DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Brent Boner (BB), Chief Editor of the Kyiv Poster
Pimply-Faced Kid (PFK) in red company jacket, a cable TV and Internet bill collector
Hound Dog Face (HDF), a secretary
PFK: Good day, sir. Are you Brent Boner, chief editor of Kyiv’s leading English-language weekly?
BB: Yeah, who wants to know?
PFK: I’m from Lonely Planet Cable TV and Internet Company. I have a bill here for you for three thousand two hundred and fifty-seven hryvnias, payable…
BB: I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a paper to put together…
PFK: Payable immediately, sir! Actually, it was due last month… or maybe even the month before – I’ll have to check…
BB: Look-it. I told you I’m busy. And where do you get off coming here to my work place to collect for an Internet bill?
PFK: We tried to contact you by email and mobile phone, but no luck. So, you’ll have to pay now or be cut off. Besides, some of the special Internet content you ordered came through the Kyiv Poster’s server… after normal work hours…
BB: Listen, this isn’t some hotdog stand. You’re standing in a newsroom. I’ve got journalists running all over the place, copying reports from Interfax or writing up feature pieces on the vacations they just came back from…
PFK: All I need you to do is sign right here and give me your credit card number.
BB: I’m not going to sign this! I don’t even know what all this crap is!
PFK: Well, here’s a bill for, let’s see now, the “Mature Men in Eastern Europe” relationship site, and then there’s this one from “Underage Chicks Delivered to Your Door”. Oh, and the biggest bill is for “Online Massage in English”. You also ordered some online products through us, like…
BB: Cut the crap, kid – I’ve got a job to do here! I’m right in the middle of writing a scathing editorial of how shitty things are in this country, and then I’ve got to hit a European Associates meeting to learn about how honest Western businesses can’t dump their products here.
HDF: And don’t forget your interview with Femgirls…
PFK: No kidding, you’re interviewing them. They’ve got a pay-per-view website with us, too… Hmm, as a matter of fact, there’s a bill here for you from them too. Here it is! Femgirls fan club Gold Card membership fee. You must have put a lot of time in on their chat site to get that Gold Card!
BB: What’s going on here, anyway?! Is this some kind of setup? Who sent you here?
PFK: Lonely Planet Cable TV…
BB: Don’t pull that with me, kid. You’ve been sent here to discredit this editorial team, haven’t you? The authorities in Ukraine are on to me for exposing corruption in my headlines. So – now it’s my turn… Well, I’m not going down easy. Someone has got to stand up for freedom of speech in this shithole country, and that someone is me, got it?
PFK: Well sir, you can start by paying your bills for the Internet content that you have racked up. It definitely defies all censorship, but unfortunately it isn’t free.
BB: I know, it’s Boss Lard putting more pressure on the paper… You, Hound Dog Face – call a meeting for in an hour. We’re going on strike. Someone get in touch with The Ferret…
HDF: You fired him to save your own ass a couple of months ago…
TO BE CONTINUED
Filed by Dirk Dickerson, February 25, 2013