What was I supposed to do, tell The Hunched Cornish about Manny Face?
John Smith, January 31, 2014
KU Secret Editorial Board responds, probing issues raised and ramifications with critical op-ed
OP-ED
We here at the Secret Editorial Board believe this is very shortsighted on John Smith’s part.
While we understand that Smith can be an occasional wiseacre, particularly with The Hunched Cornish, we also know he is not prone to lying, and therefore believe that he has not only placed himself in an awkward position at this point in the story, but one that may prove altogether untenable.
For truly, what will he do now? Does Smith mean to tell us that he will somehow avoid The Hunched Cornish from now on and no longer provide him company at lunches and dinners throughout this outstanding ancient capital, with its great and proud people, but mostly in Podil?
For if this is indeed the case, will not this lead to the unwanted consequences of raising within the grotesque monster precisely the suspicions Smith is so desperate to avoid?
And in the event he doesn’t avoid The Cornish, will he then be able to not tell him about the messages from Manny Face and how Smith helped Face replace the windows in his apartment? Will he be able to not tell The Cornish how Face returned with Tango Baby from Crimea, where she had been held hostage by The Cornish in his underground palace, and is now living with her in said apartment, all warm and cozy with its new windows, engaging in endless sex? Looking The Cornish in the eye, will Smith be able to NOT tell him any of this? We shudder to think it.
And we think not. For this begs the question: How? We say: There is no ‘How’. It’s impossible.
Yet in all of this terrifying madness, there is hope. Smith is damned if he does tell The Cornish, and he’s damned if he doesn’t, but we believe he is more damned if he doesn’t, than if he does.
But we also believe that Smith should tell The Cornish everything, first, because it is in line with his nature, and second, because he must dispense with all fear, believing that if everything is explained to The Cornish and laid out according to the facts, The Cornish might prove reasonable and withdraw all claims to Tango Baby, as well as his threats to hurt Manny Face in any way, all under Smith’s excellent influence.
Noting throughout this series the positive effect Smith has had on The Cornish, who is so often a smoldering, raging, destructive beast, and therefore a danger to Kyiv society, and who, it’s been proven, cannot be disposed of, unless he goes on his own, we strongly believe that Smith would successfully manage a conversion to reason within The Cornish this time as well, although Smith has already protested to this Board that this situation has nothing to do with “reason” at all.
We beg to differ.
Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board, January 31, 2014