The Hunched Cornish tells all – in this distasteful, badly written, disingenuous, phony, and truly irritating piece
So, what exactly happened to you, Smith asks me.
I became a little soil’d i’ th’ working.
Uh-huh. Um, you just back from Krakow, he further asks.
Yeah.
Why did you go there? Visa?
The Hunched Cornish doesn’t need any visas.
Oh. Well, ah, what did the trip cost you; what did you pay for air?
If The Hunched Cornish pays, it’s whatever he deems appropriate to pay.
Aaaaahhh, so why do you pay for these meals, for example?
The company covers it. I don’t give a damn.
So, if you didn’t go to Krakow for a visa, why did you go?
I find the wall around the Old Town fucking scary.
Well then, why do you spend so much time in Kyiv?
Don’t you think, Mr. Smith, that sometimes you ask too many questions, which could end up being one question too many?
Silence. Eyes turned down at the table. A metaphysically contemplated and weighed draft of mors. A thoughtful chewing of steak. A glazed-eyed wondering whether the longshoreman outfit is working. And then Smith starts again, but this time making statements – instead of trying to pry them out of me.
So, The Hunched Cornish, Manny Face answered you in his first piece for The Checkout.
Fuck him. I was wondering where the dull oily gleam in our general atmosphere was coming from – Face must have gotten the caps on his teeth shined – aaaaargh! And I wonder whom Jack Step gave a blowjob to at Kyiv Unedited to stick Face into The Checkout – and he gets to write whatever the fuck he wants. He’s Step’s boy, and I’m after the man, so any damage I do to Face if he crosses my path will be a way of getting at Step, who’s going down, and when I bring him down, it’s won’t be pretty. Oh, and by the way, Jack Step – so you’re going to come over into this section and seek The Hunched Cornish out – ooooo… The Hunched Cornish is real scared of Jack Step, ooooo…
So then Smith asks: Hey, what did you think of Brent Boner’s latest comment in the Kyiv Poster?
About putting the paywall up on the paper’s Internet version? Well, Mr. Smith, I thought it was a well-thought-out, balanced, and quite convincing argument in support of the move, buttressed by facts and examples from current global trends and practice.
Yes, Smith says, I was particularly impressed with the point Boner made about how the Kyiv Poster hopes the 5 percent who are the paper’s Internet readers, most of whom are outside Ukraine, by paying for the wall, will cover the costs of supplying the other 95 percent who are in Ukraine with free print copies.
Hold on, Smith. Did he say free?
Yes, he explicitly said free.
Well then, Mr. Smith, Boner’s logic is irreproachable. I’m impressed.
But, Hunched Cornish, what if there was no Internet?
Well, if the paper were any good, then the hard copy would be making the lion’s share of its revenues from ads, as opposed to newsstand sales and corporate subscriptions, exactly as in the traditional model of yesteryear.
But are you absolutely certain of that, The Hunched Cornish? I mean, financially, it’s a post-crisis world. Everything’s changed, changed utterly.
Yeah, you’re probably right, Mr. Smith.
Under the circumstances, then, if the paper was exactly the way it had been before the crisis hit, attractive to the local business community at large, from where all the ads used to come from, would it be making the kind of phenomenal ad revenue now it had been making before?
Not a chance, Smith.
And why is that, The Hunched Cornish?
Because, as you said, the times have changed.
Then I guess it’s a good thing there’s the Internet.
As we have no doubt already demonstrated in Mr. Boner’s difficult case. But he’s already passed all the tests. As I’ve said, I’m impressed.
Me too. In fact, I think he’s getting a bad rap from Kyiv Unedited attacking him all the time. I find him to be a fine, upstanding American-style editor and journalist in that country’s great free press tradition, battling remorseless odds in Ukraine set against everything he and the Kyiv Poster stand for. I also think he’s immensely talented and actually quite good looking; almost star quality. No offense, The Hunched Cornish.
None taken, Smith. He’ll probably get around to it when he gets the time, being so busy running the World’s Window Through Ukraine. But if he worked out those shoulders a little –
Yeah, and pared down the gut a tad –
Built up those arms –
And tucked up that neck – it’s not really noticeable yet, but if you look closely, I mean, really make a determined study of it, it sags ever so slightly, and taking action now to correct it will save him a hell of a lot of trouble in the looks department when the age starts showing through a little more insistently.
Yeah, if he approaches the problem right, then even his aging could be handsome.
I’m really glad you and I are on the same wavelength here regarding Brent Boner, seeing eye to eye for once, and all that.
You bet, Mr. Smith! What a relief! Me too!
And do you really believe everything we’ve just said?
Haaaaa… uuurgh…
The Hunched Cornish, March 12, 2013