Dear Mr. Smith:
We here at Kyiv Unedited have decided to publish your rather childish courtroom drama about The Ferret being on trial in a corrupt judicial system somewhere in Ukraine for the firing of Saint Stephan from the top editing post at Kyiv’s leading English-language newspaper some years ago.
What strikes us is that you should feel fortunate that Kyiv Unedited is probably the only literary publication in the world that would ever take such a questionable piece.
A judge – Publowsky – whose Polonized name just happens to coincide with a pronounced predilection for imbibing measureless liters of fermented yeast, who belches and farts all the time, and even farts from his mouth – that’s disgusting! Are you an eighth grader? We mean – really… And it seems so insulting to refer to his human face as a snout.
And why is his name Bill? Is that as in Bill Shakespeare, or as in unpaid bill? And then you give his name as William, immediately followed by Bill, as if Bill is his middle name, but that comes down to the same thing as being called Bill Bill. Is Bill supposed to be the short form of William, and he is therefore called William Bill, or are you suggesting that Bill is his middle name, or that he is called Bill for short? The possibilities, as you can see, Mr. Smith, are many, and you’re not going to fool anyone here.
And then there’s the defendant – The Ferret – that he should also have a name, which reads like an honorary title with the capitalized The in it (sometimes), possibly made to go with a hereditary bend sinister, or ferret rampant that somehow coincides with a shifty, sneaky, underhanded and backstabbing character: how could that be his real name? We sincerely want to know! The Ferret sounds right, although actual ferrets that you find in nature may very well be noble creatures.
And then there’s this Welsh Losser. What’s that supposed to be? Does Losser stand for Loser? And why Welsh? Why not Scotch, or Scott, for that matter? Are these allegorical names disguising real identities, or are they the real thing? From the way you write it, Mr. Smith, it’s hard to tell.
Also confusing – the loser in the back with his interjections: is that also Losser taking on the identity of a Diaspora person, from instant to instant, as it suits him? Or is that actually a separate person who you presume is from the Diaspora?
And why the apparently vituperative attitude toward the Ukrainian Diaspora? As though they were just a bunch of cowards, losers, sneaks, and drunks spiritually crushed by monumental inferiority complexes that dictate their behavior toward their fellow man in virtually all social settings, with particularly destructive results for other Diasporans (being afraid of all other persuasions, including real Ukrainians). The last time we checked, they’re regular people just like the rest of us, including, presumably, you, Mr. Smith.
But your courtroom seems to be filled with two-dimensional Diaspora caricatures, stick figures, un-blotted accidental cartoon stains, brushstroke flat faces, notwithstanding some described corporeal rotundities, none of which possess any redeeming qualities, to the exclusion of just about everyone else – Pakistanis, Jews, etc…
And then also, the whole thing seems just incredible, preposterous – even shamefully so.
Yes, we here at Kyiv Unedited do carry stories about Ferrets and delusional types, like this Welsh Losser you’re so fond of lambasting, who fancy themselves artists and authors, PR executives and part-time lawyers on the side, and we are planning to expand our catalog of such-like types significantly, but it seems to us that your little courtroom drama, which you indicate will be continued (not that we necessarily believe that you will continue it, or that such an outlandish story is even capable of being continued) is some kind of twisted jeremiad lacking any healthy catharsis. Is it your idea, Mr. Smith, that this should go on?
The proceedings in your courtroom drama are nightmarish, far from realistic; Kafka would be aghast. Things like this just don’t happen! This is all very, very far, we feel, from anything that could ever transpire, or that such bad fortune should ever befall anyone, and then that it –
Filed by Jack Step, February 11, 2013