is the only constant that’s never changed, except, together with natural aging, a feeble idiot mind, a frail constitution, and a hollow inside rotted through with evil, the alcohol sloshing around inside that wet rat skull replacing by volume a walnut-sized nugget that had once served for a brain, with all of these finally, as had been long predicted (and not just by us, here at Kyiv Unedited, but by everyone whom we’ve spoken to who has known The Ferret and were happy to testify as to his character), taking their toll. Why, even Welsh Losser’s gone…
STORY NOTICE, December 9, 2015 (FRAME 279)
The MidEvilist
Now to be found in New Commix & Frameworks…
While this may not be the most important thing about this story, allow me to give you my personal feeling about it in the form of a first impression.
It’s like this:
The one thing that John Smith, for whom I have a great liking and sympathy, is immediately doing correctly in the situation he’s in with The Half Guinea is letting the latter know, in so many words, that, with the powers The Guinea possesses, which Smith clearly cannot even hope for, he’s being a total fucking asshole.
At your service now in the New Commix & Frameworks section of Kyiv Unedited…
Oh, and for the record, I believe this represents the third episode involving Smith and The Guinea, with the second two apparently representing one very long encounter.
Also, please note how, with The Guinea ever more willful, part of The Checkout, which is more properly his domain, is increasingly seeping into The Commix. For example, in this story, the coffee is specified, itemized, and priced – at 26.50 hryvnias – which is not a common or familiar Commix trope, although it is with The Checkout.
Is this planned? Is it insidious? Or is it simply because neither The Guinea nor The Hunched Cornish are writing for The Checkout anymore? Will this change? Or will the slow inexorable transformation of Kyiv Unedited continue relentlessly apace, heedless of sacred truths, traditions, and the past?
STORY NOTICE, December 10, 2015 (FRAME 280)
Back in the Newsroom 1
Back in the newsroom where it all began
Back in the newsroom, where we all first met
Back in the newsroom, those heady days of C.E. Bloom
Back in the newsroom, with no feelings of regret
Now in New Commix & Frameworks!!!
STORY NOTICE, December 14, 2015 (FRAME 281)
The Trouble with Ferrets – Revisited
aka
Notice for Somehow Permanently Embedded Unauthorized Story, 12.14.15: In re Ferrets
A pretty good lead-in with use of malaprops.
Now, in the New Commix & Frameworks section of this website (since we can’t do anything about it, anyway). For more on our feelings about this situation, please click on the Story Notice link above.
The story, which we are unable to delete from the website, has been provisionally called, “The Trouble with Ferrets – Revisited”, which, to be truthful, is the actual title given to it by whoever put it there, because we can’t even go in there to change it.
We don’t know who did this. The piece is unauthorized. Moreover, it is highly inconsistent with the materials extant on this website, which has justifiably billed itself as a rigorous and highly disciplined fact-reporting dynamo since its inception three years ago. To wit, we have been relentless in our pursuit and unforgiving in our revelation of the facts, and just the facts, stripped bare of the editorializing, prevarication, opinionation, bias, insinuation, institutional programmation, and mealy-mouthed muck so typical of the type of journalism practiced today.
Nevertheless, the story, if it can even be deemed as such, is, and will remain available, in New Commix & Frameworks – for the record. If you haven’t noticed, we always say that, because it’s part of our integrity.
STORY NOTICE, December 14, 2015 (FRAME 282)
Back in Remand – PIRATED VERSION
aka
Story Notice for yet another Unauthorization, 12.14.15: Back in Remand – PIRATED VERSION
Now readable beyond our control in the New Commix & Frameworks section of this website.
Well folks, it looks like it’s happened again. And don’t we feel stupid – believe me. This time the culprits have reached a new low, breaking and entering into the Kyiv Unedited file folder where they snuck a pirate copy of a brand-new framework about Saint Stephan that you might remember was called “Back in Remand.” Well, he’s back in remand all right – all mixed up with the Boner saga, better known as “Back in the Newsroom”, itself an ongoing work in progress that is supposed to be protracted by copyright law. We respectively request you to please rephrase from reading this substandard serving up of our work until we can execrate this copy from the New Commix and Frameworks section in due course. Thank you for your patience – The Guys at Kyiv Unedited, et. Al.
STORY NOTICE, December 15, 2015 (FRAME 283)
Boner’s Sex Harassment
We may call this one, Back in the Newsroom Companion Piece 1: Boner’s Perversion, although Mr. Kicker, the new ‘writer’ (so-called) on the team, appears to have taken the liberty and already given it his own title – “Boner’s Sex Harassment”
We, at the Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board shall deal with him separately. Meanwhile, and in any case, see New Commix & Frameworks for the juicy details!!!
Aaahh, we don’t like Boner, and he needs to be exposed. Said exposure coming now, in New Commix & Frameworks. Go there for the first (or second, as the case may be) installment of the story…
INTERMEZZO NOTICE, December 15, 2015 (FRAME 284)
Between Boners
In New Commix & Frameworks – a little play between two or three bigger plays. A small piece of meat between the juicy steaks inside the larger construction of the Big Boner Sandwich.
The Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board believes this was stolen by whomever Author Anonymous is – for the time being, at least, leaving aside the question of whether this is the same individual, or group of individuals, or possibly even burgeoning mass movement, as Author Unknown – from a lost masque by Ben Jonson…
STORY NOTICE, December 22, 2015 (FRAME 285)
Boner’s Sex Harassment #2
Having himself set the wheels of his sex predation in motion, Boner gets to the newsroom early in a pathetic attempt to stop the gusher of his ego’s blood – now in the New Commix & Frameworks section of Kyiv Unedited. The piece is serious, but the juicy continues…
We do not like Boner, and we assure our readers that we at Kyiv Unedited are pursuing the case of Boner’s sex abuse in the office with grave seriousness, as this piece demonstrates, with the intent of exposing the monster and bringing his miserable life to justice. Read this next installment, “Boner’s Sex Harassment #2”, in New Commix & Frameworks, and you’ll see – there’s nothing much funny there to laugh at. Not everything’s a joke, and Boner’s crimes are certainly no laughing matter.
STORY NOTICE, December 22, 2015 (FRAME 286)
Boner’s Sex Harassment #3
Following swiftly on the heels of “Boner’s Sex Harassment #2”, being published the same day, the case of Boner’s sex crimes in the Kyiv Poster newsroom has now taken on its own increasing momentum, turning into a speeding locomotive from which Boner can neither debark (without killing himself), nor stop – now in New Commix & Frameworks, to be read as soon as you’ve caught your breath from #2.
He’s up in the publisher Moe Zaire’s office, being given the 3rd degree, on his way to being punished – all in New Commix & Frameworks now.
STORY NOTICE, December 22, 2015 (FRAME 287)
Boner’s Sex Harassment #4
If you want that sex, then have it, in the open – don’t go sneaking around the office like a pervert trying to get away with something in secret, just because you’re the chief editor of a second-rate news rag you’ve mismanaged to turn into a third-rate comics-poster tabloid, which is to say, the height of Boner’s power is also the depth of his depravity.
Now!!! In New Commix & Frameworks!!!
This is #4. We think this will all end with #5, being worked on right now by another legendary star player of All-American Football from yesteryear. For some, like you and me, it will most likely end well, while for others, like Boner, it will most likely not. But as that future moment is being formed, it is the moment at hand that matters – now, in #4, in New Commix & Frameworks…
STORY NOTICE, December 28, 2015 (FRAME 288)
Boner’s Sex Harassment #5
We were led to believe everything would end badly for Boner, but according to this one – he wins! Now, in New Commix & Frameworks!
This is unbelievable! We are incensed. And we know no amount of apologizing to our readers is going to compensate for the justice that should have been served, but wasn’t. Is this truly the way life is? How disheartening! We will be talking to legendary All-American Football Star, “Bone Crusher” Carmichael, a newly hired insider correspondent for Kyiv Commix, and the author of this tragically breaking story, along with a number of the other recent hires and members of the same Team from Football’s Golden Age, in whom we had, at least up until this moment, so much faith.
STORY NOTICE, December 28, 2015 (FRAME 289)
Boner’s Sex Harassment #6
Boy, are we ever relieved! Here, in New Commix & Frameworks, the long, cruel, and painful finale, wherein justice is truly served…
Read, all ye, be merry and rejoice!
Well, this is a horse of a different color. We are embarrassed for jumping to conclusions with #5. Thank you, “Freight Train” Goldstein, for straightening that out, but we’re still a little angry you didn’t tell us sooner. Figures, the only Jewish member of the Golden Age’s All-Star All-American Football Team, freshly hired as a special insider correspondent for Kyiv Commix along with a number of his legendary colleagues, was the one to finally clarify the situation. Like the great sports saying goes, Goldstein, it ain’t over – ever.
STORY NOTICE, December 29, 2015 (FRAME 290)
The Brother Losser 1 – The Ferret Obsession
Now in New Commix & Frameworks: Welsh Losser’s bullying brother Welsh Losser finally meets The Ferret and cannot control himself.
The story so far: Welsh Losser, The Kyiv-based Welsh Losser’s superior brother from Seattle, arrives in Kyiv, mostly, it appears, to harass and badger his brother, Welsh Losser, who, for reasons not wholly substantiated or confirmed, let alone ascertained, leaves for New Jersey. Now, it turns out, as the superior Welsh Losser finally meets The Ferret in Kyiv, where he (Welsh Losser) has unnaturally replaced his inferior brother, Welsh Losser, the thing he gets for the creature known as The Ferret is far more intense, out of control, and insane than had been the case with the thing that the Welsh Losser of Kyiv Commix fame many years running, now lost, and apparently dead in New Jersey, had for The same-said Ferret, whatever that ‘thing’ was.
STORY NOTICE, December 31, 2015 (FRAME 291)
Brother Losser 2 – The Ferret Obsession Goes Wrong
Now, in New Commix & Frameworks, it appears The Ferret is either gaining in powers, or is suddenly discovering powers he didn’t know he had. Why is this happening? Will we now be forced to suffer a realization of The Ferret’s true potential? Is there no one out there able to stop this evil? Is this how Josh Davies made him; that is, if he in fact made him? And where is Josh Davies, by the way? Are we to believe he’s dead? Was The Ferret specially programmed to gain in powers in the event of Josh Davies’s extinction? And there are even more queries appertaining to yet other issues, if you hit the Story Notice link above.
So, here you are. Before the still deeper issues are raised, this is just a quick reminder to read the actual story. Give yourself this wonderful gift for the New Year – waiting just for you in New Commix & Frameworks, right inside this very site!!!
So, why is the Seattle Welsh Losser – the bully brother of the Welsh Losser of yore and fame, familiar to all from the last three years on the Kyiv Unedited website and now missing in New Jersey – having such a hard time getting The Ferret?
The question is relevant because this Welsh Losser thought that, being so superior in every way to his brother, it should have been as easy as pie for him to get The Ferret, seeing as how his brother had managed, and apparently managed quite well.
But things are not as simple here as they might seem; as they had seemed, in any case, to the usurping Welsh Losser from Seattle.
For while his brother is or may have been inferior, he nevertheless conjured a sort of freakish hold over The Ferret that this Losser cannot duplicate, let alone render an inferior copy of.
You see, in this situation, as in situations like this in life, it is not a matter of being superior or inferior, but of having that certain way, that certain quality, that certain something that you instinctively feel but upon which a proverbial finger cannot be put, or whatever it is, that impresses The Ferret and makes him submit.
In short, these kinds of things can’t be explained, no matter how frustrating their illogic, baselessness, and seeming unfairness may be – at least not for those of us who, in similar situations, lose. For those of us who win, however, it is the clearest thing in the world, and we are surprised at anyone’s anger or questioning how such a thing could be.
FAT CHANCE STORY NOTICE, January 21, 2016 (FRAME 292)
Beef Before Breakfast
So, you thought we were all done here, eh? Not likely!!!
Now, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!! Go there, or be square!
Three weeks after being named CEO of Kyiv’s window to the world, a man with indefinite hair color and un-pressed shirt wrote an unconfirmed email to said paper’s employees, in which he supposedly decided to move somewhere else besides Kyiv and while there, for some reason, raise funds for the same said paper whose editorial staff he basically told to fuck off – all for the well-worn and hackneyed reason of PURSUING OTHER CAREER OPPORTUNITIES… Not that this has anything to do with the price of tea in China.
They come fast, and they come slow, and sometimes they come in-between, but never not at all. Newly forged by the Imagination of The Commix, a whole new true story, fantastic and farfetched though it may seem, just for you, Kyiv Commix fans – and did we say it was new? Ha! For this is just the beginning. On this website, of course. Kyiv Unedited. New!!! In the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section of this website, over in the stack of sections to choose from on your right, where there are now well over 300 other amazing and profound stories to read, and the number keeps growing, wild and unchained.
STORY TIME NOTICE, January 25, 2016 (FRAME 293)
Guys and Doll Houses
Check it the hell out – in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS – NOW!!!
I mean, what more can I say? Kowalski NEEDs, and I mean DESPERATELY NEEDS an encounter with The Ferret, a humiliating one, an epic one. He needs scuffing up, sense knocking, soul wounding, emotion scarring, jading, he needs to bear his share of the world’s bitterness and sorrow. He needs to be hardboiled – for Kowalski, noir-over-easy should do. He needs a good dose of cynicism. He needs to age. Five or 10 years of reckless alcoholism might not hurt. He needs to be torn out of that so-called poet’s childlike fantasy world he’s been clutching at like it was his mama’s womb.
I mean, what is it with that guy? Is this the moment, leading up to the moment, I’ve been waiting for? Unfortunately, we can’t force things around here, seeing as how we report only the facts. Things happen the way they happen, and not how we would like them to be. There are plenty of fiction sites one can go to, I’m sure, if that’s the type of thing one wants. Such as the Kyiv Poster. But as you well know, unlike the Poster, we here at Kyiv Unedited just don’t sit around making things up whenever the notion, so to speak, strikes us.
Now please turn to the story, newly minted for your exasperation, in the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section of this noble and righteous website.
Thank you
HUMILIATING COURT NOTICE, January 28, 2016 (FRAME 294)
Saint Stephan on Trial: The Cross Examiner
Now in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!! Need more be said? No, not actually. But for that, which would be said if it needed to be, click on the heading’s link and read to find out!
No, we’ve decided there’s really nothing more that needs saying, except for what’s in the actual story, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS… over in the pile of categories on your right…
Oh, and while you’re at it, gentle reader, why not go ahead and rifle through the more than 300 other stories in all the other categories combined, as if you were in the secret basement of an abandoned library, condemned and sealed off long ago by the municipal authorities for scary reasons that have by now been forgotten, although the library, for some reason, still stands, or in the creaky attic loft of a tall old house on a tree-lined street of a middle-class suburb somewhere in the United States of America ingeniously disguised by some macabre and unknown force as a portal to a dimension in another world.
STORY NOTICE, January 31, 2016 (FRAME 295)
Back in the Newsroom – Upstairs
Now! In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS…
Say, what is it with that Boner, anyway? Is this story saying he’s not so stupid after all, but actually a mean-spirited son of a bitch, looking out only for himself and facing his last chance at fame, stroking it like a boner?
Be your own judge and read the scintillating new report in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS before February 1 (of this year) for the chance to win a free Ferret Dartboard or Welsh Losser Punching Bag at a 50% discount due to overstock and a raging two to one ratio of supply under demand, either or both of which with the Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board cannot keep up! Help us, please, take these outdated items, which you will in any case find very useful for your home, off our hands, not looking at cultural consumerist tropes like what’s in or even in fashion today!!!
HUMILIATING COURT NOTICE EXTENSION, February 2, 2016 (FRAME 296)
Saint Stephan on Trial: The Character(less) Witness
You know the drill, readers!!! Highly recommended in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS right now!!! Alas, but where else-wise would it be? Huh?!?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No, I shalln’t, because you bug me, like all get out, you freaking bug the hell out of me.
You’re incredibly ugly and disgusting to everything I consider sacred in the beauty of God’s blue and green world.
Who made you, and toward what purpose? And yet, you insist on living.
Better check out NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS now instead.
Sincerely,
Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board, also known as KUSEB
Our motto: “We’re letting you come closer…”
STORY NOTICE, February 17, 2016 (FRAME 297)
Sweaty Problems – about how bad the Tank Top is
Sizzling hot and brand new in… NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS…
Please go to the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section of this website to read about Sweaty Tank Top – and what people think of him.
This is very important to know about.
Truly: Highly Recommended
STORY NOTICE, February 19, 2016 (FRAME 298)
JUST SO YOU KNOW: Back in the Newsroom
Now, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS
Because sometimes we just want some easy talkin’, baby, you dig, like the cats jammin’ cool, getting’ down and chillin’ nice, like fire on ice – yeah, baby, finding some easy way down, in the cool, cool soun’, just chillin’, just talkin’, yeah, just doin’ your thang, just gettin’ it on…
Um…
Yeah baby… in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, to find out… you dig…
Yeah…
LETTER NOTICE, February 20, 2016 (FRAME 299)
The Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: A Letter to D. Lynch
From the Kyiv Unedited’s Lettering Famous World People Campaign Series (LFWPCS), With the Singular Mission of Bringing Our Work to Light
Right now, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS
Yeah – we’ll see how it goes
See for yourselves how it will indeed go, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS – now!!!
LETTER NOTICE, February 23, 2016 (FRAME 300)
The Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: A 2nd Letter to D. Lynch
Read this second brave and astounding attempt by Kyiv Unedited to reach DAVID LYNCH via letter – in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS… just about now!!!
It’s evidence!!!
No. This time, we’re SURE he’ll answer. Turn to Letter No. 2 to David Lynch from Kyiv Unedited, currently available in the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section. Of this website, of course.
We know you’re cheering for us, Commix fans!!!
LETTER NOTICE, February 25, 2016 (FRAME 301)
The Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: A 3rd Letter to D. Lynch
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, right now, Mr. Lynch, with your oddly obstinate refusal to engage our efforts to engage you, we think after you read our letter No. 3, you will, well, let’s just say you will most likely change your ways, and leave it at that…
Fame – something of which to be wary. Too much of it may not be a good thing…
‘Cause it’ll getchya, getchya, yeah…
Mr. Lynch… Mr. Lynch…
MR. LYNCH!!!
Read Letter No. 3 in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS
LETTER NOTICE, February 25, 2016 (FRAME 302)
The Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: D. Lynch Sends REPLY LETTER to Kyiv Unedited
Well, seems like Mr. Lynch was in rather a hurry to answer us, as evidenced in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS now.
We wonder why?
Hey, what’s the rush, Mr. Lynch? What took you so long?
Now figure out which one we mean…
Has Mr. Lynch just been exposed!!!
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!
Readers – please turn to the corresponding letter in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS to get the juicy on the skinny, and strictly NOT on the QT!!!
LYNCH NOTICE, February 29, 2016 (FRAME 303)
Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: D. Lynch Shocks with Real Life Dimensions at Chin & Chang’s East Eats – Part 1
I bet you thought he wouldn’t show up – available now!!! in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!!
Hell, we don’t even know who’s writing this. The story, purportedly about David Lynch showing up at a top Chinese restaurant in Kyiv, labeled Part 1 (thus leading us to conjecture that there may possibly be more Parts following), and now illegally available in the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section of this website, is written in first person, but then signed as if written by someone else. The feeling is, like, I don’t know, like… something phony’s going on… or something…
LYNCH NOTICE, March 3, 2016 (FRAME 304)
Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: D. Lynch Shocks with Real Life Dimensions at Chin & Chang’s East Eats – Part 2
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS now!!!
I’ll keep this short, so you’ll now learn the whole truth about David Lynch. But to succeed in this endeavor, please go to NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, for in doing so, you will be richly rewarded…
SEMI-LYNCH NOTICE, March 5, 2016 (FRAME 305)
Kyiv Commix’x Lynch Files: D. Lynch Shocks with Real Life Dimensions at Chin & Chang’s East Eats – Part 3
There is much more here than what happens to David Lynch at a Chinese restaurant in downtown Kyiv – in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!! Please go there for the scoop!
To wit:
Are The Kyiv Commix real? Commix Girl believes they are. And not only that, but that we are all being inexorably sucked into its vortex, notwithstanding our strongest wishes…
You will undoubtedly find out more by now turning to the appropriate page in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS – and remember, you do so of your own free will, which only YOU control!!!
NON-LYNCH NOTICE, March 8, 2016 (FRAME 306)
Kyiv Commix’x Non-Lynch Files: Wherein Commix Girl Becomes… Commix Girl!!!
The latest, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, is that Commix Girl, it would appear, becomes part of Kyiv Commix through her own vision of those very Commix and the role she sees for herself in them.
Although this is a really simplistic interpretation of what’s actually going on…
NOW – IN NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS…
My guess is, though I may be wrong, that a super-heroine will probably seem a little strange to the people in Kyiv Commix, as The Commix have never had any real superheroes before.
Or did they?
No, my mind’s pretty much made up – The Commix have never really had a superhero before and I’ll argue Commix Girl is the first one.
So be it. What’s important is that you read the story in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, rather than get bogged down in immaterial issues such as this, which have little to do with a cup of joe in Commix. Let me worry about these things, while you sit back and enjoy the show…
STORY NOTICE, March 8, 2016 (FRAME 307)
The Saint
NOW!!! – in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!!
Sa-a-a-a-ay, what is this, what is this???
But we were just going on about David Lynch, when suddenly… Saint Stephan??? A martyr???
Smith, The Half Guinea, The Hunched Cornish, some kitchen in Podil…
Nah… it couldn’t be…
But it is, it is!!! Only in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS… NOW!!!
STORY NOTICE, March 17, 2016 (FRAME 308)
The Trouble with Ferrets (TM) – that’s right… another one
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS
A group of ferrets is commonly referred to as a “business”.
That’s what we learn in this unsanctioned piece, which has somehow been insinuated into the NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS section of this venerable website. If you go there, and read “The Trouble with Ferrets (TM)”, you’ll see what we mean.
So if there are more than two ferrets anywhere at any one time, one would need to refer to them as a “business”, as in, “Hey, look, over there by those rocks! If I’m not mistaken, it’s a business of ferrets!!!” To which, whoever you’re with would respond something like, “Well, I’ll be danged if it isn’t a business of ferrets at that!!!” The conversation, such as it is, could then, presumably, go on and on, pivoting entirely on a highly questionable obiter dictum regarding a shared sighting of an alleged ferret business, and that conversation might continue something like this: “So, you think those ferrets are running their business”; “I don’t know,” the response might come. “They might be running IN the business, but whether they’re actually running the business itself, would probably depend on how much of it is theirs”; “Well, I’d actually be interested in finding out what that business is in the first place before moving on to questions of ownership”; “Oh, that’s easy – The Ferret business!”; and then the interlocutors share a hearty, head-bobbing shoulder-shaking laugh, which would probably sound something like this: “Ha ha ho ho ha ha hooooo…!!!”; possibly followed with filler comments thrown in as they blow their noses and wipe the tears from their eyes, like, “Oh, man, a business of ferrets, The Ferret business, it’s just too much, I tell ya”; which is then answered by, “Yeah, I know, I know, it absolutely slays me!”; and they both laugh again.
“Ha ha ho ho ha ha hooooo…!!!”
A variant of this very same conversation can then start all over again.
The piece, presumptuously called a “frame”, according to Kyiv Commix (Unedited) terminology, was filed by Dirk Dickerson.
But we say that simply cannot be.
TROUBLING FERRET NOTICE, March 18, 2016 (FRAME 309)
The Trouble with Ferrets and YOU
Another unlikely Dirk Dickerson entry – in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS
I think the psychological damage done to the kid in the opening sequences by the likeness of Welsh Losser on the punching bag in “The Trouble with Ferrets and YOU” is irreparable. As this is a product of Kyiv Commix Enterprises, it makes me wonder where the morality is of this company I work for.
I’ll tell you where. Nowhere, that’s where. There IS NO morality. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s all about making money, that’s why. Money, money, money.
It makes me sick just to think on’t.
Also, I hope you realize that THIS IS NOT THE STORY but merely the messenger letting you know there’s a story waiting for you in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, over on the right, so don’t blame me.
STORY NOTICE, April 5, 2016 (FRAME 310)
The Day After
Or, how Steve Kowalski feels after being beaten up by The Ferret, at least in part, for there is also an inexplicable last-minute diversion of The Half Guinea and his talking dog humiliating a crudely fashioned dough figure of John Smith in The Checkout’s kitchen, located somewhere in the bohemian yet quickly gentrifying district of Podil.
At this very moment!!! Over on your right!!! In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!!
Brought together especially for you by Mr. Electricity and My Ideal. You, my favorite readers, are but one click away. Well, two clicks away. Go there or be circle, no, be triangle, no rhombus, no, rectangle – me thinks we’re getting hot – no, polygon, no,
Look, we don’t like it any more than you do, but we’ve said it more than once here on Kyiv Unedited – you’ve got to be tough in this life, instead of acting like some oblivious prissy little randy-dandy, thinking the world is at your service, you’re some poet, and you will magically be given the things you need, because you’re just so wonderfully you, and as if The Lord’s Prayer actually works.
But the fact is, in Kyiv Commix, you’re not you, but someone else either playing you or taking your place. And The Lord’s Prayer is a different Prayer. Of a different Lord.
STORY NOTICE, April 14, 2016 (FRAME 311)
The Trouble with Detectives: in Kyiv
As you may have suspected – in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS! It’s one of the sections of this website. All tolled (not told, just like it’s can’t cut the muster, not mustard, toe the line, not tow the line, and Argentine, not Argentinian), they contain loads and loads of stories – over on your right!!!
No, sorry, but it doesn’t end here. Now you’ve got me started. It’s all tolled – all tolled, all tolled, all tolled, as in, all added up, in summation, and no doubt a few other like-mannered expressions within normal transmitted and received English as spoken in the second decade of the 21st century, any and all other mistakes notwithstanding, and not all told.
I mean, think about it; when someone starts a sentence with all told, doesn’t that sound kind of stupid? You know, goofy? I mean, has everything truly been said about the thing being referred to when someone writes all told?
No, it hasn’t, nor could it ever be, and that’s why it can never be all told, but all tolled, but almost never is. In my experience, it NEVER is, except here, on Kyiv Unedited, where, all tolled, you will never see such… such… bastardization of the Mother Tongue.
No one knows this! Newsmen do it, writers (so-called) do it, scholars translating the Homeric epics do it, and the editors who are supposed to correct them do it, too – obviously – since they let it by, clearly being in the dark that this is a big, big mistake.
And, except for you, dear readers, they shall remain in the dark unless they read this, too. Chalk it up to their loss and your gain. And have no doubts that one day this wisdom, freshly acquired from our pages, will come in handy.
Okay, so it’s actually all told. Don’t be a sucker.
STORY NOTICE, April 15, 2016 (FRAME 312)
The Gentleman Is In
If you are in, see “The Gentleman is in”, just in newly in, in plain view, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS – now!!! In
What the hell.
I don’t even know what to say.
So don’t even expect some long-winded diatribe, rant, harangue, or what have you, from me – one that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the piece, “The Gentleman is in”, which you are about to read, in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, because it ain’t gonna happen…
STORY NOTICE, April 18, 2016 (FRAME 313)
Step and Dickerson Blow off Work
For the whole story, “Step and Dickerson Blow off Work”, and all its sordid details, please see the section called NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS on your right at a Kyiv Unedited site near you.
I don’t think there’s much of a difference between Step and Dickerson blowing off work and Step and Dickerson actually working.
The question is, why does Ukraine want the West but instead gets Welsh Losser, Josh Davies, and The Ferret?
That, I think, is what the two agents have begun to realize. While this is not explicitly stated in the story, “Step and Dickerson Blow off Work,” easily findable in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS, I do think the feeling of it is implied.
The assignment is not to find the source of evil, for evil doesn’t have any one source that anyone can ever exactly put a finger on (thereby making it easier to target and eliminate).
Nor does evil ever really have a reason for being. It just is.
But I have gone too far, I fear. For I hear someone telling me that in saying these things I am not only taking advantage of the privilege I have of writing in Section X – a sort of message board meant to notify, or warn, you of every new story that comes on line with Kyiv Unedited – but I am also interpreting the story for you before you have even had a chance to read it.
And that I shall never do. The story’s the main thing. This is just the herald.
STORY NOTICE, May 4, 2016 (FRAME 319)
Saint Stephan and No Title Here
Now in NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS
I wish I could say something really funny in this space
STORY NOTICE, May 7, 2016 (FRAME 320)
Saint Stephan in “All for Goldstein”
Now! In! NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS!!!
From Kyiv Commix’x “All for Goldstein” Retrospective and Restoration Series
In this episode (possibly Episode 1: The Memorial), with the help of Goldstein, Saint Stephan finally finds fame and fortune in and/or around Hollywood – or does he…
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS… now!!!
If you do not go there, then you will be square… and that’s a fact!
STORY NOTICE, May 9, 2016 (FRAME 321)
Saint Stephan in “All for Goldstein”, Episode 1, ‘The Memorial’, Continued…
From Kyiv Commix’x “All for Goldstein” Retrospective and Restoration Series
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS – now!!!
Does Saint Stephan clinch the deal of his lifetime?
There’s only one way to find out.
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS – you can tell your friends before it makes the evening news!!!
STORY NOTICE, May 13, 2015 (FRAME 322)
Kyiv Commix’x “All for Goldstein” Retrospective and Restoration Series Presents: Saint Stephan in “All for Goldstein”
Episode 2: What’s Welsh Losser Have to Do with It?
In this episode, Saint Stephan’s fortunes abruptly change – for the worse…
Or maybe for the better…
In NEW COMMIX & FRAMEWORKS… now!!!
Note from Secret Editorial Board: We initially had reservations about posting this piece to Kyiv Unedited, given its possible anti-Semitic content, but Goldstein himself has confirmed to us in writing that every word of it is 100 percent accurate and he has the tape to prove it.
TWO LONG NON-STORY NOTICES SUMMARIZED
Here, in two lengthy notices from May 15 and 16, 2016, we are told about what in hindsight turned out to be completely unnecessary subsections disappearing from the website and their materials being reintegrated back into the original Checkout and Kyiv Commix sections, out of which they had come. Likewise, the section Kyiv Commix replaces the section New Commix & Frameworks (earlier Frameworks + Anti-Commix).
The better lines salvaged from these two wordy notices are:
We here at Kyiv Unedited realize the utter uselessness of posting these notices, but we’re going to do it anyway.
Further, the affiant sayeth naught.
I didn’t feel like making any jokes in this Notice. Maybe it’s funnier that way.
STORY NOTICE, May 22, 2016 (FRAME 323)
Saint Stephan in “All for Goldstein”, Episode 3: The Goldstein Prophecy, Part 1
In the section KYIV COMMIX – now!!!
Events as presented in The Goldstein Prophecy are ultimately crucial to the prophetic events referenced in a very early frame on this site regarding Welsh Losser, or, more precisely, the memory of him in history, back in Kyiv in the year 2053. If you care to find it in Kyiv Commix, it’s there; the year is in the title.
Nyugets…
STORY NOTICE, May 30, 2016 (FRAME 324)
“All for Goldstein”, Episode 3: The Goldstein Prophecy, Part 2
In the KYIV COMMIX section of this website now!!!
Starring GOLDSTEIN!!! in the title role. Co-starring Saint Stephan. Featuring uncounted and uncredited Welsh Losser extras.
Whereby this particular prophecy – the Goldstein one – is complete. From the sound of the thing, either path Goldstein chooses, it does not appear he can win. And if he chooses not to act at all, it probably won’t make a difference.
CHECKOUT NOTICE, STORY NOTICE, CHECKOUT STORY NOTICE, June 6, 2016 (FRAME 325)
Josh Davies’s Head
Now, in the section on this website called THE CHECKOUT – see for yourselves, and believe…
For background on this particular case, please see “Winter Shore” – several stories back in space, and exactly 1½ years back in time – in the very same section – THE CHECKOUT, that is.
“So, newly awakened, are we? No – it is YOU who have been asleep.”
– from Something Never Written, by William Shakespeare
CHECKOUT STORY NOTICE, June 7, 2016 (FRAME 326)
Josh Davies’s Head Continued
Say – you don’t mean in THE CHECKOUT again, do you, doc? Well, do ya, huh, do ya, do ya?!
That’s exactly what I mean, son! I said, I said, go there for Act 2 now, before you miss it!
Nah… it just COULDN’T be…
It is, I say, I say, it is, boy, it is!!!
Am I late?
Well, if you’re getting here now, you probably are. But if you go to THE CHECKOUT, you might just catch the rerun, uh, that’d be the remake, uh, what I meant to say was the matinee…
Much obliged
Don’t mention it
I won’t
Okay
All right
Okay
COMMIX STORY NOTICE, June 14, 2016 (FRAME 327)
Meanwhile, Back in Kyiv – Part 1
Now, all starry and brand new in KYIV COMMIX!!! Take a look inside, over on your right…
Featuring Commix Girl, Jack Step in his own words, and, unfortunately, The Ferret, in the developing Case of the Hasidic Strip Bar – in the KYIV COMMIX section of this website right now!!! Open it and let the glorious mystery, washing over you, unfold!!!
COMMIX NOTICE, June 21, 2016 (FRAME 328)
Meanwhile, Back in Kyiv Continued, aka Part 2
The world, it is filled with evil, and this is just a tiny little part of it – Now, in the KYIV COMMIX section of this website!!!
Jack Step – all wound up and unwinding at the same time… What’s this all leading to? The only way to answer that question is to read the latest frame installment in KYIV COMMIX. And then, the only way to really find out is to read whatever story follows. Another Part 2, according to the rumor mills. In other words, the story you are about to read in KYIV COMMIX, based on this outrageous and provocative announcement of the piece, is indeed Part 2, but then what they’re saying is that will be followed by yet another Part 2, a Second one, which, I gather, will also be preceded by its very own announcement in this very same section, the name of which I rather forget at the moment. Section X, is it? But how is that possible? I don’t know, I just write the stories – and the announcements in Section X that go with them, designed specifically to appeal to your ravenous delectation of the Commix Literary Esthetic.
COMMIX NOTICE, June 21, 2016 (FRAME 329)
Meanwhile, Back in Kyiv Continued, the Second Part 2
In KYIV COMMIX – now!!! The ONLY place where you will find REAL COMMIX LITERATURE!!! Tangy, fast, and saucy, just like the Literature Doctor of the Future ordered…
Oh, and of course, very politically correct – HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!
Following fast (as you can clearly see) on the heels of The First Part 2 – now, for an unlimited time only, in KYIV COMMIX – a formidable section of this website over on your right, having, as its preceders before it, also taken its rightful place there on this endless trek of stories that will keep you reading yet never satisfy the one obvious question: What actually happened…???
You can find it easy, since there are only 3 sections, doc!!! (Well, technically, 4, but, but… aaahh…)
Like we said, see, yeah, nye, in KYIV COMMIX, see, nye, and what’re you gonna do about it, see, nye… nye… see… nye… It was like we said, see… nye… nye… nye… So why’d you expect anything different, see… Nye – Mugsy don’t like that, see… nye…
So you better go there now, see… nye… nye… or Mugsy makes sure you don’t go there at all…
Nye… nye… nye…
STORIES!!! NOTICE, July 6, 2016 (FRAMES 330-334)
Triumphant Worms Feast in Their Halls – Parts 1-5
An unfortunate modern-day allegory of Steve Kowalski – in 5 easy installments, each one with its own individually handcrafted link you merely have to click to read…
NOW!!! in the KYIV COMMIX section of this website near you!!!
Special American 240th Anniversary Fourth of July Independence Day Special, and only 2 lousy days late!!!
For this, Dear KU Readers, not only do you get five separate yet loosely related stories in their own clickable spaces, but if the stories on this amazing website had been free up till now, well, then this set is Double Free!!! Enjoy the Holiday! Because that’s what America, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, is all about – FREEDOM!!!
That’s right – you’ve never had it so good! And almost all the Real Commix Literature you can read ONLY ON KYIV UNEDITED, the only place you will ever find REAL COMMIX LITERATURE!!!
Did we say that already? Well, the point is so singular and significant, it bears repeating – REAL COMMIX LITERATURE, RIGHT HERE, AND ONLY!!! Because no one else writes it, but us! And if they did, it wouldn’t be as good.
NOW!!!
INSIDE KYIV COMMIX:
Triumphant Worms Feast in Their Halls – Part 1
An unfortunate modern-day allegory of Steve Kowalski
Triumphant Worms Feast in Their Halls – Part 2
An unfortunate modern-day allegory of Steve Kowalski, continued
Triumphant Worms Feast in Their Halls – Part 3
An unfortunate modern-day allegory of Steve Kowalski, continued continued
Triumphant Worms Feast in Their Halls – Part 4
An unfortunate modern-day allegory of Steve Kowalski, starring Clint Eastwood, David Lynch, His Dwarf (wait till Part 5), and Goldstein. Co-starring Commix Girl and Littman
Place: Commix Café
Triumphant Worms Feast in Their Halls – Part 5
An unfortunate modern-day allegory of Steve Kowalski, concluded but not concluded, although it appears that things might have actually gotten better. It’s for you to decide…
Time: Midsummer 2016, Daytime, after lunch, but not late
Place: Commix Café
COMMIX NOTICE, December 10, 2016 (FRAME 335)
V-13 Part 1: One Fierce Twist of Time; With Nicolas Cage
You are herewith being politely asked not to leave this website, but to indeed go to the COMMIX section, over on your right, wherein you will find a NEW STORY waiting for you RIGHT NOW!!!
And wherein you will further find
Following an inexplicable and unjustified absence of activity for the last 5 months
A NEW WORK of Tangy Commix Literature (also sometimes known as Real Commix Literature), perhaps better than some pieces in there already, perhaps worse than others, and as to the rest, quite possibly around the same
But nevertheless, certainly taking over from the banality of the short story and novel and to dominate for the next 400 years
And so, one may ask, should you be that rare and intrepid explorer who has come back to a site to check out the ancient wreckage to try to piece together what actually happened, or to muse wickedly over a presumed demise, why is this suddenly here, exactly 5 months after the last thing of similar look was posted on a website (namely, this one) presumed dead for at least that long?
Well, that’s not a good question, but to as close as I have come to an answer, we have this to say:
And the people, despising him, leapt and danced and improvised all manner of revelry and rejoicing, some quietly taking their secret pleasures in the news, and others exclaiming amongst themselves with tremendous glee how he was now dead, realizing, they were certain, at the moment of his downfall what they’d said of him all along – that he is but a loser who’d imagined, to his own detriment, himself flying just a little too high.
And so they laughed and laughed.
Ha ha, they said, and ho ho emitted their throats.
But lo, for an angel of the Lord appeared, and finding the man at his worst moment, threw him down painfully to his knees, and the man cried out:
Ow!
To which the angel of the Lord replied, What ails you
And the man said, Is it not enough that I am in pain that to this pain you should add more
And the angel replied, I don’t know
But then, taking something not unlike pity upon the man, the angel asked him, What is your complaint?
To which the man said, But, sweet angel of the Lord, why slam you me down anon when I am already down? Is it because I am not a writer, or because I have proven myself not to be, seeing as how the publishers have not flocked unto me? Or is it a punishment for my hubris, for ever pretending I was something I was never meant to be, and maybe for a brief time actually myself believing the same self-told lie? For why did the Lord do this to me, if it is clear that I am not The Chosen One?
Silence! the Angel of the Lord thundered, battering from either side with a mighty clap of his great wings the man’s head, setting his skull a-ringing, upon which the angel continued
For it is not for you, insignificant no-one, to say what your measure in this world is or is not to be, but for The Lord. Do not make God angry, do not provoke the wrath of Your Lord!
But what shall I do, asked the man, now greatly troubled and sore dismayed.
You shall pick up your pen again and write! be it ever so poorly crafted and outright bad. Write! For The Lord Your God commands it!
His message concluded, the Angel of the Lord refused to longer tarry with the man, even upon the man’s pleading, to answer mysteries and the man’s many questions and such, much the way The Subtle Serpent known as Satan, or any among his minions, might – but only to confuse the man and sow dissension among his kind rather than clear anything up and bring forth enlightenment and greater understanding for the benefit of the creatures God loved so much that for them he gave His Only Son.
And with one mighty downward flap of his wings, the Angel of the Lord stirred the Earth beneath him and rose up, leaving there the man whom The Lord His God had just commanded through the visiting angel to write, which, he in time would realize, is precisely [text missing].
But at the moment of his greatest doubt, as the angel rose and rose, the man called up to him, crying, But what about Free Will – I thought The Lord My God gave me Free Will.
He did, the angel cried back down to the man before disappearing into the clouds
But it doesn’t work that well
OKAY, LOOK
In any case, please go to the section of this website over on your right called COMMIX, wherein you will find V-13 Part 1: One Fierce Twist of Time, involving the great Hollywood star Nicolas Cage – a new story waiting for you RIGHT NOW!!!
DISCLAIMER NOTICE, December 14, 2016
This is not the Disclaimer, but merely a Notice ABOUT the Disclaimer, which is at the bottom of the HOME page
Well, this is just to say it appears someone has destructively added some more disjointed text to the DISCLAIMER (Appendix B of this volume), which is at the bottom of the HOME page of this venerable website, if you care to read it. Well, just go ahead and click on it; I mean, what can I tell you? This kind of thing does nothing to further the purposes and cross-purposes of KYIV UNEDITED, but for some reason we thought you should know.
Quite the pity, this kind of thing, that it happens. Really, we have no control over it. Clearly, websites were made with the built-in ability to be broken into. Because if they weren’t, then the spies and secret agencies wouldn’t be able to get at all the juicy behind what’s inside – know what I mean? I mean, hackers don’t do all that hard work for the fun of it. One would have to be unnaturally naive to think they’re not working for someone, and that a bunch of other hacking that they’re doing, made to look like mischief, isn’t simply to cover and distract from what they’re REALLY after.
Even what I’m saying here right now is in code, in a desperate, and perhaps heroic, almost last-ditch effort to make sure they don’t know precisely what it is I’m trying to say – but only those who are truly on the inside of this project, along with me, can, with some effort, decipher the true meaning behind these otherwise random lines and arbitrary connections of words – words, that are merely syllables; syllables, that are merely letters; letters, that are merely sounds; sounds, that even a monkey could make, if they had our brains; so really, as you can see, it means nothing; all of it, nothing at all; none of it means a damn thing; because insofar as we make meaning, then if any of this means anything, then it means something else, if anything at all, and not what you think, having been led to believe so from how you’ve been trained all your life to read sentences just like these, and therefore, to read meanings into them – meanings that simply don’t exist.
Even without the Internet in our lives, we’re being watched – all the time. Why do you think we need curtains for our windows? And do you think those extra-loud and jarring phone calls coming in through our fixed-line connections that we freeze up at and don’t answer, even though they continue to ring up to 10 and even 20 times, are just coincidence and wrong numbers? You know the neighbor is listening through the wall, or the floor or the ceiling to everything you’re doing while putting on that innocent act when you bump into him (or her) in the morning. I mean, are you sure they work for whom they say they work for, and not someone else. And what about their funny names? Do you really think they’re theirs? What’s it with all those notes they’re always taking, the pictures on their smartphones, the videos they’re always making, and all that non-stop talking, quietly, cupping their mouths with a hand while looking at you sideways? Do you really think selfies are actually “selfies”? Every single time we make a move, say anything, look anywhere, every single Internet site we visit, every bit of information we call up, keyboard stroke we make, email or any other type of message or image we send – well, it’s all being recorded, all taken down, yes, that’s right, every single last little digit and detail and thing. Soon, if not already, they’ll be able to see you when you go to a website from the other side of your computer screen. And they’ll get so bold about it, that you’ll be able to see them behind there too, walking back and forth in their offices, behind their cubicles, getting together to laugh and point their mocking fingers. They can probably see you through your screen right now, and you don’t even have to turn the damn thing on. Oh, for sure they’re watching, for sure. It’s as certain as today’s date, which will become tomorrow’s nightmare. Wikipedia, for example, is a highly organized, multi-layered and deep-penetrating supra-global spy net that at the very least collects information – all information – as opposed to cheerfully dispensing it for free at our merest request, asking oh-so innocently on occasion for that humble donation, which, as should be abundantly clear by now, is exactly what they’d like us to think. And that’s just one organization. But what of all the ones out there of which we do not yet know, or never will? Google? Amazon? Do you really think it’s such a grand thing that you’re on Twitter? Facebook? Don’t you get even the slightest feeling that you’ve all been duped? That you’ve exchanged your entire lives, given them over to all-powerful strangers and the indomitable and indestructible forces they work for, and serve, in exchange for feelings and sensations that don’t exist, except as programmed by them into your mind; for things that aren’t real; for, in actual fact, complete control over you.
And yet, I promise you, my KYIV UNEDITED reading friends: Nobody, and but nobody is able to get at, much less crack, the secret codes embedded in the sacred texts inside this site – for they are now and shall always remain safe with me.
COMMIX NOTICE, Dec. 23, 2016 (FRAME 336)
V-13 Part 2: The Laurels of Suspicion, Starring Nicolas Cage
Clearly a continuation from V-13 Part 1 – In the nearest COMMIX SECTION of this website NEAR YOU!!!
And what is V-13, you ask, if indeed you are asking anything, or even reading this (which would be a prerequisite to the very aforesaid asking in the first place, would it not)? The answer is, I don’t know. All I know is, it’s the name of the really cool story you are now reading over in the Commix section of this website upon the suggestion of these worthless notices here in Section X, which not only attempt to indicate that a new work is ready for your delectation in another section of this website (Commix, just to take a random example), but also try to appeal to your… to your… ah, quite honestly, we don’t know to your what.
A story filled with ominous vehement Lossers roaming purposefully about, strange new settings and the anomalies that go with them, another ill-willed character or two, a steadfast Saint Stephan (one who would justifiably call himself righteous if he weren’t so goddamn modest – Oh, Baby, Oh, Man!!!) and his excellent new friend, none other than the valiant and intrepid Nicolas Cage.
And you shall notice, by the way, that we refrain from ALSO calling Nicolas Cage a great and famous movie star, because WE DON’T KISS ASS…
And after being apprised of all these exciting things, the question remains: How can you NOT go to COMMIX over on your right RIGHT NOW and, and –
Sometimes, some things simply fall off
DISCLAIMER NOTICE (of which this is but the mere Notice and not the Actual Disclaimer), December 23, 2016
Just in case you missed it
Or didn’t think there was any reason to go to, of all things, The Disclaimer (available just below, on the very Home page you’re on right now – just a short scroll down and only ONE QUICK AND EASY CLICK AWAY!!!)
What a cheap and shoddy way of filling up Kyiv Unedited with text. Yeah, so, if you don’t have any actual story text, just put some shit in at the end of The Disclaimer to compensate.
Okay, fair enough point, readers, except for one thing – WE’RE NOT DOING IT! SOMEBODY ELSE IS, AND THERE’S NOT A DAMN THING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!
So we put this Notice into Section X as a service because, quite simply, we think you should know about it, and that’s NOT just some likely story.
No, really, it’s not. Honest. We’re doing our best trying to tell you the truth. You’ve got to believe us – you’ve just GOT to!!!
COMMIX NOTICE, Dec. 25, 2016, CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (FRAME 337)
V-13 Part 3: The Breach in the Horizon
O, Devoted Readers: There, on your right, in the COMMIX section of this website, RIGHT NOW! A Christmas present from Kyiv Unedited to you!!! Inside – NICOLAS CAGE!!! AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!
There isn’t always something to say in this section once you’ve taken the trouble of getting here, except to repeat that V-13 Part 3: The Breach in the Horizon, starring Nicolas Cage and Saint Stephan, is here! You will find it in the COMMIX section of this website.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMIX NOTICE, Dec. 31, 2016: V-13 Part 4 (FRAME 338)
An Axis to Grind, Starring Nicolas Cage
In the COMMIX section of Kyiv Unedited RIGHT NOW!!! You NEED this story! It is DESIRABLE!!! And it is twice as long ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!!!
Did I already say Starring Nicolas Cage? Well, if you should ask him, he’ll tell you that none of this happened. And if he does tell you that, he’s lying. He simply doesn’t want this story to get out, but knowing, and not knowing, Nicolas Cage, the way I do, he may have any number of motives for that, although I think this is probably something any one of us can say about him, to be quite honest and fair. Nevertheless…
For what you are undoubtedly about to read, over in the COMMIX section of this website, is true every word of it, with nothing embellished or taken away, and with everything happening exactly in the sequence described, with every single word inside quotation marks spoken exactly as shown.
Read it and bring in the New Year with even more unknown knowledge about Nicolas Cage and how he, with the help of Saint Stephan, has just ended 2016 by saving a very far outskirt of Hollywood (but, for all that, not less significant than Hollywood proper, given the current state and very dangerous circumstances the whole place is in indeed), so celebrate, all ye, and REJOICE!
And now, for the grand finale of The Year, although not the end of V-13 (whatever that is), please go to the COMMIX section of this website, over on your right, where V-13 Part 4: An Axis to Grind, Starring Nicolas Cage, is waiting for you RIGHT NOW!!!
COMMIX NOTICE, Jan. 3, 2017 (339)
V-13 Part 5: Toads of Turtle, Continuing Starring Nicolas Cage
Something tells us this story took a wrong turn early and never returned, along its way becoming some sort of monster, a horrid aberration. Nevertheless, we urge your patience by reading it in the COMMIX section of this website RIGHT NOW!!! Turn not away in disgust, but have pity on its soul, for it, too, is one of Our creatures.
No story, this, but some cryptic time-warp anomaly, a deformed fairytale beast, a true freak of narration.
FINAL COMMIX NOTICE, Jan. 6, 2017 (FRAME 340)
V-13 Part 6 and Final: The Big Blue Lady
For a limited time only, in the COMMIX section of this website RIGHT NOW!!!
Is this the end for our caped crusader? Aaaahh… apparently, yeah…
This is the Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board signing off. We’d like to thank you for choosing our system and wish you a safe and pleasant journey the rest of your way home, wherever that may be.
ANNEX OF BROKEN NOTICES NOTICE
Reconstructing the Case History by Sifting Back through the Unavailable Evidence
With regard to the Annex of Broken Notices, referenced below, it appears that it was used as a sort of trash receptacle into which the Story Notices in Section X would be dumped as their number increased and began to visually overwhelm the Home Page. However, in the end, as you will presently see, the Annex of Broken Notices was itself trashed.
TO ANNEX OF BROKEN NOTICES
A Broken Notice
There’s nothing he-e-e-e-r-e…
We asked you not to enter, but you did it anyway.
Date: Sometime in January, The Night Before (Ukrainian Greek Orthodox) Christmas, 2017
As in:
It was the Night before X-mas
And all through the House
Not a Commix was stirring
Not even The Ferret
Nyur nyag nyaaaooowww…