Intercepted un-bowdlerized from What’s Off magazine
Pull quote: “I left the Kyiv Poster on principle and very much on my own terms…”
What’s Off Chief Editor Lava Encole: So, uh, Brent Boner, is it? Formerly the CE of Ukraine’s leading English-language information source, the Kyiv Post-It…
Brent Boner: Ah, yes, yes it is. Except that’s Poster.
Oh, sorry – Brent Poster…
No, no, no, you dumb bi… My name is Boner. I mean the paper – it’s called the Poster, that’s the Kyiv Poster.
Isn’t that what I just said?
No, you said Post-It, like in post-it note.
No I didn’t. I said Poster. And were you about to call me a dumb bitch?
No. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lava. I have every respect for you. I would never in my worst nightmares call you or any woman for that matter, having way too much respect for them, anything of the sort. Dumb b… dumb b…: Why, I can’t even get those words past my lips. Ha ha ha… You must have heard do be.
Do be what? That doesn’t sound too literary or grammatical, Brent, considering you were such a big editor here in Kyiv.
Oh, do be… ha ha ha – I say it all the time. It’s a small verbal tic of mine; perceptive people like yourself catch it now and again, call me on it, throw me off guard, off track, off sides – ha ha ha… no need to make it a source of misunderstanding between us; you simply misheard me, that’s all. You know – do be this and do be that and do be do be do – ha ha ha…
Um, aaahh, yeah… so, ah, Brent, the word out there is that you were fired. What do you have to say to that?
I say that’s a bunch of hokum scared up by my natural enemies on the print media market who are against freedom of speech, including within the Kyiv Poster itself. You see, freedom of speech, talking about it, writing about it, practicing it, mentioning it at every turn – that’s the only way to make ad revenues in the serious press business. Fired? Oh, no, no, no, no… I left the Kyiv Poster on principle and very much on my own terms.
Well, good for you, Brent Poster. I guess we probably practice freedom of speech here at What’s Off magazine, because we make really good money off ad revenues, not to mention countless free meals we get at the most expensive restaurants in town and many other perks. Except that we don’t talk about free speech all the time. Based on your experience, Brent, do you think that’s good?
Yes, yes, I think that’s great. You see, your magazine proves my point. You don’t have to mention freedom of speech all the time because you’re largely an entertainment publication, so your freedom is already heavily implicated, ah, I mean implied – ha ha ha…
Yey-hurray! That just makes me goose pimply all over! So, now that you’re out of the Post-It, Brent, how does the print media situation look like to you here in Ukraine? Will freedom of the press survive?
No – no it won’t. With me out of the Poster, it’s going to die one miserable, writhing death. Things were bad enough, with me trying to single-handedly stave off the monsters, but now with me out – I don’t know – there are no words for it – things are dire, very, very desperate, and I’m afraid they are ultimately hopeless.
Ooo, that sounds really Orwellian and scary, Brent. We here at What’s Off are going to do everything in our powers to fight off the bogeymen to defend our turf and hold on to our free speech no matter what!
I wish you the best of luck, but I’m afraid without me here, you’re –
That’s really interesting, and so, Brent, will you be going back to Iowa?
Yeah, I’ll go back to Idaho, but then I’ll be back here – soon – gonna start my own paper!
Great! I heard about your album collection. What are you going to do about that?
Oh, yes, I don’t know what compelled me to bring all those vinyl LPs over here – boxes and boxes of them. Crazy, I tell you, just absolutely whacky! In the five years I’ve been here I never bothered trying to find a turntable or asking a studio to convert them to CDs. So I have these hundreds of albums I never listened to – here, that is. My God, there’s ELO, which, if you know your music, stands for the Electric Light Orchestra, and then there’s REO Speedwagon, but I never did find out what the REO stands for – even with Wikipedia – HA HA HAAA!!! Oh, and then there’s Ted Nugent – ‘You give me cat-scratch fever, da-da-da-dun, that’s cat-scratch fever, da-da-da-DUN!!!’ Wooo!
Hey, that’s really cool, Brent, you’re a really rockin’ guy!
Yeah, thanks, I know, it’s one of my little secrets. I’ve got many of them – things that make me unique and quite special. So, it seems that you like me, so, maybe you have a job for me…
What about your Media Man costume?
Oh, that – it’s going up for auction. Let ‘em have it.
And what about Fem Girls?
I really hate that Genny Gutsall bitch! I’m going to murder her ass.
Brent, do you realize what you’re saying? That’s that leader of the Fem Girls topless protesters – a public figure and an icon of feminist issues in Ukraine and by now even throughout the world. This is really upsetting. You’re talking about –
I know what I’m talking about, you uppity little chicky. And don’t you know – she’s not a lead protester at all. She’s an insect.
Brent, I don’t know if you’re joking or –
She’s an insect I tell you, a man-sized insect – that topless veneer is just her exoskeleton – on the inside she’s just a bunch of oozing green goo. When you’re not looking, she’s got these antennas that come out of her head and then her six legs break through her body and those sideways claws come ripping through her cheeks and she goes, ‘eee-oo-uur-eee-klikaklikaklika-eee-aaa-ooorrrg-klika-klika – so I’m going to fucking splatter the wall of the Kyiv Administration Building with that –
Sweaty Tank Top: You fookin’ no guid –
Lava Encole: Sweaty!
Ayse, Lava, I’ll a-hanlle thees innerview na. Ya dunna haveta tolerin’ thees demented creep’s sheet na moor. An’ noo Auy’m gang ta…
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh…!!!
Kate Mustard: It’s unbelievable – Sweaty Tank Top, the kilted, red-faced, blue-nosed boozer publisher of What’s Off, is splattering Brent Boner all across the Kyiv Administration Building! Stay tuned for more!
Filed by Jack Step, June 29, 2013