Lard in hospital, Losser on a talk show…
Lard in a hospital bed in Kyiv, reading the news on his notebook and talking to himself:
Let’s see here. Now I think I’ll go to Kyiv Unedited’s rival website, Kyiv Edited – ha, ha, ha, those boys must be crazy, fighting like that. What’s the point, what’s it all for – can’t people just learn to get along?
Okay, what’s this item here: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KYIV POSTER PUBLISHER MOE ZAIRE. All-Ukrainian State Interview Authority of Ukraine for Kyiv Edited. Where do you live, I live in a tree, Is that like a metaphor for a big house, No, it’s a tree, Oh, do you mean a tree house, No, a real tree, it’s really big –
Say, I just read this same danged interview on Kyiv Unedited. What are they trying to pull at this other website, anyway? Well, it’s their business, I suppose, so let them get on with it. It’s not going to change anything in the bigger picture.
But I’m really glad Moe Zaire didn’t give away the location of his tree. I’ve been there. It’s really big, like he says, and really nice. Good for you, Moe! Where that tree is is nobody’s business but your own!
Gosh, he sounds like he’s really gloating over giving me a job cleaning his office. But that doesn’t start for another couple of weeks. That’s not so bad – I kind of look forward to it, though I haven’t done much cleaning in a while – with all the house servants I’ve had, and all. Wonder why I ever did that? It’s a good thing I let them go. Sounds like a job I’m going to have some fun at, not have to think too much, no worries… Gee, I wonder if they have anything like Lemon Pledge in this country for that mahogany desk of his.
But Zaire says nothing about me getting shot in the ass at the opera and needing time to recover from my near-fatal wound. Well, that’s okay – that’s his business. He probably knows exactly what he’s doing. After all, he’s not stupid – he’s made something like a billion dollars. Says so right here in the interview.
Say, what’s this here? Another interview – this time with Bret Boner, KYIV POSTER’S ONCE AND PRESENT EDITOR.
Bret Boner – well, hot dang! What a great guy, that Boner. Wonder what that headline means, though. Let’s see…
Hey! He says in his interview that I fired him! Well, if that ain’t actionable in a court of law on grounds of defamation, I don’t know what is! I don’t remember firing him. Why would I go and do a thing like that? That’s crazy! Boner’s a great guy, and a great chief editor! The thought wouldn’t even cross my mind!
Okay, Bo, relax – take care of it when you get out. With an ass wound you can stick your fist in, you’ve got some recuperating to do. But then again, hell, that’s not so bad. If it helps Bret Boner say I fired him, let him say it. At the end of the day, it’s not going to change the price of tea in China. I see Zaire’s made that fine young Jewish boy Jay Paruziggy CEO. Well, that’s just great. It’s a hard job – I should know. Short on experience, though. Well, if Zaire’s made Paruziggy CEO, that’s his business – he must know what he’s doing, and I really wish him the best of luck.
Whew! All this excitement’s made me tired. It’s not like the old days; you’d read the news and every word’d be believable. But these days… Ah! Think I’ll just push the remote here, turn on the ol’ TV and doze off to the drone of meaningless talking-head banter. Here, let’s try Channel X – devoted exclusively to non-stop talk-show interviews with people of note.
Hey, what’s this?! Why, it’s Welsh Losser! Well, I’ll be a polecat’s uncle! Good ol’ Welsh Losser! I love that guy! What amazing talent! Say, didn’t he work for me? Well, no matter – as long as it’s helped him further his career. Good for him, I say – good for him!
Hmm, what’s that caption say at the bottom of the screen, there? WELSH LOSSER, THIS YEAR’S WINNER OF THE PROMETHEAN AWARD, SECOND ONLY IN WORLD PRESTIGE FOR WRITERS TO THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE…
Well, I’ll be danged! Way to go, Welsh! I knew you had it in you, but I never imagined… Ah, shut up, Lard, and turn the sound up so’s you can hear what he’s saying…
On the TV…
Interviewer: So, Welsh, how did you manage to get so fit, trim, and apparently muscular?
Losser: Oh, nyug-nyag, you know, I don’t understand why people make such a big fuss out of getting into shape, saying it’s so hard, and so forth. Or maybe they do a lot of talking but then don’t follow up on their words. Or maybe I’ve just got a lot more determination and discipline, because everything I’ve done, every effort I’ve put in, has paid off and worked for me – worked wonders.
Interviewer: Wow! That’s really fantastic! Why don’t you let us in on some of your secrets, Welsh?
Losser: Well, I don’t want to give away too many of my secrets here – I think after I’ve gone through all the hardship and trouble of uncovering them, people should pay for my [self-published – KU Editor] books to find them out for themselves, nyug-nyag-nyaaooo…
Interviewer: Laughs along with Losser.
Losser: But as to the physical culture, I’ll just say I’ve developed a regimen where I get up at 4 in the morning –
Interviewer: Every morning?
Losser: Yes, every morning – nyug-nya… and I do up to a three, even a four-hour workout, and then I –
Interviewer: Wooooow…
Lard on his hospital bed:
Say, Welsh, way to go! I’m going to have to take a chapter out of his [self-published – KU Editor] book when I get out of here. Speaking of which: I’ve been told I’ve written some [self-published – KU Editor] books… Naaahh… really?! Me?! I find that hard to believe! Heck, I’d better relax and watch the rest of this interview with Welsh Losser.
On the TV…
Interviewer: How about “Tropic of Cancer”, by Henry Miller?
Losser: The cancerous tropic; the tropic you go to for cancer – nyug-nyag-nyaaooo…
Interviewer: Laughs with him.
Losser: No, I never read that one, but I remember skimming part of the CliffsNotes in high school for his “Death of a Salesman” – nyug…
Interviewer: Oh, no, Welsh, that’s Arthur Miller.
Losser: That’s what I said – he’s the author – nyug-nya…
Interviewer: Come on, Welsh, I know you’re pulling my leg – the author of a play is called a playwright…
Losser: Yeah, that’s because he writes the play – nyug-nyag-nya-nya-nyaaaaaooo…!!!
End of Part 2. Continued and concluded in Part 3
Filed by Jack Step, August 24, 2013