To: U.S. Citizens of Expatriate Kyiv
From: Brad Badgegeek, U.S. Consular Section
Dear U.S. Citizens of Expatriate Kyiv:
The U.S. Department of State has issued a Worldwide Caution to update information on the continuing threat of terrorist actions and violence against U.S. citizens and interests throughout the world. Because we have fortress-like embassies and consulates all over the world and are always cautious that we may be attacked by rag-headed madmen or, worse, have our 30-day vacations, generous per diem and other cushy benefits cut, this warning in no way applies to us.
U.S. citizens are reminded to maintain a high level of vigilance and to take appropriate steps to increase their security awareness. Don’t trust anyone!
If you are renting a flat in the Ukrainian capital, change the lock on your doors and pay the greedy hag that owns it via an envelope slipped discretely under the door in daylight hours. Although this non-American woman is not likely to be a terrorist, she may know one, rent a flat to him or be conducting an Internet romance with a man from a country where Islamist extremism is rife.
If you are a member of the American business community – either as a high-placed corporate cog trying to promote an enduring culture of senseless consumerism and electronically-fueled egomania, OR as a carpet-bagging charlatan hawking everything from self-help books to financial consulting services, beware: The Ukrainian suck-up who appears intent on becoming your right-hand man (or woman), may really be a mole studying your operations from the inside-out to one day blow them up. Admittedly, this person is more likely to just try and steal or copy your business model, but in any case don’t come crying to us when it happens.
If, on the other hand, you are one of the city’s countless and largely unemployed sexpats trying to leverage your passport to secure a young Ukrainian squeeze who will cook you borsch, let you live in the flat she inherited from her grandma and provide all manner of administrative/translating services necessary for you to survive day by day in this post-Soviet hole in the ground, it would be better if you never came here at all. In fact, whether you are aware of it or not, that Emergency Card that one of our locally trained battleaxes strong-armed you into filling out through the consular glass has given our NSA-trained snoops full access to the dribble you pour out from your personal Internet account and much, much more – not that we really believe any of this will provide even a modicum of intelligence for use in the “WAR AGAINST TERROR”, but it does make for job security back in Washington D.C.
Moving on, any sissy boy or lesbian cow with a humanities degree who’s paying off their student loans by pretending to be important at a locally registered NGO can rest assured that you have our full moral support, which in no way obliges us to support you in any other way. Likewise, you English teachers – although, yes, we know that most of you are losers – can also consider yourselves friends of the American People for teaching Ukrainians to despise their own language and culture as backward and utterly useless in a modern, technology-based world. But again, don’t bother the American Citizen Services office (which is almost fully staffed with someone’s foreign wife or an anally retentive Ukrainian local hire) with dumb-assed questions about how to vote, register your marriage, kid’s birth or anything else. Just use the website, OK?
Evangelists colonizing the country in search of “buckwheat-bowl” converts…? Bless your hearts. We get all those letters from your right-wing supporters in Congress and are here to help – AGAIN – if it doesn’t cause us any inconvenience, overtime or thinking outside that proverbial box. But beware of those bearded bastards in the long black robes: you are muscling in on their territory and they WILL kick your ass.
This replaces the Worldwide Caution dated July 18, 2012, to provide updated information on security threats and terrorist activities worldwide.
The Department of State remains concerned about the continued threat of terrorist attacks, demonstrations, and other violent actions against U.S. citizens and interests overseas.
Do any of you know the administrative hassle that we’d have to go through to claim your rotten corpse from a Ukrainian morgue if you were nailed by one of the many assholes who terrorize this city’s streets? So, please stay away from any trouble. And that means demonstrations, including ones staged by so-called Fem Girls, despite the obvious attraction to such a demonstration for the “sexpat” category of American Citizen living in Kyiv mentioned above.
Current information suggests that al-Qaida, its affiliated organizations, and other terrorist organizations continue to plan terrorist attacks against U.S. interests in multiple regions, including Europe, Asia, Africa, and the Middle East AND KYIV. These attacks may employ a wide variety of tactics, including suicide operations (heavy drunk falling on you), assassinations (by mail order wife), kidnappings (by taxi driver), hijackings (by someone wanting your taxi), and bombings (by neighbors from balcony above).
And you think that an Osama Ben Lada wanna-be wouldn’t strike here? You think that he wouldn’t be able to spot you on the Metro or sitting in an Internet Café because you bought that stupid furry fold-up hat on Andreyevsky Spusk and therefore blend in with the crowd? Or because you learned a few words of Ukrainian or Russian and someone told you that you can speak either language, when in fact you cannot without using your hands to point at things?
Wake up! These bastards – Muslim or otherwise – want to kill you, or at least ruin your European vacation. The only way to avoid such an outcome is to receive and read these warnings that we put out, which, by the way, contain no useful advice other than to “be vigilant”, whatever that means. And in the unlikely event that you are snubbed, snuffed out, blown up and have your throat slit before a video camera by some bearded goat-fucking good-for-nothing, please be aware that your death will only serve to increase US spending on foreign affairs and security, which essentially comes down to job security for me, Brad Badgegeek, ha, ha, ha.
See you, I’ve got to go home to my kick-ass expensive flat that the embassy rents for me and plan my 30 days of paid vacation that comes out of your tax dollars if you even pay taxes, because you probably don’t even have a job, which is why many of you are here in Ukraine.
Boss Lard (in jacuzzi): Damn, these things are getting more long-winded all the time…
Bret Boner: Brad Badgegee… Probably never had a real job in his life…
Josh Davies: Now let me just transpose a few words and resend this along my mailing list…
The Ferret: Heh, heh. Bombings, throat-cutting terrorists, cool!
Rico Soiree: I think this young man has gotten a little loose with his tongue. The Sterling School of English provides a first-rate linguistic experience…
RatShitCageItch: Hmm, that took a long time to read.
Filed by Dirk Dickerson, March 28, 2013