… to steal market from Kyiv Unedited
Heh, heh, heh-heh-heh…
Heh-heh, that should just about do it; let’s see if it works. Heh, yeah, there it is, my new website, Kyiv Unread, now let’s see if I can post something on it. Heh, heh-heh, first I have to write a parody article. Here it goes, heh:
‘So The Curved Danish says, “Hey, Johnson, are you just going to sit there, or are you going to eat that steak,” and Tom Johnson answers, “Shut your ugly trap, Curved Danish, or I’ll kick your fucking ass all the way across this ancient city of Kyiv,” and so The Curved Danish says, “Ooooo… The Curved Danish is really scared of big bad Tom Johnson… ooooo…”’
Phew, heh-heh, that was hard. Heh. I never wrote anything like it. I wonder what should happen next. Let me look at Kyiv Unedited. I think Stephan is behind it. Yeah, heh, him and someone else, and I can’t figure out who, but that’s the key to bringing them down. Whoever it is, he must be the brains behind that operation, because Stephan is too fucking stupid to come up with Kyiv Unedited himself. Heh. Heh. I got him fired from the Kyiv Poster then, and I’ll get him fired from the market – now! Heh, heh, heh, heh…
Ring, ring, ring… ring, ring, ring…
Heh, I wonder who that could be.
Oh, hello there, Ferret.
Josh Davies! Heh!
I see you have lost little of your faculty for voice recognition.
Heh, heh, yeah, I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, because I got your name in my phone.
Well, that’s highly professional of you. And I suppose that helps?
Heh, heh, what do you mean? I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. It’s a regular feature on –
Now, calm that prehensile tail. I’m just making small talk before getting around to asking you if you’ve seen the parody piece I’ve sent you for your new website, Kyiv Unread, the one I’m certain will knock Kyiv Unedited out of the market and teach those upstarts a lesson.
Oh, yeah, heh-heh, your piece. Hold on, let me go to my mail and open it up right now. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. Okay, heh, here it is. I’m reading it now, let’s see.
Well, you just go ahead and do that now.
I said I will, so I am.
Well then you just go ahead then.
I will – heh, heh, don’t say anything. Shut up, shut up! DON’T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING!!! Hmm… heh… hmm…
(The Ferret reads out loud over the phone)
‘When I first met him, he still had hair and was standing bedraggled in a lumberjack coat outside a Western Union line waiting to pick up cash from home. And so I said, “I can help you with a place to stay and hot meals every day,” and he asked, “What do you want for it,” and I said, “Why, nothing whatsoever, my down and out fellow American, except your friendship,” and he asked, “Why are you doing this,” and I said, jokingly of course, “Oh, I just like picking up strays…” But I never thought he would take that as an insult and that years later Stephan, for that is his name, would repay my generosity by stabbing me in the back, making fun of me on a website, and so I –’ (Ferret cuts off reading)
Hey, Davies, heh, heh, this isn’t a parody. Don’t you know what a parody is?
I do indeed.
No, heh-heh, no, no, no you don’t, because if you did, heh, then you’d realize you shouldn’t be calling him Stephan but something else that would make who you’re referring to recognizable without naming him directly.
Well, let’s call him Stanley then.
No, heh, heh, heh, heh, no, no! It has to be something like Steve. But the problem’s worse than that. A parody should make fun of the person and the situation. Here, you seem to be telling the truth and crying about it, you –
Oh, and you don’t think my saying he had hair then, implying he doesn’t now, while I still have mine, and I’m almost 30 years older than him, is –
Heh, heh, no, no! I can’t use this! I can’t use it! You’re fired!
Well, then, let me just warn you: In response to every media outlet in this town that’s fired me, be they print or web, I’ve launched a retaliatory website, and I’m going to do the same with you! That’ll make four by now, including against the Kyiv Poster, or maybe five; I’ve lost count. No matter. And then I’ll –
Yeah, heh, that’s very interesting Davies, heh-heh. Goodbye. Don’t call me; I’ll call you (hangs up). Heh, heh, heh-heh-heh…
Ring, ring, ring…
Heh-heh, hello.
Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Jim Hitchkick. The Philosophy PhD? Um, I’m a writer, and I used to head the now defunct weekly magazine, the Eastern Economizer? Um, I was wondering if you got around to reading my parody piece for your new website.
Ah, heh-heh, no, let me do that right now and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.
Uh, okay. Thanks. And there’s especially the part where I – (Ferret hangs up).
Heh-heh-heh. Let’s see. Here’s his cover letter:
‘Dear Mr. Ferret, I have always considered myself a writer, even a great one, but circumstances in this cutthroat manipulative, PR-ish, image-hyped, media-doped world of phonies, drunks, two-bit con artists, third-rate hacks and shameless mountebanks’ –
Wow, heh, what’s that word mean? He must be really smart. A philosophy major. I think Plato invented parody, heh, heh, heh, and so he says –
‘I feel I never got the chance to realize my full potential as a writer, and I strongly think that your new website, Kyiv Unread, will be the perfect vehicle for me to finally achieve my lifelong goal of becoming a writer in the highest sense of that word.’
Yeah, yeah, heh-heh, that’s good. I think he’ll work out. Now I’ll read his parody piece:
‘The people of this country are really great – they’re intelligent, hard-working, and honest – and the women are really beautiful – but it’s the bloodthirsty former communists and the money-hungry oligarchs who are holding them back from realizing their full potential – as a people, and as a nation. The first thing we have to look at to even begin understanding the problem before trying to solve it is –’ (cuts off reading).
No, no, no, nooooo…!!! Heh-heh, heh-heh, heeeeeeh, heeeeeh, heeeeeh, HEEEEEEEHH…!!! What am I supposed to do?! Heh, who can I turn to? Who is mean-spirited and vicious enough, has a chip on his shoulder and an ax to grind, a journalistic background, knows something about writing, and understands what satire, farce, and parody are, and… Oh, heh, I think I have the answer… But do I dare? Yeah, yeah. Is it, could it be… heh-heh-heh… Andrew Plumb?!
More to come.
Filed by Jack Step, March 13, 2013