Intermezzo, presented by the Prince Slav Dramatic Boys’ Troupe of Kyiv, His Majesty’s Regal Corporation of Apprentice Players and Chartered Courtiers
Kyiv Commix Intern: Say, are you Perry Kicker, great All-American football star from, ah, from… way back in the day, now working as a special insider correspondent for Kyiv Commix, an official subdivision of Kyiv Unedited, which is about to transform into a major holding company controlling a growing number of cutting-edge Internet media entertainment ventures and launch trade of its stock worldwide on the exchanges, first and foremost in New York?
Kicker: That’s me…
Kyiv Commix Intern: You mean, you really are Perry “Nine Yards” Kicker?!
Kicker: One and the same…
Kyiv Commix Intern: Wooooowww!!! Geeeee!!! What an honor!!! Can I have your… I mean, wow, uh, I can hardly believe this, Mr. Kicker!!! My father used to tell me stories when I was a boy about when HE was a boy, and HIS father used to take him to the old stadium in, ah, in… ah, to watch you play, and when the stadium was closed down for demolition, to make way for an 8-lane superhighway, low-income high-rise projects, and a shopping mall, then he’d take him to the old field at, you know, behind that public high school, where you were forced to temporarily play your games, before, you know, before –
Kicker: Yeah, yeah, well… it’s really, um, that’s really great that you…
Kyiv Commix Intern: Oh, you know, Mr. Kicker – that was a really funny story you wrote about Bret Boner, long-time chief editor of Ukraine’s Only Leading English-language Window Through the World, the Kyiv Poster. Are, um, are you, you know, going to continue? I mean, is it finished, or –
Kicker: Well, first of all, that’s Brent Boner, not Bret Boner, and –
Kyiv Commix Intern: Oh, uh, oh, oh, ah-ah, sorry, sorry… uuuuummm…
Kicker: Well, and anyway, whether it was funny or not, I don’t know – that’s not really the point; is it?
Kyiv Commix Intern: Well, ah, sorry, Mr. Kicker, uh, ah, I mean, I don’t know… um, I mean…
Kicker: I mean, the whole point of the story was to report the facts, without any of that funny-tasting salad dressing – know what I mean? Just the cold, hard-hitting facts, you know, tough, which is what this outfit at Kyiv Unedited is all about, the reason why I agreed to join – none of these self-centered cockeyed gonzo word portrayals, or any of those skewed characterizations or fancy-schmancy post-modern doodlings, or biased, one-sided, slanted, totally, AND I MEAN TOTALLY subjective, weak-kneed, wishy-washy, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, gutless, scaredy-catted, limp-wristed, namby-pamby, mouse-hearted mumbo jumbo, hackwork, and twaddle.
Kyiv Commix Intern: Oh, no, Mr. Kicker, I didn’t mean, I mean, I didn’t, I mean, gee, you know, that story was so good, looking at you, you really got me fooled.
Kicker: What do you mean?
Kyiv Commix Intern: Oh, well, ah, you just don’t look funny, the way the story reads. I mean, you don’t look as funny as the story sounds. No, what I’m trying to say is, looking at you, the story’s really funny, but you don’t look like the guy who might have written it, because looking at you, you don’t look funny, I mean, you don’t look like a funny guy, at least not THAT funny, or you don’t look like the kind of guy who’d write a funny story, so it’s a real surprise to see you, and then when somebody says, like, hey, he wrote that story, and you look at you and say, no, really, he doesn’t look that funny, or maybe, like, oh, really, I had somebody who looked totally different in mind after I read that story and when I look at you, I’m really surprised, because you don’t look like the person at all who would have written it.
Kicker: Well, that means either one of two things: A. Appearances are deceiving, or B. Deceptions have appeared.
The Kyiv Commix Intern is so disconcerted by this statement that he closes his mouth, bows his head, turns, and walks away. It will be hours, perhaps even days, before the two talk again.
Meanwhile, Kyiv Unedited’s Kyiv Commix Room bustles on…
Filed by Author Anonymous, December 15, 2015