But, predictably, is freaked out by transmogrified images
WL: Nyug – I think I’ll just sit here in the comfort of my own work-study-writing den and watch myself on YouTube – nyaa-a-a-ggg.
It’s pretty amazing of me, if I don’t say so myself, that I’ve thought of promoting my new Welsh Losser Media School through YouTube! Using Facebook and other super-modern web-powered emailing options just don’t do it no more. Nyuk nyuk nyaaa…
Though complex and legally baseless, the Ukrainian licensing and certification system is actually pretty easy to manipulate – nyaaarumpha! In fact, soon my school is going to be awarded an official charter and upgraded to a college! Nyooooo… Okay, here’s the first one… Ah, 17 hits already, most of them likes! Ny-ny-ny-ny… Aaaaannd – roll ‘em! Nyug-aaa…
YouTube Video: Hello. My name is Welsh Losser. You may have heard of me. I’m a pretty well-known communications, PR, and media expert in Central and Eastern Europe, being based in Ukraine and its wonderful capital, Kyiv, which I’ve found to be the optimal location for developing sophisticated media and business promotion techniques among executives in these exciting and growing sectors and disseminating my valuable knowledge region-wide.
In addition to my many corporate executive achievements, I also have an obsessively active artistic side, writing books, both fiction and non-fiction, as well as screenwriting movies, which has greatly enhanced my role as a part-time psychological motivation coach for actors just starting out.
WL: Darn. I should have said I played bit roles in Hollywood? Forgot about that. Nya-a-aaa…
YouTube Video: Now, for over the last decade, from my headquarters here in Ukraine, I’ve been leading major training programs in media and PR technologies not only in Central and Eastern Europe, but also throughout a large part of the former Soviet Union, including Russia, with a growing audience also in major Middle Eastern locales, like Turkey.
WL: (fast-forwarding the video) Yeah, yeah – come on, Welsh, get to the good part – nyug-yunk. Okay, here it is:
YouTube Video: (continues from forwarded part) Media Module 1: Empower Yourself Through Resume Enhancement. That’s right. Never be shy about telling the truth about yourself in a different way. You’ll be surprised how many professional gains you can make if you simply take something you did in the past and then, instead of describing it in what we’ll here call the ‘usual way,’ you use the virtually unlimited arsenal at your disposal of creative reconstruction to get at the essence of your truly unique and valuable experience to really wow your potential employers and shut your detractors up for good.
WL: That’s right, Welsh; just like you did – nyug-hjaaarrr – now go on and give them the example!
YouTube Video: For example: Let’s say in college, where maybe you were a communications major, you helped a foreign student, let’s say a Chinese or an Indian, understand the full implications of the word ‘media’. So, for our purposes, what does that mean? It means that within the first few years after getting out of college, you can put on your resume that you worked as a tutor in your given field to make money to help pay for your tuition. Later, after a few more years have passed, you can freely start putting down that you were a teaching assistant, for indeed, you had helped a student in ways that your professors were unable to. And later still, say once you’ve already made a middle management position in a small ad agency, there should be absolutely nothing stopping you from writing that you were an adjunct professor…
WL: Nyuh, yonk, yuh, nyar… hey, what’s this?! What’s happening?! Something’s wrong!!!
On the video, Josh Davies replaces Losser. He looks back at Losser while seeming completely oblivious to him. In the video, Davies is moving back and forth in his seat, as though toward and away from the screen of his computer, self-satisfied, smiling, and typing away. Suddenly, he stops typing, and with self-confident old-man Southern-boy chutzpah, with a finger he lowers his granny glasses onto the bridge of his nose, and looking over them at Losser out of the video, says:
So, Welsh, my boy… what other career-enhancing tricks do you have up your sleeve? Has repeating something enough times about yourself helped make it true? That technique’s as old as the hills – and I know – because before those hills were, I was…
WL: No, no… what is this?! Nyuk. Josh Davies, Josh Davies – this can’t be! No, no, nooooo – it’s an illusion – an illusion, I tell you. Here, nye, let me try another version of the same video. Nyug-gnya – hey, this one has even more hits – 24, ooo-hoo, ooo-hoo…
Other YouTube Video: Media Module 2. Just Say What You Are, and That’s Who You Are. Now, what do I mean by that?
WL: Aaahh, that’s better. What a relief. I bet I’m just overtired from working so hard. Echt, I guess it happens sometimes, nyoog – your mind plays tricks on you. But, whew! What a scare! Dear Mother of God, never again! Have that drink, Welsh, and enjoy the show – nyug-nyaaa…
Other YouTube Video: Well, for argument’s sake, let’s just say you decided to go to law school, and you actually made it into one. But let’s also say, after a couple of classes, it didn’t hold your interest, or you simply saw you weren’t exactly going to… finish… and yet you had expended the time, money, and effort – all to further your career. Well, all that need not be lost…
Suddenly, the video blinks out and there’s Josh Davies, in a ranch-style house built after World War II in an architectural style inspired by Frank Lloyd Wright. Davies is mixing himself a drink while his faithful horse gazes at him lovingly through the window.
Davies’s face begins to take on clown-like features. Suddenly, he’s riding a unicycle with a balancing beam across a tightrope against the backdrop of a cardboard crescent moon with a demonic smile. As he makes his way across the rope, he turns to Losser, for whom all this is happening way too fast, and says:
Yes, and we know where that one’s going, don’t we, my boy? Under the scenario, giving legal advice is the equivalent of being a lawyer, and it wouldn’t be unethical or stretching the truth in the least writing that on your CV. And what will you tell them next – that you’re a writer???!!!
WL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH…!!!
Filed by Jack Step, March 27, 2013