The fish is highly pleased, but…
In the reception area, before bursting unannounced into Lard’s office…
Losser: Say, isn’t that a doglike man sitting there reading the Kyiv Poster?
Ferret: Dude – I told you; someone came up here on a visit and left their dog tied to a chair.
Man-Dog: (snickering) Khe-khe-khe-khe…
Losser: (bursting into Lard’s office) Well, nyug, this is it!
The Ferret somehow manages to get in ahead of him: Heh-heh-heh…
Lard: Say, what’s this all about, Welsh? Where’s your appointment.
Losser: (pointing a small glass jar uncertainly at Lard) There’s no time for appointments, Lard. Give us your ego.
Lard: Whoa! Say what, boy? My ego???
Losser: You heard me. Give it up! Nice and easy, now. Don’t force me to use any rough stuff, see…
Ferret: Yeah, heh, give it up, give it up – heh-heh-heh…
Lard: Losser, boy, you couldn’t handle my ego if I served it to you on a platter. Har-haw-hooo!!!
Losser: Okay, boys, you heard him!
Two massive black-furred pointy-tailed demons seething in the stench of rotten eggs and sulfur come crawling out of the woodwork. One wrenches Lard’s arms behind his back, while the other starts pummeling the CEO in his solar plexus.
Lard: Uuugh, uuugh, aaagh…!!!
Heinrich: Boris, he won’t give it up; punch him harder!
Boris: I’m punching hard as I can! He’s really stubborn!
Lard: Uuugh, uuugh, aaagh…!!!
Man-Dog: (looking in) Khe-khe-khe…
Heinrich: Okay, hold on – I’ve got an idea. Get a plastic basin and hold it under his mouth.
Boris whips out a large tub from between his legs and does as Heinrich says. Heinrich joins his fists around Lard’s gut, pumping them into it:
Heinrich: One, two, three…
Lard: UUUUUGGGHHH…!!!
Boris: There it goes!!!
Heinrich: Yeah, I knew it would work – it’s called the Heinrich maneuver…
Boris: (as Lard’s ego pours out of his mouth into the tub) O, my God!!!
Heinrich: Hey, you’re going to burn in Hell for that!
Both laugh: Ha ha haw har haaaaawww…!!!
Boris: Look at the size of that thing! It’s really bloated!
Heinrich: Yeah, it’s bigger than our two penises put together. It looks scared, but defiant. Hey there, little guy… aren’t we cute? Aaaww, don’t worry, you’re with Uncles Boris and Heinrich now – you’ll be all right – we’ll be taking a little trip soon – up to the Baltic Sea – Haha-ha-haaaaa…!!!
Losser: (throwing the small glass jar off to the side) Hey, nyooguys, how the heck am I supposed to get that thing back up to Jurmala?
Ferret: Yeah, yeah, how – heh, heh…
Heinrich: Don’t worry – we’ll seal it in a large fish tank and transport it there for you. All you’ll have to do is call out the big fish and when it sees Lard’s ego, that Script should be as good as yours.
Welsh Losser and The Ferret hightail it back to Jurmala, knowing the demons will be getting there before them, with the man-dog in hot pursuit.
Still alive, a blanched and emaciated Boss Lard has fallen into his reclining chair, from which he stares up at the ceiling, blubbering.
Back in Jurmala:
Losser: O, Great Red Herring! We have done as you’ve asked. We have brought you the ego of Boss Lard!
Ferret: Yeah, yeah, we brought the ego – heh, heh-heh-heh…
The Great Red Herring rises from the sea.
Fish: So, you’ve brought back the ego, have you? He coughed it up for you, did he?
Losser: Yes, Great Red Herring, in a manner of speaking. Kliclick, ha, nyuga…
Fish: Hmmm, hmmm…
The Great Red Herring comes up out of the water and onto the shore. Standing on his hind fins, he towers, Gulliver-like, over The Ferret and Losser, making them look like Vlad Lemurov’s Kyiv Poster live action dollhouse figures (still held hostage by Josh Davies). The fish lifts the fish tank and empties Boss Lard’s ego into his mouth, the way you or I might suck out an oyster shell. Throwing aside the fish tank, which crashes and shatters on the beach, he turns his back on The Ferret and Losser and begins making his way back into the sea.
Losser: B-b-b-but, O, Great Red Herring – The Script, The Script… you promised!
Ferret: Yeah, heh-heh, The Script…
Fish: Oh… um…
The fish turns around again and, crouching directly over The Ferret and Losser, takes a massive dump, burying them up to their necks in fish shit, after which he turns around again and disappears into the sea.
Losser: Well, that’s the last time I’m ever listening to Boss Lard again…
Ferret: Oh, yeah, heh, really brave words, after you’ve taken his ego and fed it to a fish – yeah, yeah, heh, heh, heh…
Man-Dog: Khe-khe-khe-khe…
Filed by Jack Step, July 22, 2013