Jack Step and Dirk Dickerson doggedly wait… for Mack
Jack: Do you think he’ll come?
Dirk: He said he would.
Jack: But it’s not certain.
Dirk: I didn’t say that.
Jack: What did you say?
Dirk: Nothing.
Jack: Nothing?
Dirk: What are you driving at?
Jack: I don’t know. What are you trying to prove?
Dirk: You a tough guy, or something?
Jack: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
Dirk: Maybe you want to put that to the test – instead of flapping your gums.
Jack: Maybe I do. Let’s step outside.
Dirk: Okay, Jacky, let’s.
Neither moves.
Jack: So what’s this about, Dirk?
Dirk: You know as much as I do, Jack.
Jack: Maybe he’s going to offer us some kind of deal.
Dirk: Mack don’t offer no deals.
Jack: Well, maybe he’s going to set up some kind of new arrangement.
Dirk: Mack ain’t no florist – he don’t do arrangements.
Jack: What’s he do, then?
Dirk: That’s for him to know and us to find out.
Jack: What are you – a wiseacre or something?
Dirk: Yeah, maybe I am. You fixin’ to do somethin’ about it?
Jack: Yeah, let’s step outside.
Dirk: Okay, Jacky, let’s.
Neither moves.
Jack: Boy, are my dogs tired.
Dirk: You haven’t been out of this office for a week – how can they be tired?
Jack: Who’s tired?
Dirk: You just said your dogs are tired.
Jack: I don’t know what you’re talking about. You tryin’ to make me look stupid?
Dirk: I don’t have to try.
Jack: Let’s step outside.
Dirk: Do you think he’s going to come?
Jack: Who?
Dirk: Mack.
Jack: Oh.
Dirk: Oh, what?
Jack: Dog gone it.
Dirk: There you go again.
Jack: There I go again, what?
Dirk: Nothin’. Let’s wait and see where we stand. It’s better that way.
Jack: And take it or leave it, depending on what he has to offer.
Dirk: Who?
Jack: What do you mean, who? Mack.
Dirk: You don’t have to tell me – I know. Because he didn’t promise anything.
Jack: Because we made no requests. He sets the prerogatives. Otherwise, why would he come?
Dirk: If he comes.
Jack: If he doesn’t come, what are we waiting for?
Dirk: Mack, in case he comes.
Jack: Who?
Dirk: Mack.
Jack: Oh. Because he has to think it over before he makes a decision.
Dirk: What decision?
Jack: I don’t know.
Dirk: Third base.
Jack: Let’s step outside.
Dirk: So what do we do?
Jack: Let’s go.
Dirk: Yeah, let’s.
They don’t move.
Jack: We’re in our dog years.
Dirk: Shut the hell up.
Jack: You a tough guy or something?
Dirk: Maybe I am. You gonna do somethin’ about it?
Jack: Step outside.
They’re about to step outside when they hear a small motorized vehicle pull up to their office. There’s a knock on the heavy wooden door with the smoked wavy glass. Before the occupants answer, a skinny pimply-faced kid in a red message delivery jacket and bowtie opens the door and, holding a clipboard in one hand and a square envelope in the other, walks straight toward them with a confidence that belies his weakling and gangly appearance.
Kid: Telegram for Jerk Step and Dork Dickerson…
Jack and Dirk: Uh, that’s us.
Kid: Here you go (shoves the envelope at them). Just sign right here (thrusts the clipboard at them with a checklist on it and a ballpoint pen attached to it on a piece of string. Jack Step barely has a chance to make a mark when the kid pulls the clipboard away). Say, thanks, you two dopes. Don’t let the door hit you in the mug on my way out. See you in Casablanca! (The kid walks fast toward the door).
Jack: Hey, kid…
Kid: Don’t bug me – what’d’ya want?
Jack: How did you get that scooter up into the building?
Kid: Trade secret – none of your damn business (he hops on the scooter, revs it tauntingly, sending billows of exhaust into the office, and screeches away, disappearing, leaving skid marks across the classic checker-tiled art-deco hallway floor).
Dirk: Well, what’s the message say?
Jack: It says: He’s not coming today – maybe tomorrow.
Dirk: Who’s he?
Jack: Mack.
Dirk: How do you know?
Jack: Who else have we been waiting for?
Dirk: Who?
Jack: Mack.
Dirk: Is that how it reads?
Jack: Is that how what reads?
Dirk: The message.
Jack: What about it?
Dirk: Did you paraphrase it, or is it written in third person?
Jack: I read it the way he wrote it.
Dirk: Who?
Jack: Mack.
Dirk: How do you know he wrote it?
Jack: Because we’ve been waiting for him, not someone else.
Dirk: Maybe someone else wrote it for him.
Jack: Maybe.
Dirk: Then how do you know it’s true?
Jack: How do we know anything’s true?
Dirk: So he might come today.
Jack: Or tomorrow.
Dirk: If we go, he might come, but if we stay…
Jack: He might not.
Dirk: So what do we do?
Jack: We stay.
Dirk: Let’s go.
They don’t move.
Jack: It’s been a dog-day afternoon – the tail wagging the dog – a dog-eat-dog world.
Dirk: Stop it! Shut up!
Jack: But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday –
Dirk: Cut it out! No!
Jack: – out in the midday, out in the midday sun!
Dirk: Okay, Step, step outside. You’ve been making canine metaphors with dogged determination, and it’s made me dog tired. Uh-oh… It’s really rough… I said, it’s really rough, that’s rrrrruuuff… ruff-ruff-ruff…
Jack: Bow-wow! Woof, woof, woof…
Filed by Milk Bone, July 27, 2013 (khe-khe-khe-khe…)