Kyiv Poster’s Dick Reising suffers crisis of conscience
Thought: Do I really like Styx, Cheap Trick and The Bay City Rollers enough to hold on to their albums. I don’t even have a turntable. What about The Bee Gees? And ABBA? There’s something really timeless about “Dancing Queen.” Well, if it’s that important to me, the next time I’m in the States, I’ll just get the CDs. Peter Frampton? – I don’t think so. But there’s no way I’m getting rid of KISS, man! Gene Simmons rules!!! And Van Halen still rocks, even after all these years. ‘Hey, you might as well JUMP, yeah, yeah, hey just go ahead there and JU-UMP!’ Whew! That’s really rockin’, bro! Rock on, rock-o-mania – yeeeeeaaahh!!! Damn, those Sex Pistols ruined it for everyone.
Editorial Draft: It was gratifying to get the several hundred subscribers to our pay-wall-blocked Internet version of the Kyiv Poster. Now we know who our friends are. Although we had better get several thousand, if all of those people trying to read us for free don’t want to see the World Window Through Ukraine, this country’s only leading English-language newspaper for nearly 20 years running, disappear from the face of the Earth. Those people should know what’s good for them. They undoubtedly realize that without the Kyiv Poster, they won’t know squat about what’s going on in Ukraine in English. Seeing who subscribed to our news site, now we know our true friends. Because all those so-called readers of the print version in Kyiv are still sneaking around restaurants, like the Love & Hate network of mid- to low-brow eateries, which carry the Poster on the outdated stands that stick out like sore thumbs as you walk in, picking up a copy every week for free, and we will soon discontinue free distribution citywide, which costs us loads of money, to force people to buy the paper at a newsstand, if they want it so damn much. It’s because of them that we’ve just gone down permanently to half our size, from when the Poster was at its commercial height, just before I took over as chief editor. But no sooner than I took over and the worldwide financial crisis hit. That, together with readers who don’t want to pay for our topnotch Western-standard journalism and outstanding news reporting, have kept us from getting off our knees, nearly six years later – which is also one-third the lifetime of this paper. We’re not getting any more handouts from our wealthy publisher. We need the money to survive. From now on, it’s up to us. We can do it together – with our friends! If the formula worked before, it will work again, and we shall be victorious – at all costs! Because we have friends.
Thought: I think I’ll go to the bathroom and jerk off again. That Tatyana I hired is really hot. Maybe I’ll call her over here first so that I can, as though, show her a few things about her writing, but then shift position in my chair in such a way that she sees the boner in my pants. What’s she going to do about it? I just hired her. She needs the job. She’s not going to do a damn thing, that’s what. I think it will turn her on. It’s called power. And then I’ll offer that she go to Sri Lanka so that she can write an 800-word article about her experiences in the Poster. I like it when our teenage employees travel all over the world and then come back and tell our readers what it’s all about – there’s something about a young chick talking with authority that turns me on. Of course, I’ll help her. It will only be at the last minute that she finds out I’m going there too – but then it will be too late.
Editorial Draft: We here at the Kyiv Poster believe criminalizing libel and slander is equivalent to murdering freedom of the press and speech, which an objective, independent newspaper, like the Kyiv Poster, needs to thrive – much more than advertising revenues. However, while the Kyiv Poster is fiercely against any curtailment of these freedoms by lawsuits brought by parties named in papers like the Kyiv Poster who didn’t like what was said about them, we believe that for every great rule there should be a great exception. Lately, the Kyiv Poster and its employees have been under relentless libelous attack by another publication, Kyiv Unedited, and we believe that beacons, heralds, and protectors of free speech, like ourselves, should be able to criminally sue any other institution, be they a publication or individual, that chooses to attack someone like us. It’s not fair. Here we are trying to protect free speech, only to turn around and have someone attacking us, purportedly using their right to that very freedom, but really only venting their hatred, spite, and hostility, which is not the same as free speech. It’s hate speech. In America, the birthplace of freedom, it’s against the law. We mean, there should be a rule to protect free-speech protectors if they are attacked by attackers purportedly using their freedom of speech to attack, but really, they are only using it to, um… attack.
Thought: Damn. Gotta do that one over.
Editorial Draft: Subscribe to the Kyiv Poster. Also, let us know of any money-making events we can cover or be part of in such a way that we can make money. We do conferences. Buy our ad space. Now that we’re down to only 16 pages, the ad you put in is bound to look big in comparison to the paper’s miniature size, and get noticed like never before!!! We also offer editing services from our highly qualified team of writing and editing professionals for your company’s confidential documents, for which our non-disclosure of their contents is guaranteed. In other words, we won’t ask you questions about what’s in them for our news stories – and that’s a promise! Nor will we go blabbing the information around in bars. After all, it’s not what you say that’s important, but how you say it.
Thought: I’m really glad I fired The Ferret. If it came down to me and Boss Lard, who would the publisher fire? I’m the one who writes the news. But they could find another chief editor, if they really wanted to. No, no, no, nooooo!!! Damn, that Kate Mustard is ugly. What would I do without a job? Where would I go on vacation? Would I have to leave Ukraine? How is that possible? And leave all this??? Would I be able to find another job here? Doing what? Who would I turn to – Welsh Losser? There’s What’s Out magazine? But would they need me? What would I do there? I can’t stand the thought of working for Sweaty T-Shirt. And that’s ALL she wrote! There are no other publications! Kyiv Unedited??? Come on!!! What kind of blazing madhouse Hell is this?!?!?! O, God, o, God… At my age, what would I do in the States if I had to go back? Let’s be honest – I wouldn’t be able to go out with girls 40 years younger than me! Oh, please don’t shut the Poster down – pleeeaaassse!!!
Filed by Jack Step, April 8, 2013