One, with a restaurant review, the other, with a movie review
There is a sort of grudging acceptance and misery here. Aren’t they funny? They say they’d do it if they didn’t have to do it, but if someone tells them to do it, then they don’t want to do it.
“So,” says the poet Steve Kowalski to none other than The Half Guinea, “what’ve you got there?”
“None of your business, Kowalski. I’m working on it.”
“Why? I don’t have a problem showing you mine.”
“Like I said, that’s your problem.”
“No, you didn’t say that. You said –”
“Oh, will you please cut out the pettifogging?! Whud-uh-ya have to make such a big stink about it, Kowalski? If you want to read me what you have, go ‘head. It’s not going to change the price of tea in Chi –”
“Come on, Guinea! I’m getting really sick and tired of your stupid platitudes, as if it proves anything. I’ve taken on responsibility here and I’m trying to fulfill my –”
“Oh, for the love of Black Venus, talk about platitudes, if you even know what that means, look who’s talking! Just – read – what – you – got – if – you – want – Kowalski – or – don’t – bother – me – is – that – clear?!”
“Oh, ah, sure, sure, okay, here it goes. Um:
“So you should see the new ‘Dracula’ because it’s really scary and the guy climbs up a sheer cliff face and there’s a big scary castle there and then this scary-looking woman comes out and she gives the main character, the hero or anti-hero, it’s up to you to decide, a goblet of blood he has to drink so that he can –”
“Whoa, whoa, wait a second, hold it right there – stop… stop… stop!!! First of all, if you’re referring to the new ‘Dracula’ it’s not called ‘Dracula’ but ‘Dracula Untold.’ Second of all, how can you write a review about it – and it really, really stinks, Kowalski – if you haven’t even seen it yet? I mean, it’s not even out in the Kyiv theaters! It’s –”
“No, no, that’s not exactly true, Guinea. It’s sort of out, and –”
“Well, no, it’s not, Kowalski… so what the hell are you doing? You can’t even find the information in Wikipedia yet, it’s so ‘not out!’”
“Uh, well, I got it from the trailer when I went to see ‘Lucy.’”
“You can’t write a review from a fucking trailer, Steve. Come on! You’re not even remembering the trailer right! Are you talking about the sorcerer or the evil witch, or –”
“You’re making it sound like you were there, Guinea.”
“Well, in a way I was. Besides, I heard the movie’s going to suck. So why encourage anyone to see it?”
“Guinea, you can travel back and forth in time as much as you want, but you’ll always be only in the present. That’s to your first one or two insinuations. As for the rest, maybe let people see it and make up their own minds, and plus I thought maybe I could start a new trend in movie review publishing right here in Kyiv Unedited – ah, ah…”
“Aaaaaaahhh, aaaaaaahhh… let me guess, Kowalski… Writing the reviews BEFORE the movies even come out – is that it?”
“Gee, yeah, Guinea, how did you know?”
“Because it’s stupid, that’s how I know. It’s something Saint Stephan would have thought up. Thank the gods he’s dead!”
“Are you calling me stu –”
“What else can you be? You’re still hankering after the Union of Lublin and the Rzeczpospolita. Huge swaths of Ukrainian territory almost just making it to the Black Sea, but not quite – yeah, too bad about that – heh, heh, heh… But then, as though it were irrelevant, you dismiss the use of Chancellery Ruthenian in the court of the –”
“Oh, now you’ve gone too far, you… Roman deity reject – ha! And they were all just renamed Greek gods anyway, so that’s the second strike against you – a reject wrapped in a fake! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! What’s the third strike, Guinea? What’s with all that deep color? Do you have a pigmentation problem, Guinea? Are you trying to be something you’re not? Uppity, smooth-talking, aiming above your proper station? Trying to get all that black… butt? Why don’t you just go to Africa, for sky’s sake? Or go back to it, if that’s where you’re from! What the hell are you doing here, in Ukraine? And if that weren’t enough, the country’s at war! You’re not even good looking! Is that why they threw you out – discrimination?! First, they make you that way, but then YOU get the blame! Poor, miserable sucker! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!!”
“Listen, dummy. No one MADE me this way. This is the way I came. Okay:
“Bohdan Khmelnytsky –”
“All right, Guinea – now that REALLY hurt! I didn’t say anything THAT bad, and you know I was only joking, and you know I know it’s not true, so why did you have to cut so deep?!”
“Take it easy, Steve. You got me in a good mood, so I figured I’d read you my restaurant review. The place I went to is on Bohdan Khmelnytsky Street in the downtown. I wasn’t casting any aspersions against the great Polish State.”
“Oh, ah, well, what kind of review is it if you start with the name of the street?”
“I don’t know – just thought I’d try something new, is all.”
“Oh – ah, don’t know if that quite works, Guinea… Anyway, ah, how was it?”
“How was what?”
“You know – the place, the food, the… the…”
“Yeah, it was okay. I saw a black chick there, Kowalski.”
“Is that so important to you, Guinea?”
“It hurts, Steve… Sometimes it hurts so bad, I can… The shrieking of nothing is killing, just pictures of Jap girls in synthesis.”
“And you ain’t got no money and you ain’t got no hair.”
“Whoa-o-whoa. Hold it, there, Kowalski. I’ve got hair. But I’m hoping to kick but this planet is glowing… Say, wait a second, Steve… Doesn’t all this seem somehow strange to you?”
“I don’t know. What do you mean, Guinea?”
“I mean, just put down what you’re doing and look around for a second, if you even can.”
“I still don’t get it, Half.”
“I mean, are we walking around with hard-copy printouts of our movie and restaurant reviews reading them to each other, or are we in a newsroom sitting behind big bulky desktops, or are we sitting in one of those franchise coffee cafes in the gentrifying bohemian Podil district of lower Kyiv we love so much, with our laptops out connected to the joint’s Wi-Fi? And what day is it? What’s it like outside?”
“I don’t know, Guinea. The space seems completely undefined. But until you mentioned it, I hadn’t even thought about it. I was just, ah…”
“I mean, what’s happening here, Kowalski? Come to think of it, I can’t even see you! Are we being written into some kind of meta-review about us reviewing things we didn’t even do?”
“I don’t, I mean, I don’t –”
“Kowalski! What’s going on here? Who’s writing this?! Who’s –”
October 5, 2014