Kyiv Poster publisher Moe Zaire slowly tears Boner a new arsehole at his leisure before getting to the meat of the problem
UP IN THE OFFICES OF MOE ZAIRE, SOUTHEAST ASIAN HALF-BILLIONAIRE AND KYIV POSTER PUBLISHER… [Ed. Note: After a number of years at the helm, after buying a failing Kyiv Poster from the paper’s loser former publisher, Seth Sundance, Moe Zaire STILL almost doesn’t know the first thing about the business, but at this point he is finally only starting to get the gist of it]
“DUUUUUUUHH!!!”
“Bryant, what the hell do you want?”
“What do you mean? Duuuhh… You called me up here. And it’s Brent, duh, Brent… not Bryant, but Brent…”
“Oh, yeah, sorry, Bret… whatever. So, so… what do you say, what say? I called you up, called you up? But what for? Why, why, why? I was just in the middle of… well, never mind, it’s none of your damn business. So, you say I called you up? But… but…Oh, yeah!!! Um, go ahead, Bry… uh, Bret… sit the fuck down. We need to have a serious talk. What the hell are you standing around for, sticking out like a sore thumbhead.”
“It’s Brent, not Bret, but –”
“Sit down, damn you already, sit down! Yeah, you know, Boner, for some reason it’s finally dawning on me how you fucked me up a few years ago with that fucking strike of yours, with that protest…”
“Urg-aaarh, it wasn’t me, duuuuhh, it was… it was The Ferret.”
“The who?! Listen, Boner: It’s my fucking paper, got it? And I do with it WHAT THE FUCK I WANT! I wanted to pull a story then, and maybe run it with some changes, or maybe not run it at all. Right or wrong, I had my reasons, but you pulled that strike shit on me, told the major broadsheets – the New York Times, for crying out loud!!! – called me all sorts of names, made me look like I was in cahoots with the oligarchs… Un-fucking-believable! It’s MY fucking paper, I’M the one who’s paying YOU, and YOU turn around and bite the hand that FEEDS you! To this day, people are calling me about it. To this day, I hear through the grapevine that I’m still being referred to as one of them, a bad guy, someone who uses the media for my own ends and quashes anything he doesn’t like. I should have fired your ass back then, fired ALL YOUR ASSES!!!, wanted to, too, but the foreign business community here was like, ‘oh, no, don’t do that, the Poster’s the only voice we’ve got,’ and today I fucking look at you, I look at you, you pathetic aging hairy balding old man, and you’re STILL on my payroll, doing what the fuck you want, and I’m sick of you, you GOT THAT?!? I’m fucking SICK of your fucking ass, doing what the fuck you want, laughing up your sleeve, while I pay for you and pay for you and FUCKING PAY FOR YOU!!! Because of that stunt you pulled, my greater business interests, which go WAY BEYOND that shitty little rag downstairs I’m financing with thousands and thousands of dollars every month out of my own pocket so this country has at least THE ILLUSION of THE SEMBLANCE of an independent English-language voice, are still being negatively affected, and my name and international reputation are STILL soiled!!! When I look at it all, I just can’t BELIEVE I’ve allowed you to continue to run things down there, and with such tremendous latitude. Your overstaffed mismanagement, your, your… with the eight years you’ve been there, Boner, NOT ONCE has the paper gotten out of the red and broken even. With every month, the paper gets into an even deeper hole, and, and… where are the ads?! I look at the records, and it was like a completely different paper before you! Two, three times as large… and ads, my God, my God, they had so many ads, they were coming out of their ass! They had so many fucking ads, there was almost no news to speak of – the ads WERE the news!!!”
“I’m telling you, arrg-der-uuurg, it was The –”
“No, I’m telling YOU!!! Where are the ads?! Can you just answer that one simple question? Huh?! God damn you, GOD DAMN YOU, Boner!!!”
“Aaar-urrg, when I took over duu-eerr, there was a global financial crisis to deal with, and it was all I could do-dyua-a-a-aaa –”
“Yeah, Boner, it was all you could do to FUCK EVERYTHING UP!!! Crisis-shmisis – what the FUCK are you talking about?!? The crisis is one thing, but you’ve had eight years – heh – let me make that A LITTLE FUCKING CLEARER FOR YOUR FUCKING HAIRY OLD MAN FACE!!! That’s EIGHT!!! FUCKING YEARS – that is, ALMOST A FUCKING DECADE, BONER!!! to get the paper OUT OF THE CRISIS, while I’ve been subsidizing your and everyone else’s salary there, and again, I look at the record, and you have consistently MADE THE PAPER WORSE!!!”
“Aaa ooo oh aaa urg urg awwwrrr – duh, duy, duh, DUUUUUUUHHH!!!”
“Yeah, that’s what I’d thought you’d say. Look at this ad, for example:
‘Special: Kyiv Commix T-shirts – 50% off
‘You heard it – Buy one Kyiv Commix T-shirt at your local Kyiv Unedited outlet and get 50% off on a Welsh Losser Punching Bag or Flying Ferret Dartboard. Get a further 25% off either of the above retail items if you cancel your subscription to the Kyiv Poster before the end of this month.
‘That’s right – cancel now.
‘Kyiv Commix T-shirts, made in Kyiv, are 100% imitation cotton and feature one of over a dozen Kyiv Commix characters.
‘Get Josh Davies in an unspeakable act of evil, or the imitable Rico Soiree in evening attire – and then half off the punching bag or dartboard. Free home delivery, order online!
‘Offer good for a limited time.
‘Warning: Must be 18 or have cash in hand at door!’”
“But, that’s a Kyiv Unedited house ad… duuuhh…”
“So what, Boner?! Why are THEY running the ads – huh?! Asshole! Why didn’t that ad run in the Kyiv Poster? Why?! Why the FUCK are THEY getting OUR business?!?”
“But, but, but, duh-duh-duh…”
“Shut the fuck up, Boner, because here’s another one – this time, from a Kyiv Unedited Summer Weekend Edition; something, by the way, we don’t have:
‘Friday, June 5th: Sweaty’s Place feature’s a night of magic with the imitable Mr. Majestic and his One Hundred and One New Jersey Nights. Black tie and tails only. Half off at the door for anyone who shows up in a soiled sleeveless undergarment. Get your picture taken with Sonny Boner – hapless Kyiv newshound turned barfly bard.
‘Saturday, June 6th: Andrew Plum’s death porn exhibition at Writer’s House. Wax figures of murdered PR king Boss Lard and lost but never found unpublished novelist Jim Hidshitz. Tickets for advance sale online at KyivCommix.com.
‘Welsh Losser Day at the Kyiv Zoo. Feed a hippo and help starving kids in Africa. Fat kids get in for free before 11:00 AM. Ferret petting zoo for kids – enter at your own risk.
‘Sunday, June 7th: Take part in Kyiv Diaspora 1/4 Mile Marathon around Zhovten Cinema in Podil. All proceeds go to reduce middle-aged obesity and unemployment in Ukraine’s Diaspora living in Kyiv. Sign up at local basement bar. Oversized traditional Ukrainian peasant smocks –HANDMADE – on sale nearby.
‘Monday June 8th: Poetry Night at unnamed establishment in Podil: Featuring Steve Kowalski reciting “An American Pollack in Ukraine”: tears, fears and English lessons.’”
Boner is stunned into silence.
“Yeah, that’s right, Boner. If I were you, I’d finally shut my sanctimonious chipmunk mouth, too. Because THAT’S what I call a fucking AD, Boner! It’s so beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes – the Summer not even at its Solstice High, and ALL THIS is going on. And meanwhile, look at us… Look the fuck at us, Boner… look at us! We’re FUCKING DEAD!!! And that’s not the only thing, Boner. I hear that Kyiv Unedited is growing by leaps and bounds. I hear that newsroom over there, wherever it is, is so vast, one end of it can’t see the other. I hear that operation has gotten so big, no one knows who’s in charge of it anymore. There’s some kind of beautiful ordered chaos there that somehow runs itself. And what do WE have, fucking Boner – huh?! What the fuck do WE have?!?”
Boner is still unable to break his silence, so incredibly shocked is he. Yet, this is not all – nay, but nary the beginning… for we still have Boner’s sex harassment to return to…
Filed by Mr. Phil “Crazy Legs” Jackson and Commix Writer 42M, Day Shift, December 22, 2015