There’s something rotten in Kyiv. And it’s not the carcass of one of the city’s countless stray dogs on some forgotten footpath.
A far more dangerous creature has made its presence felt in the ancient capital, mostly in basement bars and editorial offices. And he exhibits none of the personal loyalty or dedication to duty of Man’s best friend, nor even the basic camaraderie of those poor pooches doomed to a desperate life on the street. No, this beast is lower on the evolutionary scale than the dirtiest of mongrels. Although technically a mammal, his tadpole legs and turtle-shell torso bespeak a more primitive product of creation.
Judging by his giant head, one might consider him intelligent. Certainly, an internationally recognized broadsheet gave him the benefit of the doubt. But such is the state of modern journalism. And nowhere has this once respectable profession been more tarnished than in Ukraine’s leading city.
The fact is that he’s stupid. The clue is in his tiny ears, which hear a lot – mostly what doesn’t concern them – only to process this information into what can best be described as a weasel-like plot.
And plot he does, sowing confusion and dissent in Kyiv’s expatriate community, in which he deftly ensconced himself over a decade ago.
A string of firings of unsuspecting but for the most part competent foreign editors at the nation’s leading English-language newspaper is his legacy to date.
The weasel (some call him The Ferret) has also managed to produce enough lackluster news copy to fill a standard Ukrainian toilet stall from ceiling to floor.
The reader might ask himself at this point: How has such an abominable individual been able to establish himself among the good people of Kyiv and their foreign guests? How could a fat little sneak pull the wool over the eyes of seasoned diplomats, savvy international businesspeople and outspoken self-important nobodies?
To answer this question, one has to have insight into the weasel’s arsenal, which is actually an innate system of self-serving delusions that allow this character to produce an uninterrupted stream of lies.
It works something like this: During a casual conversation taking place in a newsroom or basement bar, The Ferret will interject statements that give undue emphasis to his dubious accomplishments or (more often) would-be achievements. The naïve interlocutor is led to believe that The Ferret could have been a doctor from vague comments of how he’d studied biology in college on the insistence of his parents.
This deceptive bantering is usually sprinkled with no few colorful anecdotes of how The Ferret had experimented on rats during a lab class or attended the birth of a relative’s child, fully dressed in green medical scrubs.
One could go on in detail about this creature’s pretensions to having had a chance to become a professional hockey player, etc., etc.
What’s more interesting and far more useful to anyone hoping to avoid this web of deceit is to know how this character actually pulls it all off, and to what purpose.
Simply put, The Ferret begins with a boast to gain the confidence of his mark; from there, ever so tentatively, begins a slow massaged manipulation.
In the early days, the mark was eventually promised a position at Kyiv’s leading English-language newspaper, where The Ferret held an influential position that always fell short of having to take any responsibility, either for hiring practices or editorial content, both of which he in fact increasingly had a hand in.
When the mark fails to meet The Ferret’s expectations (i.e., working his ass off for chump change), the idiot in charge of the paper (one of The Ferret’s earlier marks) suddenly finds himself the recipient of all manner of negative intelligence on the now doomed journalist, who is promptly fired with no obvious participation by The Ferret.
The chief editor eventually becomes a victim himself.
But the ultimate victim of all this weaselry has become English-language journalism in independent Ukraine.
If the reader is at this point confused or incredulous that such things are happening in the expatriate community of a newly independent state, or suspicious that this might be yet another Internet smear campaign aimed at one of the few courageous warriors of the pen working selflessly to expose corruption and other post-Soviet evils east of the EU, please note that Weasel Watch (WW) is a non-profit and non-partisan organization dedicated to the cause of uncovering and uprooting weaselry wherever it may grow.
Due to our geographical, organizational and financial limitations, WW is currently concentrating on the former Soviet Republic of Ukraine, specifically Kyiv, and realistically the city’s expatriate community. We at WW feel that there are more than enough weeds to uproot in this environment.
This edition of Weasel Watch has been dedicated to The Ferret due to his unyielding efforts and remarkable success in promoting the cause of weaselry in our own backyard.
To appreciate the success that The Ferret has had in his abominable endeavors, please note the classic model of his system of fabrication: exaggeration – self-aggrandizement – manipulation – hollow promises – deception – abandonment – backpedaling – memory failure – denial.
Of course, his methodology is subject to endless evolution, if for nothing else than to evade detection.
Nevertheless, he is not alone. Weaselry is a phenomenon not limited to the antics of a single agent. It can spread like wildfire in the right environment and is particularly pervasive among insular communities of uprooted losers drawn together by second-rate media outlets unrestrained by normal editorial oversight.
Like other social deviancies, weaselry often goes hand in hand with alcoholism – thus the prevalence of its adherents in basement bars.
If you feel that you or someone you know has been the victim of weaselry at the hands of The Ferret or others like him, please don’t hesitate to contact us to share your experience and thereby help forewarn others of the danger that exists and yet routinely goes unnoticed in Kyiv and likely other expatriate communities in the former Soviet Union and beyond.
Filed by Dirk Dickerson, January 29, 2013