Here are my notes, I’m tweaking details in my resume, now that I’m a top executive for Penmanship International, a leading worldwide hospitality training services firm specializing in the illegal vices sector.
I’ll show them now, hoo-hoo! I’m heading for the top! Persistence, hard work, talent, and especially my natural calling as a writer – it’s all paying off. I’m becoming really important in Kyiv, Ukraine!
My new book, “One Minute to Masturbating the Deal”, should really help boost my reputation in the business community and demonstrate how talented and versatile I am as a writer, writing serious fact-based books in addition to my short fiction. That son of a bitch, Boss Lard, isn’t the only one who can stake a claim on Amazon Kindle! And he’s not going to be calling the shots anymore!
Hey, maybe a short series! – “One Minute to Handshake Ecstasy”, “One Minute to Ejaculate Negotiations”, “One Minute to Fondling the Opponent”, “The One-Minute Blowout Erection Sale”… as they say, the possibilities are endless – haw, orrhaaa…!!!
Now back to the resume.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to change my two years at a community college to time spent on a major West Coast university campus as adjunct professor – that’s really going to help cement my reputation as a top behavior services trainer in this part of the world, because I really know how people in the hotel business should act. I have a lot of knowledge and expertise to impart. The same goes for restaurants and casinos. If someone wants to open up a brothel, some high-priced training can also be arranged – nyug, nyug, nyoo, hnack! Aaaaahhh – I kill me!
Come on, get serious, Welsh. Nyuh nya, mya, ohuuu… Okay, moving along. Before, I used to say I majored in communications, but it would be more consistent with my impressive career arc to say I have masters’ degrees in public relations AND journalism.
And two years, I think, is about the right amount of time that needs to pass before I start adding that I’m a lawyer. I took some prelaw classes, so saying I’m one is not only not misleading, but consistent with the powerful and intense presence I’ve built up in this town over time.
And then there’s saying I was chief editor of the Kyiv Poster. There are undoubtedly some bastards who might say I never became chief editor, but I was in the newsroom’s top management post for three months, which is identical to being chief editor, whether I carried that title or not. I was the interim managing editor, which, for all intents and purposes, is the same as acting chief editor, which is the same as chief editor, so my referring to myself as the chief editor of the only leading English-language news publication in the country is a claim that is completely legi –
Voice from Somewhere: You didn’t want it, you were afraid of dealing with the publisher, Seth Sundance, you couldn’t take it, so you never became chief editor of the Kyiv Poster…
Huh! What?! Who said that? Who’s that, who’s that?! Where’s that voice coming from? Am I hearing things? That’s a lie, a treacherous lie, it’s –
Voice from Somewhere: And because you couldn’t take it, because you were too much of a spineless gelatin-like coward to take responsibility for the newsroom’s operations, you opened the way for Andrew Plumb, who then fired you!
No, no, that’s not true! Plumb was despicable, but I had nothing to do with… I mean… when I ran that newsroom, I –
Voice from Somewhere: But before all that, before Plumb, and before you discovered you didn’t have the stomach, or the brains, for making top decisions you’d have to take responsibility for (and realized you really coveted the second highest position, from where you thought you could manipulate everything without answering for the consequences, controlling, as it were, your very own secret little Machiavellian operation – tellingly, by a number of years predating your good friend The Ferret, who’d go on to perfect the technique before finally being fired himself – by Boner), when the chief editor spot was vacated, you immediately tried insinuating your fat ass into the position by – get this! – campaigning for it in the newsroom and circulating a petition you’d written yourself addressed to the publisher, saying you’re the best candidate for the job, and taking it from desk to desk, demanding everyone sign it!
Filed by Jack Step, March 7, 2013