Will it be possible to bring the fish Boss Lard’s ego?
Welsh Losser and The Ferret have arrived in Jurmala – the Baltic Riviera facing the Gulf of Riga in Latvia – to coax The Great Red Herring out of the sea and beseech it to tell them where they can find The Script.
While Welsh Losser is currently transforming into his own man, having become a high-paid executive at the global human vices encouragement firm, Penmanship, International – strangely headquartered in Kyiv – and free of Boss Lard, he is chasing the notion of the so-called Script at Boss Lard’s behest, finding it psychologically difficult to refuse Lard, having been his lapdog for so long. The Ferret, being Losser’s loyal friend, and because he is also interested in The Script, is there with him.
Lard, meanwhile, being aware of his control over Losser, reclines comfortably in his posh office as CEO of the Kyiv Poster, this city’s only leading English-language news source, generally reflecting on his greatness and awaiting Losser’s return, never doubting that he would always be able to use Losser at will and as he saw fit, notwithstanding Losser’s inexplicable career-enhancing move to the Penmanship firm.
“Dang,” Lard sometimes says to himself, thinking about Losser’s surprise move, “nothing short of the Devil himself could have facilitated that one,” to which he chuckles self-endearingly, pulling on his belly-stretched suspenders, shaking his head in mock disapproval, not realizing just how accurate his assessment is.
Meanwhile, back in Jurmala:
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Oh, must we go through that again…?
Meanwhile (as I was saying), back in Jurmala:
A manlike dog reclines against a beach house with his legs crossed, pretending to read the latest copy of the Kyiv Poster, over which he peers at the unfolding scene.
Losser: (in a granite-blue executive suit and expensive-looking watch, distracted) Say, isn’t that a dog, who looks a lot like a… man… sitting with his back against the beach house, reading, of all things, the Kyiv Poster?
Ferret: (in a lime-green zoot suit and matching fedora hat) Heh, dude, dude, you must be seeing things. It’s an ordinary mutt relieving himself against the building.
Man-Dog: (snickering) Khe-khe-khe-khe…
Ferret: Hey, heh-heh, anyway, what should we say to get this big fish out of the water?
Losser: Nyegsha – uuuumm, I don’t know, my friend; let me try – nyoog, nyag, nya-ar-ar-a… O, Great Red Herring! We humbly ask you to rise up out of the sea and grant our insignificant request.
The Great Red Herring rises up from the sea:
Ferret: Dude! That’s some fish!
Fish: What – do – you – want?
Losser: Well, you see, O, Baltic Brine Ruler, O, Fishy King, O –
Fish: I ASKED YOU: WHAT – DO – YOU – WANT?!!!
Losser: A-a-a-aaa… we want The Script.
Ferret: Yeah, yeah, The Script – heh-heh-heh…
Fish: So, you want The Script, eh? The Great Red Herring will indulge your pitiable request, but only on condition that you give us…
Ferret: Dude, I think the fish wants your watch. Heh, heh, heh-heh-heh…
Losser: The watch?! No, no, not the watch, O, Great – nya-a-a-aaaaa – anything but the watch… Not the watch, not the watch – a-ha-ha-ha – please, please, nooooo…!!!
Fish: Shut up, fool! For The Great Redding Herring wants nothing more than… Boss Lard’s ego!
Ferret: Duuude!!!
Losser: Come again? Boss Lard’s ego?! B-b-b-but, Great Red Herring, surely you realize… that’s… that’s… imp-p-p-possible!!!
Fish: I said, bring me his ego!!!
Ferret: Heh, and if we do, will you tell us about The Script?
Fish: Silence!!!
Ferret: Yeah, heh, no one shuts me up. I run an independent underground website in Kyiv. I’m –
Fish: I SAID SILENCE!!!
The Ferret falls in a faint into the sand. Only the waves are heard lapping against the shore.
The Man-Dog snickers: Khe-khe-khe-khe…
Losser: But, O Big Fish, my good friend asked you a legitimate question, and I second it. That’s what we came here for, but all you’ve done is bully us, giving us an impossible task to achieve.
Fish: Bring me Lard’s ego, and I shall grant you your request. Now go!
Ferret: (regaining consciousness) Heh-heh… What did he say, what did he say???
Fish: I SAID GOOOOO!!!
NYA-A-A-A…!!!
– FSHEEEEE…!!!
The strong vacuum-like wind, created in the wake of The Ferret and Losser’s lightning departure, rips the newspaper out of the Dog-Man’s hands and flies it out over the sea.
The Man-Dog takes this as a sign to, er, hightail it after the suspicious deformed duo and get hot on their trail – back to Kyiv…
Continued in Part 2
Filed by Jack Step, July 22, 2013