At Kyiv Poster, CEO J. Perfidsky shows CE B. Boner who’s boss
… How the hell can I concentrate on editing if I’m waiting for that damn phone call from Jakoff Perfidsky and he asks me to come up to his office – for whatever reason – to talk things over. What’s that mean, anyway, talk things over? What things? There’s never any set topic. I never know what to expect. Like he’s got nothing better to do; takes up my time, wastes it, like he’s doing it on purpose, running interference with my management of the newsroom… Big boss… big goddamn boss…
OOOHH!!! What’s this? An email from Perfidsky. Why didn’t he call?! Shit. Let’s see – he sent it over a half-hour ago. Now I’m going to hear about that! Shit, shit, shit… What’s he say? Come up to see me as soon as you can… Well, that’s not too clear. Heh, it’s his own fault. I’ll just tell him his email specifically said as soon as I could, and this is as soon as I could… yeah… yeah… let him try arguing around that one…
Ring, ring, ring…
Ah, uh, hello?
Boner!
Ye-yes…
When are you gonna come up here?! I sent you that message over an hour ago…
Well, no, now, wait a second, now, I see the time on it, and it’s been barely half an hour…
Boner, don’t tell me when I sent my own email – I’m well aware – even half an hour’s a long time to respond – for chrissakes, I’m only one floor above you. How hard could it be to get up here?
Okay, okay, be right there…
…goddamn it, goddamn it…
Boner in Perfidsky’s office.
Saaay, Brent! Good to see you! Go on and have a seat right there…
Oh, ah, uh, thanks, thanks… Good to see you too. I –
Yeah, hey, say, Brent, I thought that was a really good issue – that last one, that is.
Oh, really, oh, uh, thanks, I –
Yeah – any idea why? Any reason you can think of, in your professional opinion, that made it that way.
Well, no, I mean, I –
Because it’s good for business. It’s good for our readers, who are also our advertisers. And they’re also our clients for the raft of other services we’re now offering through the paper.
Oh, well, you know, the most important thing, I think, is freedom of –
Say, great weather, huh? Highly unusual for this time of year…
Oh, um, yes, it’s quite –
Well, okay, Brent, thanks for coming up. I know you’ve got a load of work to do, so I’ll just leave you to it, but I just wanted to call you up here to say good work and it’s the kind of thing we need and will be looking to build with every succeeding issue.
Well, uh, uh, you can count –
Boner back in the newsroom.
Ring, ring, ring…
What the…? Hello?
Aaahh, yeah, Brent… could you come up here for a minute?
Why, Jakoff? What’s this about? I was just up there. I’ve got all this work to do. Can’t you tell me over the phone? I was hoping to –
Well, you know, Brent, I need to be a little discreet about this, so if you could just come up for a minute, I’d highly appre –
Oh, all right.
Boner in Perfidsky’s office.
Say, you don’t need any help opening that door, do you, Brent?
No, uh, what do you mean? What’s this about, Jakoff?
Well, that’s just my point, Brent. I mean, don’t take any offense, or anything, but you seemed to be struggling with it coming in here, both this time and when you were up here before, and I simply wanted to –
Heh, huh, I was just off balance, that’s all.
Off balance? Twice? Now, don’t take offense Brent, but, well, you know, we all get a little older, and, well, I think maybe it’s a strength thing, Brent… I think maybe you don’t quite have –
What are you talking about?! What the… I… I…I…
Now, Brent, all I’m saying is, it’s okay if you need a little help, we don’t discriminate here, but maybe one of those electric chairs, help you zip around, you won’t have to get up on your feet so much, I’ll be the first to admit we’ve got these amazingly long halls, and for a guy who I’ve noticed is having a slightly tougher time walking, I mean, it’s in the budget, Brent, it’s no big deal, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, I mean, as you grow older, we’re willing to help you, at least for a while yet, Brent – I talked it over with Zaire and he says sure it’s okay…
Why, this, this is outra… how dare… what do you… what are you implying?! What, what the hell are you trying to –
All right, that’s okay, Brent. I’ll talk to Zaire a little more about the details.
Boner back in the newsroom.
… that son-of-a-bitch, that rotten, arrogant son-of-a-bitch…
Ring, ring, ring…
Ooohh… what the hell is it NOOOOOWWW!!!… Hello?!
Boner!!!
Uh, yes, what is –
Get your ass up here right the fuck now!!!
Oh, uh, ah…
Boner in Perfidsky’s office.
What kind of a front-page headline is this! “Frozen Ambitions”. Just what the FUCK kind of a stupid-ass headline is that, and what the fuck were you thinking???!!!
But I, I mean, I, the, but you said –
Boner! We brought you on to the paper again, because we trusted your news judgment, but what am I supposed to tell our readers, who are calling and sending me messages off the wall, asking what’s it all about, complaining about the sensationalized tabloid banality, the phoniness, the laziness, the insipidness, the vapidity, the vacuity of it all, laughing at it, deriding it, laughing at us, Boner, at us!!! How stupid it is, they’re saying – how stupid! So what am I supposed to tell them? Oh, sorry, it’s nothing, it’s just that our chief editor’s got his head up his ass, getting older, not as quick off the blocks, lost some of his marbles, not as sharp anymore, spends most of his time dreaming of Media Man, contemplating the age spots growing on his hands, or getting –
But, goddamn it! You just had me up here and you were praising the hell out of the issue, telling me what good work it was and to keep it up. Why didn’t you tell me this before, when I was here the first time? Why did it take you a third time calling me up here before you said this? You…
Because, Boner, and you’d better think hard about what I’m telling you, or start preparing for an early retirement – that simply won’t cut it anymore – it just doesn’t work!!! What am I supposed to tell all these people? Are we supposed to send them messages decoding your headlines? A headline, Boner, is supposed to have a noun and a verb, to tell people the most information about what’s going on in the least amount of words, using the most basic rules of grammar. A headline, Boner, is not supposed to be an adjective! It’s completely meaningless!!! Or can’t you get that through your thick, aging skull?!
Filed by Jack Step, for the Mild Revolutionary Inquisitor, New Epoch Ledger, Model 17H32d, Loose Binder Edition, December 17, 2013