By Martin RatshitCaveitch (Shitcave@Kyivposter.com)
With malicious last-minute editorial comments inserted by chief editor Bret Boner
In the down and dirty world of small-and-medium-sized business, Ukraine takes the top spot for spoiling the plans of foreigners who want to make a lot of money here, fast. The World Bank, other important international organizations, plus a recent sitting of the European Association’s Captains of Industry Club, all said that Ukraine sucks as a place to invest.
They were referring to an annual report published every year called, “They Don’t Know How to Do Business.” And the NGO that compiled the report ought to know, or so the Kyiv Poster was told by an anonymous source.
Ranked 199th out of a bunch of countries that aren’t listed here, Ukraine’s in serious trouble because it’s really corrupt, requires all kinds of paperwork and promotes a culture that makes life difficult for people who don’t even want to know that culture. Yet all this nasty, non- transparent, non-foreigner-friendly stuff wasn’t enough to scare away 40-something-year-old Steve Steven SlimBut from New Hampshire, whom the Kyiv Poster caught up with in Odessa.
[Boner: SlimBut never explained what he was really doing in Odessa]
“The main thing is to keep a positive attitude, dig deep within yourself to try and be something that you aren’t, but still act like you’re having fun and smile a lot even when there’s nothing to smile about, so that other people, particularly in Ukraine, think that you’re confident and cool, like someone from a pop music video,” Steve told me over an oversized pizza that I ate most of.
[Boner: The Poster is tough on journos taking freebees, but because some of our readers won’t pay for a subscription, this is what happens]
And Steve isn’t just saying this to promote his trendy, bachelor-man abroad business in Ukraine, using the Kyiv Poster without paying for an ad. He’s a doer. “Ok, even though it has nothing to do with this article of yours, let me say that I ran 20 km this morning in Odessa, windsurf in between Russian warships on weekends and do tummy crunches before and after lunch,” he told me before paying for that oversized pizza with a credit card.
[Boner: Hmm, the Poster doesn’t pay for that kind of shit]
And Steve’s business just happens to be one that targets some of the Kyiv Poster’s readership and, by a fortunate but unforeseen happenstance, it’s about to open its doors in a couple of weeks. “I call it Pussy Petite, a couple of apartments that I got a long-term lease on and then renovated on the cheap into a mini-hotel to give the impression that I created something new, upscale and hip.”
[Boner: Only a middle-aged sexpat would go to a place like that]
But, as our readers are well aware, those corrupt and venal Ukrainian authorities just couldn’t let Steve open his mini-hotel without lots of cumbersome permits, licenses and other bureaucratic requirements that kept him from windsurfing between Russian warships on the weekend, and which everyone knows are simply not required in the West, according to the same anonymous source mentioned above. “Like, I was thinking: help me, don’t fight me. I’m from New Hampshire and I want to add another tourist trap to your city, even though the place is full of cool historical apartments which anyone with half a brain and access to the Internet can rent on a daily basis for quite reasonable rates,” Steve tells of his experience with Odessa regulatory officials.
“I wanted to remake this place, man, but they wouldn’t let me,” he says, as I make my move for that last slice of tomato and cheese-covered pizza, while Steve pretends not to notice.
[Boner: Ok, we get the point, crybaby. I write the scathing editorials for this paper, after all]
SlimBut originally came to Ukraine on a holiday in 2005, overlooking all the other pleasant and service-oriented places abroad where a cash-rich American investor could easily vacation, often for cheaper than what it would cost to visit Ukraine.
“I just fell in love with the shitty weather, ugly Soviet architecture and big-titted Ukrainian waitresses who I just knew could be bought for a couple of gin tonics and a line of bullshit about how cool it is in New Hampshire.”
[Boner: I knew it!]
So Steve sold his beautiful home somewhere and quit his six-figure job as a top executive for a non-specified but high-profile mega-corporation to move to Kyiv, where he had no job prospects and had to rent an overpriced flat.
At first, Steve found it difficult to adjust, not being able to get laid as much as he thought he would, and finding it hard to convince Ukrainians, much less long-time and embittered expats, that he was really a cash-flush and trendy American entrepreneur. “I tried my hand at teaching English – just for the existential experience, of course – then made several millions of dollars on a number of shrewd real estate deals in Kyiv, which I cannot provide any details on, finally moving to a dump in Odessa which has now become my mini-hotel, the Petit Pussy.”
[Boner: SlimBut fails to mention here that he applied for an editing job at the Poster, but didn’t get it because I saw right away that he wasn’t a real journalist]
But there were also the bad times, Steve acknowledges. “You know, it’s bad enough that the powers that be in this country didn’t appreciate the casually cash-rich American image I tried to portray by showing up for business meetings in the same t-shirt and jeans you see included in this article, but they even stole my mini-hotel idea, and anyone who goes anywhere in Ukraine and stays in a mini-hotel can easily see it.”
[Boner: But our readers aren’t going to see the address and telephone number of your hotel, SlimBut, because I deleted them from the article, because you didn’t buy an ad, the way you promised fat ass]
Filed by Dirk Dickerson, April 8, 2013