Meanwhile, his ego tries to return
I don’t know why making money is such an important thing. Being put on this earth, this one chance we get, wouldn’t we be better off concentrating on things like helping each other, being charitable, and encouraging good works?
I hope Moe Zaire doesn’t come in here ranting about me doing something so the paper makes money. That’s a very tiring thing to have to listen to. If advertisers want to give the paper money, then good, but if they don’t, well then, that’s their business – isn’t it? I don’t understand why I should have to go on some kind of – what did he call it? PR crusade? – oh, that sounds just so awful – to bother all of these nice people, whom we’re all just trying to get along with in this small community of neighboring businesses, to give us their money. That’s absolutely terrible. It’s their money! They can do whatever they want with it. It’s really none of my business.
That’s not what I want to do here. I see my job as CEO of the Kyiv Poster as promoting harmony – through art. I want the Poster to publish more stories about art. Why is it so neglectful of the finer things in life? No wonder it’s not making any money. Maybe we can get grants from foundations – like public television.
Oh, this is all so tiring, all of these hard decisions I have to make as CEO of the paper. Live and let live. If the paper wants to write about oligarchs, then who am I to force my opinion on it? But maybe I can delicately suggest that they write about oligarchs who care about art.
Art is the savior of mankind!
I just love art! It’s been a lifelong passion of mine, and I’m glad I’ve suddenly, and somewhat inexplicably for myself, turned all my efforts toward becoming a real artist. Maybe that’s my true raison d’etre as CEO of the paper, and not just my calling in life. To bring art into the lives of this brainwashed and downtrodden people.
I think I’ll walk over to the shelf and get my old college art history book down right now.
Hmm… here’s one I’ve always admired – the Kritios Boy. Marble. Classical Greece, circa early 5th century BC. Note the contrapposto of the beautiful male nude, his delicate balance of movement and lifelike accuracy captured in an outstandingly beautiful and calmly passionate tribute to the Greek cult of the youthful male nude. The head, turned slightly to the right, sends a current of animation through the whole figure. The torso is a single, organic form in which muscular rhythms find their natural balance. It is carved with a controlled sensuality which gives the marble something of the quality of firm young flesh.
Oh, and here’s The Warrior, also 5th century BC – a muscular bronze, which is at once an ideal male figure and a wholly convincing image of a man in the prime of his life. But though exquisitely beautiful, he is too stalwart and fierce for me.
And here’s a bronze from the late 4th century BC, the Marathon Boy. A remarkably beautiful lad – perhaps the apotheosis of ephebes. He really excites me. The soft musculature, the exaggerated contrapposto… Here, the balance between idealization and naturalism has been tipped toward the former to catch the mood of adolescent dreamy melancholy.
Ah, when I say ‘excites,’ I don’t mean sexually aroused, although I will admit my emotional state is piqued, probably through my intellect contemplating the work of art and reflecting on it, without allowing the intrusion of some alternative psychosexual fantasy. I mean, I hope anyone hearing me doesn’t think I’m homosexual – admiring beautiful naked male bodies… in art, that is – not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. I would be crushed being misunderstood.
Just then, Lard’s ego crashes through the closet door, breathing hard and seething with rage.
I want to get inside you, Lard!
Oh? Why is that, Lard asks. Is it because you’re gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I feel I need to let you know as gently as possible, I don’t play that way.
Dang blasted, boy! I just got done ripping through the belly of a monster fish up in the Baltic Sea, applying sheer willpower and unadulterated viciousness, to get back where I belong, and you ask me if I’m gay?!
Well, I’m really sorry – I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, or anything, not knowing –
Shut up!
Well, if it will make you less offended with me. Are you sure you’re not gay? I mean, you can tell me, you know. We’re all put on this wonderful blue-green planet by God to… I mean, I’m quite accepting, and –
The ego rolls aggressively up to Lard: Just shut the hell up, will you – and keep your mouth open?! Say ah…
Ah… aaahh… aaaaahhh… Ek, kekh – ka-ka-ka…
Hmm… climbing down your mouth won’t work. Take down your pants, including the underwear.
Are you sure you’re not gay? You can tell me; I’m Mr. Tolerant as all get out –
Just do it!
Well, if it will make you less offended by me; by all means, here I go, taking my pants down, and – ego climbs up his butt – WHOOOAAA-AAA!!! HEYA, HEYA, NELLY, MARTHA AND ALL THE BLESSED SAINTS! WOO, WOO, WOO, WOOOOOO…!!! I’m tellin’ ya Moe, there ain’t nothin’ fiercer than a strategically plotted PR blitz to get the paper… aaahh, uuuhh, huh, huh, huh, huh, I think we’re all put on this earth by God to… b-b-b-bleeehh, forget the damned figures, Moe, we can dazzle them with bullshit and get this baby back on the… uhuh, rekekekex, go-blaaa, the important thing being that we sit at the table and pass around the chalice of forgiveness and break the bread of understanding, loving one another and striving to live… grrrrumph – umph, gurgle-gaaa, and then, Moe, we promote the hell out of ourselves in the Kyiv Poster and I guarantee ya that’ll bring the big-buck boys back… and I love mankind and my heart breaks for… Welsh Losser, what’s he doing, Welsh Losser, Welsh Losser – it’s mine, it’s mine, ah, aaahh… no, no, I can’t take it, I can’t take it – get out, get out, get out!!!
Here, massive roaring and malodorous backdoor expulsion. Lard’s ego goes flying out his ass, crashing into a wall. Now the ego’s chasing Lard, who’s running around his office with his pants down.
Come back here, you!!!
Please, please, get away from me – get away, get away!!!
Filed by Jack Step, August 10, 2013