Kyiv Unedited has received no response from David Lynch after sending him two letters. So that wasn’t very nice on Mr. Lynch’s part, was it? So what choice is there but to send Mr. Lynch a THIRD letter? If we don’t say so ourselves, by the looks of that letter, we don’t think Mr. Lynch wants to take it to No. 4 – does he? But what will happen if he doesn’t act?
Well… then we shall exercise our powers, won’t we? Mr. Lynch…
So, Mr. Lynch,
We guess, after we sent you a second letter and a couple more days of no answer from you, that fact answers all our questions… doesn’t it?!
We figure you probably think – to use a worn but apt phrase – you’re too good for us.
Making movies, are we, and music… and coffee?
That’s right, Lynch, there’s no end to YOUR creativity, but everyone else’s, apparently, is just so limited and not up to your par, in your judgment.
My, my, aren’t we the cat’s meow, Mr. Lynch? Aren’t we its pajamas too?
We’re so not of this Earth, aren’t we? We’re in another world altogether – one you, together with your little cabal of highly talented (you (and they) think) and allegedly creative dweebs – effete, sensitive, select, and oh-so very, very special – don’t share with the undifferentiated dark masses of the rest of humanity, except to sell them your coffee!
No, no, no, no, we’re not only in an entirely different world, Mr. Lynch, we are so way high up, outside the Earth’s gravitational force, and all but immortal, Mr. Lynch, that we are perhaps best described – should you, of course, deign to once or twice, and only for a second or two, lower yourself to our level, way down here, so we could worshipfully honor you with our pathetic attempts to describe you (someone so unique and so very special, that he practically defies description, that is, in lowly human terms) – as a star mingling and twinkling knowingly with a very special set of other similar stars, revolving and spinning around each other out there, in the infinite and eternal sea of outer space.
Mr. Lynch.
Oh, may we call you that? Forgive us if we’re being just a little too presumptuous. Please tell us, and we will scrape our knees raw, wear the flesh down to the gore and bone, on the asphalt to your temple to beg your forgiveness.
Ah, yes – of course, of course… yes, yes, yes…
Inspirational, are we? Influential? An idol, right? Yes, of course Mr. Lynch is right. People want to touch you, touch your jacket, your shoulder, the edge of one of your hands…
Don’t they, Mr. Lynch – DON’T THEY?!?
They get tattoos of you on their arms and back, with a scene from “Twin Peaks” rising out of your face and hair – like hellfire!
Bet you think we sit around staring at your pictures on our walls, don’t you? But did you maybe think, Lynch, about whether we have any pictures of you on our walls to begin with?
No, of course you didn’t, because… well, because YOU’RE DAVID LYNCH!!!
Well, maybe we do, and maybe we don’t, but one thing’s for sure… YOU think we do, whether we do or not!
And if we did, there’s another thing you can be sure of – we’ve already torn them all down!!!
This is what we’re used to, isn’t it Lynch? This is what we expect. Isn’t it, Lynch? We asked you a question, Lynch, so answer it. We said, isn’t it, Lynch? ISN’T IT???!!!
You think everyone who writes to you and wants some of your attention is just another stupid fan, don’t you? Just a bunch of clowns, ready to swallow everything you do, including your coffee – ha! You think we have issues, don’t you? You think we need help, a little bit of counseling, maybe – like your Transcontinental Meditation?
Hey, give us a break, will ya… please… sir…???
So, you really think you’re so great?! Unbelievable. And that, Mr. Lynch, would be based on what – huh?!?
For example, Lynch, we don’t see any “Mulholland Drive” Action Figures anywhere out there.
Oh, but what about basing them on the flabby freak thugs – the supposed neighborhood toughs (yeah, right) – who beat the shit out of Nicolas Cage at the end of the movie? And then the faerie godmother, whom you STOLE from “The Wizard of Oz” comes down to save him.
Nope, nothing there, either.
Looks like we’re batting zero for zero, Lynch, but YOU probably don’t see it that way.
No, of course not, because you are, after all, DAVID LYNCH!!!
Oh, but what about making a cute, cuddly toy for children based on the skinned “Eraserhead” rabbit that can’t stop that damned colicky screaming day and night and that falls apart when you undo its diaper, its insides filling up and gushing over with an evil, putrid black-and-white foam?
Yeah, Lynch, you’d have people all over you in the courts for the irreparable psychological scarring you caused their little sons and daughters with that one – but, being Mr. David Lynch, why don’t you just go ahead and try it? After all, how can it fail? Oh, and don’t bother giving US, KYIV UNEDITED, the credit for it when you do, even though we will keep THIS LETTER on record AS EVIDENCE if you do! So maybe you can just try to keep that in mind.
Mr. Lynch.
Nor, Mr. Lynch, do we see any of our Ukrainian chicks sporting Lynch Wear around here – in any season, and these are some of the most fashion-conscious people on The Planet Earth. And, need we remind you, this is KYIV, THE CAPITAL OF UKRAINE!!! It is not some backland village!!! where they rake potatoes all day…
Is that because Lynch Wear is some kind of well-kept secret in the fashion industry?
Nooo…
Is it because it is available only in exclusive boutiques accessible only to the rich and powerful? The so-called beau monde of the world? The super elite?
Nooo…
Well, then, is it because it is available by secret catalogue accessible only via your paid website – together with your coffee???
Nooo…
Hmmm…
Could it then be, Mr. Lynch, that Lynch Wear cannot be anywhere found by us because it… DOESN’T EXIST?!?
Do you REALLY think anything you’ve ever done comes anywhere NEAR our Kansas Diner?
Oh, yeah, Mr. Lynch?! Well, we’ll just wipe our tear and move on. You’ll get yours one day. And we’ll get ours. Then we’ll see who’s going to write to whom.
And just guess what our answer is going to be, the operational word here being “answer”, of which, Mr. Lynch, if you’re not smart enough to figure it out (and you should be, because you are, after all, DAVID LYNCH!!!), there will be precisely this much:
N-O-N-E… plus the sound of crickets in a field against a starry background sky…
That’ll also be the sound of the shoe being on the other foot; namely, ours, because if that shoe fits, Mr. Lynch, then we strongly advise that you WEAR IT!!!
Oh, yeah, and another thing…
Because of you we fired some good people, and truly regret it. All the more because, in trying to get them back, we found out they’re making public their telling us to muck off, and have joined the staff of the Kyiv Poster under Chief Editor Bret Boner. Maybe, instead of with us, you have some secret ties and collusions with the aforesaid Boner, and plan to work with him too? Judging by your actions, we wouldn’t be surprised.
Filed by – actually, it’s none of your business whom this was filed by, given your contemptible treatment of us; we, who sent you such well-intentioned and hopeful letters, hopes that you’ve completely crushed and destroyed; so, YOU will bear the guilt and the responsibility of the consequences that will now follow…
Goodbye, Mr. Lynch
May the god of Luck shine upon you when you most need it
KYIV UNEDITED
February 25, 2016