These things happen. Let’s try to hold on to a little dignity, shall we?
INTERVIEW 1
All-Ukrainian State Interview Authority of Ukraine (IA): Moe – are you stupid?
Moe Zaire: No. Because I made like a billion dollars. Can you call anyone stupid who’s made that much money? How much money do you have?
IA: Where do you live?
MZ: In a tree.
IA: Is that like a metaphor for a big house.
MZ: No – it’s a tree.
IA: Oh, do you mean a tree house?
MZ: No, a real tree, it’s really big, and there’s enough room in it for me, and I’m not telling you where.
IA: I think you’re hurting the tree.
MZ: How do you know how the tree feels? I demand you strike that comment from this interview.
IA: Well, you can theoretically not have your comments published if you say beforehand it’s okay for us to say we interviewed you on condition we don’t publish your comments, or, you can have your comments published if you say it’s on condition we don’t give your name, but there’s no way you can stop us from publishing our own comments, or not publishing them on condition that we give our name, or not giving our name on condition that we publish the comments. Goes to show how much you know about media.
MZ: I know enough.
IA: Nah, I don’t think so.
MZ: Do so.
IA: Not.
MZ: Ye-ah…
IA: Then why did you rehire Bret Boner as Chief Editor of the Kyiv Poster after five years of him bringing you no revenues, saying nothing of profits, but only costing you money?
MZ: Because Boner was right. I’m absolutely convinced that in terms of future earnings, talking non-stop about freedom of speech is the way to go. But it’s a long, slow, hard road and battle. I realize that now and that I’d made a mistake not giving Boner a full chance to achieve his long-term goal for the paper. I can see that giving him a mere five years was like playing a cruel joke.
IA: Sounds like somebody’s scared of something.
MZ: What’s that supposed to mean?
IA: Nothing. And what’s Boss Lard up to?
MZ: Well, he’s not Boss anymore. I have him come in once a week to clean my office.
IA: And why did you make that young boy, Jay Paruziggy, who became chief editor after you fired Boner, your new CEO? He’s got no experience.
MZ: Better an inexperienced Jew than a moldy long-winded old redneck carpet-bagging hillbilly cowboy who’s tried to remake himself into a modern PR wonder using obsolete ideas at my expense.
IA: But why have a CEO at all?
MZ: Stupid question. So that he can liaison between the chief editor and me.
IA: But why can’t you simply deal with the chief editor directly?
MZ: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Intercepted by John Smith for Kyiv Unedited, August 23, 2013
INTERVIEW 2
Lava Encole, Chief Editor of What’s Off magazine, a Kyiv-based English-language entertainment weekly (LE): So, Bret, how did you manage to get your old job back as Chief Editor of the Kyiv Poster?
Bret Boner: It was planned. First, I got a job working for Hebrew International TV, based in Kyiv, and then I told Moe Zaire, who’s a Muslim, that I’d get the Jews to blow his cover wide open if he didn’t give me my job back.
LE: Blow his cover?
BB: Yeah, that was just a manner of speaking, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but anyone as rich as Zaire has got to have a cover of some sort.
LE: I see… So Zaire got scared.
BB: That’s right. He got real scared.
LE: Did you get a higher salary than before?
BB: Yeah, I’ll say. I also threatened Zaire with starting my own paper, and then I told him how much I’d be making, which would be at least double what I was making at the Kyiv Poster before I was fired, so he rehired me at double that amount.
LE: So you effectively quadrupled your original salary.
BB: That’s right. I also got him to remove Lard as CEO of the Kyiv Poster and install my former subordinate Jay Paruziggy in his place. Jay’s a Jew, and I get along with Jews really well.
LE: Are you a Jew?
BB: No. But I like them a lot. In a manner of speaking, I guess I might as well be. I think there are a lot of us who have some Jew in them.
LE: What about The Ferret?
BB: Case in point. I fired his ass. He’d never come clean – Jew, not a Jew. I had my suspicions he was lying every time he claimed to be a Ukrainian nationalist. Now, you tell me: What Jew in his right mind would ever choose Ukrainian nationalist as his cover? So, if he’s a Jew, he’s a bad one.
LE: Why did you demand Lard’s removal?
BB: One of the first things I’m doing is writing a centerfold expose on that fat-mouthed charlatan for the Poster – filling in all the dirt.
LE: Wow, you seem to really hold a grudge against him.
BB: It’s not a grudge – it’s just what he deserves. He shouldn’t have fired me. And then after that, I’m doing the same with Zaire.
LE: But Zaire’s your employer.
BB: It doesn’t matter. He shouldn’t have gone along with Lard’s move. He professes to believe in freedom of speech, so he has to realize that it isn’t meant to bring anyone any good – but to reveal the truth. He has to be willing to suffer the consequences of his choices. It’s what he deserves. And then I’m going after the Ukrainian fascists who beat me up and burned me in effigy on Independence Square after I got fired.
LE: Wow, you’re really vengeful. But I thought you said you weren’t fired, but left the Kyiv Poster on your own terms.
BB: Shut up, chicky.
LE: What did you say?
BB: I said you’re a dumb fucking bitch and I’m going to blow you and your little entertainment rag wide open. Talking about your marriage every chance you get in your stupid, vapid, insipid, banal, vacuous editorials every week – like I should be really just so fucking thrilled for you. That’s not freedom of speech! That’s subjecting readers to your egotistical caprice. You’re using your little two-bit glossy as the mouthpiece for your vanity, rubbing people’s noses in it. So go ahead, just try getting your sweaty publisher boy to beat me up again. You’re going down. I’m going to expose you for everything you are for the world to see. And then the Kyiv Poster is taking over your whole little operation.
LE: Oh, my!
BB: That’s right. And then I’m going after Zippy Zamazda… Duuuhh…
Filed by Jack Step, August 23, 2013