…post-egoectomy
Boss Lard has just had his ego violently removed. He doesn’t remember a thing. He is in his posh CEO’s office at the Kyiv Poster.
My, this certainly is a grand office. Is this my office? If it is, it’s absolutely wonderful and I can only wonder what I’ve done to deserve it. What’s this on my desk? “A Clockwork Orange.” Hmm, wonder what it’s about…
Ring, ring, ring…
E-hem… Hello?
This is Josh Davies.
Josh! Is that really you? My friend – I haven’t heard from you in a long time. What’ve you been up to?
Save it for doomsday, Lard, but since you’ve asked: repeated and robust sex with my wife, a lead role in a play, holding Lemurov’s action figures hostage, lopping off Rico Soiree’s ears like they were yesterday’s varenyks, maybe getting a job as a satirist for an underground website…
You don’t say?! Well, Josh, that’s just wonderful. I really wish you luck. I hope it all comes off. That part about the ears, though – sounds pretty severe. But I guess one man’s morality is another mans’ Hell.
Yes – whatever. Which conveniently brings me around to the point. I’ve heard you’ve had a large part of you removed, Lard.
Oh, yes, yes, I’ve been told that something’s happened, but for the life of me I don’t know what. Whatever it was, Josh, I feel great!
A-hmm, but significantly weakened… and defenseless. You see, Lard, you’re one of the people in this town who’s fired me, and –
Fired you?! Why would I have done a thing like that, Josh? You’re a great guy!
You should have thought of that before, Lard, because I’m coming over there to even the score.
Davies hangs up.
Ah, that Davies – he’s joking, of course! I never fired him. I hope he does come over. We’ll have a good chat, roll over the old log, catch up on…
Ring, ring…
Hello.
Yes, um, I don’t think you know me, but my name is Zippy Zamazda, and now that you’re essentially helpless, I’m going to take over your job as Kyiv Poster CEO.
Well, okay Zippy. Is that what I am – CEO of the Kyiv Poster? That’s really wonderfully unbelievable. But things like that aren’t meant to last forever, and besides, why should I hog a great job like that for myself. Come along – I’ll be happy to hand it over.
Um, aaaahh, on second thought, I’ve changed my mind. It’s completely meaningless if you’re going to make it that easy. Sorry to have bothered you. Goodbye.
Man alive! Aren’t people just wonderful – and funny!
Moe Zaire, publisher of the Kyiv Poster, walks in.
Mr. Zaire!
Lard! My God, have you changed! You look pathetic and disgusting. And don’t call me Mr. Zaire. It’s Moe, just Moe – like you’ve always called me. I can’t take that Mr. Zaire coming from you.
Oh, all right, Mr. Za – uh, I mean Moe. Sorry if I’ve offended you. Is something wrong?
Wrong?! As Allah is my witness, this paper’s losing money!
Money? Is that a bad thing, Moe – to lose money?
Bad?! This is a business I’m running here, Lard! The reason why I bought this paper was so that it would make money! Before, you’d PR the hell out of it, at least make it seem like it was on the brink of turning a profit, but now…
Is that the important thing – that it make a profit?
What do you mean – ‘is that the important thing?’
Well, with all of the good things this life holds in store for us – the sunshine, oh, and even the bad weather, all the different animals, and the sky, the stars, the sea, life itself, for that matter, it seems to me that –
No, Lard, no! That’s life. This is business!
So, it’s an artificial construct, then? But there are so many other better ways to spend your time, which is limited here on Earth, than pursuing something you’ve made up, when God has given you all of these wonderful –
This is really impossible! I can’t run the paper like this. You’ve changed too much. Do you have any idea what’s happened to you?
Not really. I vaguely remember Welsh Losser, who’s just a great guy, and his good friend The Ferret, were in here asking me for something, and I gave it to them, although I can’t remember what it was. But that doesn’t matter. If they took something, let them have it. If someone really likes something that’s yours, just give it to them, I say. If they want your shirt, give them your jacket too.
Oh, this is really awful!
Moe, was there some kind of battle here that was meant to change the fate of the paper? Have we been under siege? What’s that mess in the lobby all about? I seem to vaguely recall –
Um, there was a small disturbance, but since then, it’s been quelled and –
We haven’t been taken over by half-naked small-breasted revolutionaries, have we, Moe?
Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve got to go.
Zaire leaves.
I’ve always really liked Moe Zaire. He seems truly upset. I wonder if there’s any way I can make him happy again.
Ring…
Hello?
This is Ganna Gutsal. Why aren’t we having sex anymore?
Ganna?! You’re a great girl, but what kind of a joke is this? I’ve got a wife whom I love and –
A wife?! Ha! That never mattered before, when you were promising me the Kyiv Poster!
You want the Kyiv Poster?
You bet I do! That’s what our relationship was all about. Without it, our F-Men attack on the Poster offices makes absolutely no sense!
Attack?! Ganna, what are you talking about, what have you done, what do you mean?! I would gladly give you the Kyiv Poster, except it’s not mine to give. Maybe you should ask Moe Zaire for it directly.
No… no, no, no, nooooo!!! Oh, it’s not the same, it’s not the same! You’ve changed so much, Lard, you’re not even recognizable. I was supposed to give it to you once in a while, tease you on, really make you want me, bring you to the point where you were willing to do anything for me, like sabotage operations at the Poster and engineer a handover to me, just so you could have my sex – for which there was no guarantee. But without that intrigue, without the buildup of desire and holding myself just out of your reach, until you almost couldn’t take it and were ready to explode – that was worth something! But without that, Lard, I’m not playing this game anymore.
Gutsal hangs up.
Oh, that Ganna – what a gal! Everyone’s just so wonderful and fantastic and funny today. I hope I can help them all…
Meanwhile, in the Baltic Sea, a very large fish is suffering serious indigestion…
Filed by Jack Step, July 24, 2013