Mission rebooted: delivering the news to the highest standards
Ooooo, ooooo, Brrrent, you must see this – eet eez just unbelievable!
What is it, Lemurov? I’m editorializing feverishly here, trying to put this paper to bed on deadline.
Ooooo, noooo, this will just blow you away. I have never seen such a thing before. Eet eez absolutely incrrredible.
Okay, Lemurov, bring it over here.
Lemurov brings his laptop to Boner.
Do you see, do you see what they arrre doing? Eet eez just incrrredible. I am shocked!
What is this, Lemurov – some kind of website? Um, duh, okay, so it’s called Kyiv Unedited – what’s that supposed to mean. Hmm… hmm… Who’s this Mr. Hardly? Sounds like some kind of Christmas-card pedophile – reminds me of Boss Lard’s deformed, one-eyed boy, Welsh Losser. Hmm… duuuhh… hmm… Hey, Lemurov, what is this? You’re wasting my time! Get this outta here, dyuuhuuuhh!
Ooooo, noooo, do you not see? This EEZ the storrry! Why don’t you rrread what they arrre saying?
Hmm, hmm, daaaoohh, uuuhh, hmm, let me see, du, let me see… Hey, what is this?!
Ooooo, now do you see what I mean?
They can’t write that! Is this supposed to be a reference to me – Bryant el Flaccido, chief editor of the Kyiv Post-It, and how I’ve cost the newspaper, which continues to collapse under a mass of increasing debt, tons of money by taking advantage of the unsubstantiated paranoid desperation of the first owner-publisher and then the naïve misguided largesse of the second owner-publisher and ordering information services the paper never uses and significantly overstaffing the masthead with inexperienced deadweight on jacked-up salaries who never write anything, and especially incompetent high school girls in braided pigtails for the express purpose of potentially giving me blowjobs…
Ooooo…
Why, duh, this is outrageous, dyoahh, this is, this is, duuuuuhhh – I’m suing, I’m suing – for libel, on the company’s account! I’m sending my demands directly to the paper’s owner and publisher, Zoe Mohair, right now! And this time I’m going to bypass the CEO, Boss Lard – he’ll just get in the way with his flabby PR ass and fuck things up – rotate everything around some self-promoting PR circus instead of me! I’m –
Ooooo, Brrrent, but what about the paper’s Western standard frrreedom of speech policy and all of those storrries we write pointing the finger at those rich and powerful who brrring defamation lawsuits against innocent journalists like us who arrre only interested in telling the truth, and everything else that eez supposed to make us the World’s Window Through Ukraine, the countrrry’s only leading English-language newspaper?
Duuuhh, that doesn’t apply to us! No one has the right to insult ME like this! Lemurov – dig to the bottom of this and find out who’s behind it! Dyuuhoah, I’ll get those fucking bastards, dooouuhh!
Ring, ring, ring… ring, ring, ring…
Duh, I wonder who that could be – and right on paper bedtime! Hello?!
Heh, heh, Brent…
The Ferret? Duh, what do you want?
Yeah, yeah, heh-heh-heh, ah, listen, heh-heh, you won’t believe this, but there’s this website, see, and it’s completely ripping you and the Kyiv Poster apart! You’re being humiliated all over the place! Whoever these people are, they’re making you out to be some kind of sick, creepy, dirty, aging, frustrated sex predator using your position as chief editor to lure unsuspecting girls three times younger than yourself into the newsroom and elsewhere, through Facebook and such, acting like the good innocent older guy who has only their best interests in mind, righteously indignant against and ready to kill all those male scum and slime who would dare abuse them, treating them as if they were only stupid bitches and brainless sex objects, and then, after establishing your forthright, upstanding and irreproachable character before them, you promise to help them, indicating future success in lucrative, powerful and significant corporate and government positions by rising through the newspaper, the widely read and highly internationally respected Kyiv Poster, the only leading English-language news source in town, but the only position that YOU’RE interested in is their heads suddenly accidently next to your crotch, hopefully as if inadvertently rubbing it with their plaited braids, in weird corporate team-building exercises that you’ve thought up yourself.
Well, duh, you don’t say, Ferret, you don’t say?
Yeah, heh-heh, and I think you’re probably going to want to hire me back after I show it to you. Although I’m willing to start out freelance – for an agreed price – heh-heh-heh. I’m already getting to the bottom of who’s behind it, and you’re going to need me to write this as an exclusive front-page breaking feature piece, and that will give the paper grounds to sue this website for –
So, duh, after not writing an article for the paper for the last 10 years while you were here, you’re suddenly willing and able to do so, for the paper’s sake, after I, dyuh, fired you?
Yeah, well, I left on my own terms, no, I didn’t say that, I mean, not exactly, but, yeah, heh-heh, technically –
Well, Ferret, that’s very deouhh magnanimous of you. Oh, and, dooua, Ferret, is that, duh, website by any chance called Kyiv Unedited? And you were fired.
Left on my own terms. Heh-heh, heh-heh, no, no, it’s not, I mean, maybe it is or it was, but –
Well, as it turns out I’m going to have to refuse your generous services, since Lemurov here already dug the information out. You were fired.
Heh, when did he do that? Left – own terms.
Oh, duh, just now. Fired.
Heh! Left. He must have been hacking into my system, intercepted my work and delivered it to you before I did, taking advantage of his physical presence in the newsroom.
Duuuh, fired, that kind of thinking used to convince me before, Ferret, but not anymore, doooa… You’re not as fast as you used to be.
No, no, left on my own terms, heh-heh, it’s not fair! I can prove it! You can’t do this to me! No one can hurt me, heh, no one! You can’t –
Boner hangs up the phone.
Ring, ring, ring… ring, ring, ring…
Duuuhh! Who is it this time? Hello? Boss Lard? Yes, how can I be of service, duuu… Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, if you say so. THIS issue?! But we’re putting the paper to bed tonight! And there’s only a few hours left before deadline! What was that? No, no, dyua, certainly, I wouldn’t want that to happen. Yes sir, duh. Yes sir, goodbye.
Hangs up the phone.
Ooooo, so, Brrrent, what happened?
Lard wants me to read Welsh Losser’s new book, “One Minute to Presentation Orgasm”, review it positively for this issue of the Poster, and then somehow apply Losser’s advice to my role as chief editor and incorporate the book’s most important concepts into the Poster’s journalism, so that Losser’s spirit comes through all our news copy. Duuuooa, I can’t fucking believe this! Who is Losser and why should he have such an influence on the paper? Only a, dyu, fucking clown would come up with a name like that for a business book – and we have to honor it?! This has, duoahh, gone far enough! First, I’m suing that goddamn website and then I’m, daao, starting my own newspaper. I’ll, duh, take the staff here from the newsroom, and the people will rally around me, and I’ll get, duuu, financing from the right-thinking Western business community in Kyiv, and maybe from the Ukrainian Diaspora, and through the freedom of speech that I, and only I, nurture and give life to in this country, will I lead the charge, into the breach, for fairness, truth, justice, liberty, and –
Ooooo, Brrrent, Brrrent, do you know, I have just noticed, and this eez just incrrredible, I have never seen such a thing like eet, your words appear on the Kyiv Unedited website just a split second before you actually say them! In rrreal time! Except faster! And my words too! Incrrredible! Every time we talk, the words come on the scrrreen just before we get them out! Eet eez happening right now!
Deyoa, what’s that?! Duh…
Ooooo, yes, herrre eet eez! See? And what you said just now, too! Eet eez exactly like we arrre being controlled!
Deyuuahh –
Ooooo, eet eez like we have no frrreedom at all, or even rrreal lives, but exist inside this website at the whims of eets creators, and everything we say eez already determined a prrriorrri.
Dyoouua – noooo…!!!
Ooooo, yes!!!
Filed by Jack Step, March 4, 2013